He asked about a family event that is coming up and if I was going. I said Yes ( its a wedding )and I did recieve an invitation. I said dont worry about what people think or how i will be because as far as I was concerned we are not M and nor did i want to be therefore I would have no excpectations of him behaving like a H.
It was the first time I have indicated that since a year after A was discovered. I took some convincing about remaining M in that first year. Much to my regret now.
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DID HE ASK FOR A DIVORCE???
He has never ever ever brought up the D word.
I have learnt that if H talks about R then I say very little but hear him out. If he talks about A , I am sorry and remorseful and take full responsibility. Not that either of these 2 topics has come up much in past 6 months.
Your right I dont want to end M but I also cannot continue much more like this. I m definitely going to seek a C out this week and see if it is detaching , I am having a problem with or is it a control issue. Either which some prof help is in order.
Max, I think you are thinking these thoughts and saying these things , like "I no longer want to be married", because of stuff inside of YOU.
Of course you don't like him - you feel like [censored] for the situation you are in. This is why I kept telling you - stop beating yourself up. But you haven't. You can't, somehow. You are merciless to yourself. You still feel like crap inside. And so ... the obvious answer is to be divorced. ??? Will that help? From my distant perspective, it seems rash.
Think about it. You were angry at your husband for not picking up the phone - you thought it was him sending you a message. Does that make sense? You are angry that you were at home on Friday or Saturday and missing out on life - and I think you blamed your husband for that, too, though not in so many words. Does that make sense?
I don't want to be too hard on you, but I will say this: [i]from what I see[/i} (which I admit is not a broad perspective) in the state you are in, it is not a good idea to make major irrevocable decisions. Must you be divorced RIGHT NOW? Must you make these kind of pronouncements RIGHT NOW? Can those big decisions wait?
Your friends have urged you to get counseling. People on this site have urged it. Can you defer major life decisions until you talk to a few other people, maybe some professionals who have seen this kind of thing before? Someone who makes a career of counseling people that go through tough times? Can you just delay the major decisions for a bit until you look around some more?
I know you feel like crap sometimes, and I know you want that part to end. I'm sorry it's so hard. take a breather. talk to a pro.
I see you've been struggling. Welcome to the club. We all do.
I think that C is the right idea at this point. You need to find you again. Make yourself the person that your H would be attracted to. You change him or his feelings; but you can make him wonder......
Why did i ever have an affair. I tell you the 8 months of sneaking and lying ( thats the fun i thought i was having ) was not worth 1 minute of this misery.
I am at work - ( it is public holiday ). H is at home cooking us dinner - very nice BUT i suppose as soon as i get home I am going to have to take these boots off and take tired feet and body out on a walk to keep out of his way.... sign
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You were angry at your husband for not picking up the phone
What says it was an emergency. Car accident anything. i feel he should answer any call. It is hard enough being on my own but I feel 150% soley responsible for kids. i have taken to having 1 sometimes 2 glasses of wine at night and that means i cannot drive. So i guess I give up my one comfort, just in case I am needed. i know i got us in to this situation but B^%$#y H@#$ do I have to give up much more.
Yes i am going to get some help. Really feel it is a control issue though. I think I used to be very bossy with him. Not now. I have made huge changes and for the better
max, I know it's misery right now. but you did the right thing by coming clean. that took a lot of guts. your conscience is clean. you don't have to hide behind it anymore. I admire you for that. I wish that my wife would just do the same. your husband really has no idea what it took for you to try this for him. I wish that I could slap him around some, so that he would understand what he has in you.
So i guess I give up my one comfort, just in case I am needed. i know i got us in to this situation but B^%$#y H@#$ do I have to give up much more.
yes, you do. you have to be an adult. your husband isn't helping you, so you have to be responsible. sorry. It stinks. that's the way it is for now. (tell me again - how old are the kids?)
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I wish that I could slap him around some, so that he would understand what he has in you.
jeez, nobody needs a slap! We all just need some time to heal. ferpeetsake! It's not his fault that he's hurt and is having trouble trusting. It's not his "fault" that he is having a tough time. He just IS. Can we accept that?
It's not her fault either. It's just hard. ok? It's unfortunate and it's hard. for both people. Both people are hurting, unsure.
It will take him some time. He needs patience and compassion. As max does. As we all do.
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your husband really has no idea what it took for you to try this for him....
yes, it was hard to be honest. but it is the right thing. not just for her husband. more importantly it is the right thing for max. it's hard to face it, but it is the right thing. Then she can move beyond it. Whether she has a life with him or without him, she has to face her own humanity. it's the right thing. difficult, but right. and it might also be "the right thing" to get a counselor who has been through this before with other people, for guidance and wisdom.
--- Sometimes I get the feeling that we get off track here. It sometimes just turns into a b!tch session; we all just gather 'round and complain about our spouses. There are people (not Max, but some people) who come to this forum to just gather moral support to plan a divorce. And they get empathy and support, because that is what people do here. That is what they offer. if divorce is what they want, that is their prerogative. but this forum - "Divorce Busting" - is not the place to get support for it. This forum is supposed to do the opposite.
I don't believe that focusing on the injustices and the crimes and misdemeanors of the other spouse is the best use of this forum. That is not divorce busting. Finding fault is not divorce busting. There are plenty of other places to go if you want to complain about your uncaring or frigid wife, your weak or inattentive husband. we are all tempted to do it, I have done it, we have all done it. but it is not helpful for renewing a relationship. And it is not what this place is for.
I think our energies are better spent developing empathy and goodwill, some compassion for the other person's troubles, maybe looking for insight into their emotions. They are people too. With goodwill within us, we have hope to start again, to begin again.
