As of yesterday's scale reading, I'm down to 93lbs. This was a big blow to me as I have been eating more and eating fatty foods. I really thought that maybe I would be more, not less. This makes me feel like I'm losing control of my body.
Feeling scared, I told H about this last night and said that I'm only a few pounds away from ending up in the hospital.
What I got back from him was platitudes about how I could do better if I really wanted to and how I should think positively. I told him that I was doing the best that I could and fighting hard to reverse my condition. He said he didn't think so.
I felt like a total failure.
I could not eagerly agree with his analysis of what I should be doing. I knew that he was not listening to what I was trying to share with him.
He later got a little huffy and said "I'm not going to encourage you anymore" and suddenly it was all about him.
He eventually softened and stopped being a Pr*^k for the rest of the evening.
Lately, he seems to say or do things that are intended to insult or hurt and plays mean spirited mind games with me.
I think I'm being punished for being ill and requiring his presence here. It's a childish way of lashing out. He doesn't want to care.
Last night he said, looking me in the eyes, "you're ill because of the stress I've caused you." "Right?" He waited for a reply and then said "It's true right?" I could see him painfully waiting for an answer that would wipe away his fear and guilt. When I did not answer, did not deny his remark, I could see his disappointment in that he was right. I soon after told him that I had not blamed him for my illness. And we left it with that.
Every so often, I see him peeking out from behind his cave wall. I ended up in the bathroom and could only hang limply on a towel and buried my face in it trying to hold back tears. I didn't hear H approach but instead felt his hand on my back. He held me in his arms for a while and I wanted so much to whisper to him "thank you, this is so much better than advice".
Quoting Joni Mitchell - "I wish I had a river, I could sail away on".
