So, I called her back and said very sincerely to her "Hey, I don't think it came across in our conversation, but I want you to know how much I appreciate that you're getting the groceries and the prescription. It really helps because that's one more thing in my day that I don't have to deal with. I appreciate it."
Frank_d,
BRAVO! What a powerful thing to do for your W! From the day you first helped me almost 2 years ago, I admired your ability to cut through the clutter to the essence of the relationship. Your post about your sitch shows me how much you STILL see clearly the position of strength that you are in with your W...and it is clear how much you love her! Now if only the "man boy" will exit stage left.....
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
But I will at least remove the 'edge' from our communications.
I am glad you posted that b/c I am doing the same and it does help me. That and min interaction right now. That seems to be the best formula.
Quote:
I'm not in the emotional place where I can interact with her positively without having expectations.
You read my mind exactly. Although the 'formula' above is good, it still hurts to interact with my Ex, especially if positive. Too many memories of what should be.
It is almost better to be angry and terse with her. But that would be my little boy talking. That would fail the Jesus test. And I feel worse in the long run acting that way - and it is acting.
Homework assignment for you: go back and reread a few of your posts from a few years backwhen your W had 'left'. Then read what you have written in the past few months.
Notice the changed tone, the changed outlook, the changed attitude.
Same situation, different man. A better man. A grown man.
You are traveling the right road frank. Believe that.
Later I sent W a text about D13's school party schedule and she called to talk to me. She starts out sounding cold, annoyed, but I'm pleasant and thank her for calling.
I'm done fighting and being angry. I don't know THIS woman but she is the mother of my girls and I don't need negativity in my life any more.
And, on a side note, one of my projects which I was working on a really hard printing problem finally works today. Hurray for our side!
Printing problems are never much fun. Last week our support had a customer reporting that I was outputing an extra blank page on a particular printer. My sarcastic soloution - take each blank page and put it next to the printer and when the time comes to add more paper use those blank pages. Good thing I dont work in tech support.
I don't believe in coincidences. I think that we are presented with these glimpses into their reality so we can accept what is.
In my case, last night I went to the store at around 9 pm and on my way back passed by W's house. OM's (man-boy) truck was there and he was getting into it. Behind him was W in her car waiting for him. I'm sure she saw my as her lights were shining into my car and I had to stop at the corner.
So, there she goes to spend the night, and she sees me as she's leaving. and I see her. Lesson learned.
When I got home I see she had called the house but D13 didn't answer the phone because she was playing a video game. W left a message that she wanted to talk to D13. I told D13 to call her back ans she did. I overheard her talking about my birthday coming up and W must have asked her if she got me a present yet because she said something about having to do that.
So, W needs to make sure the kids don't forget my birthday while she's screwing Man-Boy.
What a piece of work she has become.
The sad part is that it doesn't hurt that much.
The sadder part is I still think of her as my wife. How weird is that?
So today the girls and I and D17's boyfriend went for a little day trip followed by going to our familys favorite restaurant in L.A., all part of "Hanging with dad for his birthday"
We haven't been to that restaurant since W was still living here in april, and W and I were 'pretending' nothing was wrong - for the kids sake.
We've gone to that restaurant since W and I were dating, and they know us there even though we only would go once every few months.
Of course, one of the waitresses asked where W was, and I said "She had other plans".
During dinner, the girls were talking to D17's boyfriend about some of the things we've had happen during dinners at this place. Lot's of "Remember when mom..." and other stuff.
They are over this. I'm the only one who hasn't healed.
I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom twice so I could cry. Then in the middle of dinner W called D17, who told her where we were and W must have asked her if we were doing presents because she said "no just dinner".
Why does she care?
On the way home it was night, which was good because for the 1/2 hour I just was tearful and hurting.
I hate what has happened to my life. I'm usually strong but today was a disaster. My birthday is Wednesday and I'm turning 50 and I didn't mean for my life to turn out this way.
I doubt your daughters are 'over it'. There are studies that show children of divorce still suffer trauma even 25 years later. Yeah, that's not a very cheery statistic, but consider that your D's are just making the best of a bad situation because you are doing what is typically advised - that you don't show emotion in front of your kids. So it becomes a catch 22 sitch.
Don't rule out that you are doing such a great job of being a strong Father figure that they feel you are 'over it' and so should they be. Kids have all kinds of distractions to take their minds off of family troubles and can appear to be doing great. You have a different relationship with your wife than they do too. You have a one-flesh relationship, and your wife has chosen to try and separate that. That causes pain. Pain they will never understand until they are there. They will always have a mom and a dad. Maybe not a mom and a dad that end up living in the same house, but still a mom and a dad. They have been raised in an environment where just about every kid they meet, every show they watch on TV, every magazine in the check out line testifies to the fact that this is just a normal part of life. So it's not surprising that they seem OK. You hold yourself to a higher set of values than the world around you so naturally it will be harder for you.
Continue to work on yourself. You have been progressing well - go back and review all those commenting on this. So you had a rough day. Comes with the territory. You hurt because you care. Feel it, mourn it, then move forward. You know this a process. Take it day by day.
Try not to take a microscopic view of your sitch. Take a step back. You're turning 50. Means you've got a good 25-30 years yet to go. A lot can be accomplished in that time.
I spoke with a guy at church last night that was deep into alcohol, drugs, pornography, and had been 'cooking the books' on his wife's business to cover up $125K in gambling losses(not to mention jail time he did for battery). The Lord got a hold of him and now he's 2 years free and runs the addictive behaviors bible study at church. He's 72 and beaming with excitement for what his future holds out for him. 5 years ago he tried to take his own life.
There is a plan for your life, Frank. You had a setback. You will have more. Don't let them sabotage your progress.
Mourn the loss that your life thus far didn't turn out like you planned. Work through it. As you celebrate your 50th, consider it half time for your adult life. Head into the locker room, figure out what went wrong, figure out the best game plan to counter it for the second half, and get back out there and make it happen. Plenty of time left on the clock. Remember that you have a great group of fans cheering you on from the sidelines.
Mourn the loss that your life thus far didn't turn out like you planned. Work through it. As you celebrate your 50th, consider it half time for your adult life. Head into the locker room, figure out what went wrong, figure out the best game plan to counter it for the second half, and get back out there and make it happen. Plenty of time left on the clock. Remember that you have a great group of fans cheering you on from the sidelines.
N.
Thanks 4kids, There's a lot of wisdom in your words.
I still feel 30 in my head. And luckily my body, though out of shape, is still pretty healthy. No big wrinkles or other age related illnesses. One of the good genetics I got from my Dad was that if we take care of ourselves, the men in our family age very well.
I won't say I 'look 40' but I still have hair that isn't gray and if I get it colored I do look 40ish.
I know I won't be alone forever. I mourn the fact that W wasn't who I thought she was - or actually she WAS who I thought she was, I just thought that she would grow up. I had no idea I would crash and burn and find myself unsupported and alone for so many years.
I think that's what hurts the most. Knowing I was left to die.