With indignation and hurt and defensiveness, there is no possibility for a new beginning. Nurturing the hurt and sense of injustice won't bring us to new beginnings. We don't need to urges to slap people. We need to understand, have compassion, and patience.
ok, sorry for the sermon. I feel strongly about marriage.
Ok - sometimes though trashing our Spouses , opens us up for reality checks like what I have received over past week.
It is also an oppotunity to vent. Yes I feel bad and yes I get angry, and sometimes I feel justified in being soooooooo angry at H.
An example - today I came home from work, it is a public holiday, H knew i was at work and he arranged to play golf or do something with S20 and D16 and then he was cooking dinner. I get home and H pulls up behind me. He decided to keep working. It was 6 at night. So no time with kids and no dinner. I had prepared nothing as i was expecting H to do it. Thats ok we can wing dinner.
BUT what about the kids missing rec time with him. I shake my head. I try to protect them from the hurt this inflicts and from the wrong messages he is sending them. Am i wrong. Should i say nothing to either party ? I choose not to say anything to H. I have yelled from the highest mountains about his work habits. Let him see what he will loose ! But in this case he loses, kids lose.
Keep out if it, I cant. This neglect is just another layer of this situation.
So what would you do. MC has a similar battle. I wonder if he considers the impact of a neglectful mother on his kids and the lessons they are learning everyday from a mother who shows no interest.
I try to be brave , like many of us and when we feel like hell, its great to come here and hope that someone can say even something little that puts the fight back into your spirit.
SPM, you know that didn't literally mean that I wanted to slap him around. It's just as LBS; it's heartening to see a W who is desperately trying to make things better and he seems to want no part of it now. I know that his feelings are his feelings; and I don't know how I would respond. I can tell you that being a DAM in April really didn't work for my M as I tried to recover from W's A back then.
Max, I often worry about the impact that my W being neglectful will have on her children. Given my W's BPD tendencies and the research that I've done on it; I worry that my D might suffer the same fate. Sunday my D was very clingy to me; she didn't want to leave my side. The research on BPD and HPD leans toward a disconnect in mother/daughter bond. I know from listening to my W, SIL, and MIL that my MIL was very disconnected from her children early on. She D'd my W's father early in their lives and had to finish school, work, and had an active social life. My W and SIL were with babysitter's quite a bit.
Now my D might have just been acting like a 4 year old; but I acutely aware that my W's actions will cause some detriment later in life. It may not debilitating; but there will be consequences nonetheless. Now my S, I worry that he'll have trust issues and self-esteem issues because of this. I'll just have to wait and see.
I know you are frustrated and angry....I get it!!!
Please let your H deal with this in his own way. If you don't let him sort out his own feelings his own way and on his time table your H will remain distant he will try everything to remain distant and the healing will take a whole lot longer - You don't want this. Give H time, all the time he needs. You have to place yourself in H's shoes. You hurt H, give him room to breathe and come to terms with his feelings without your influence, I know first hand how hard this is, but it needs to be this way, trust me on this. Practice patience, love, kindness and friendship with your H. He will come around. When you feel frustrated come here to vent. Do not show H this BB. It will not be a good idea...IMO he will feel pressured about the sitch and that is not in your best interest. DO NOT PRESSURE H FOR ANY REASON RIGHT NOW...
I think your H is a lot like mine. Mine is a work-aholic too. I knew this though when I married him and to this day that hasn't changed one bit. WHY KEEP TRYING TO CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR H YOU HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG. This is your H, this is part of who he is. This is the H you fell in love with, don;t try to change that part of H. H needs to be this way because this is his way of providing good things for you all. If your H is like mine, He actually enjoys working and never complains about the long hours. I personally would rather have a Work-aholic H than a lethargic, lazy couch potato H anyday!!!!
I know first hand how hard it is to sit and watch the relationship between the kids and your H deteriorate or be lacking in attention. Your kids are older...give them the opportunity now to have the relationship with their dad that they want...let them do the work, they will do something rather than lose it altogether. Max, sit back and be supportive without influence. It is nothing you can fix. Let H and the kids create a relationship that is right for them. I stopped a long time ago trying to keep a relationship alive between my son and H. I can't fix it. Someday, I hope, they will find a comfort zone with each other. My H MLC is partly to blame in my sitch...I understand this, so I leave it alone.
You are very lucky, your H IS STILL AROUND...You all had dinner with your H last night (Yeah, I know...H didn't do what he said, but you know the addage..."Best Made Plans....") Cut him some slack....the good part is YOU ALL HAD DINNER TOGETHER. Count that as a blessing. Wear a smile today for that alone. Make sure that all encounters are positive ones and H will notice and feel more comfortable as time goes on...Please have patience for the time...It will still be a while but with a PMA it will get better.
I think time is on your side...look at it as a good thing.
Your H hasn't mentioned D....So YOU don't mention D....
I think a project with your Mum right now is a great idea...It will use up some of this energy your are spending on the issues with H.
If you decide to go to counseling, interview them as well. I had two in the past 3 years. I don't see anyone now. The first one was trying to blame all the M problems on me, I have been solely responsible for all of my son's needs for the past 3 years and the first one called me a bad mother because I liked to do everything for my son - He was 9 at the time. OMG!!! I closed the door to visits with him after that comment. The second one didn't do more for me than I get right here on the BB. In fact for $90/Hour she was telling me all the same stuff I get here for free. I commented all the time that I actually get more support here on the BB than I got from her. I don't see her anymore either. I DON'T WANT TO DISCOURAGE YOU FROM IC, just pick one out carefully. If you pick one that doesn't work for you, move on quickly and find another.
Max, I care....Stay with us all....It is frustrating and we all know that first hand....the support here is priceless!!!!
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
