Max, I think you are thinking these thoughts and saying these things , like "I no longer want to be married", because of stuff inside of YOU.
Of course you don't like him - you feel like [censored] for the situation you are in. This is why I kept telling you - stop beating yourself up. But you haven't. You can't, somehow. You are merciless to yourself. You still feel like crap inside. And so ... the obvious answer is to be divorced. ??? Will that help? From my distant perspective, it seems rash.
Think about it. You were angry at your husband for not picking up the phone - you thought it was him sending you a message. Does that make sense? You are angry that you were at home on Friday or Saturday and missing out on life - and I think you blamed your husband for that, too, though not in so many words. Does that make sense?
I don't want to be too hard on you, but I will say this: [i]from what I see[/i} (which I admit is not a broad perspective) in the state you are in, it is not a good idea to make major irrevocable decisions. Must you be divorced RIGHT NOW? Must you make these kind of pronouncements RIGHT NOW? Can those big decisions wait?
Your friends have urged you to get counseling. People on this site have urged it. Can you defer major life decisions until you talk to a few other people, maybe some professionals who have seen this kind of thing before? Someone who makes a career of counseling people that go through tough times? Can you just delay the major decisions for a bit until you look around some more?
I know you feel like crap sometimes, and I know you want that part to end. I'm sorry it's so hard. take a breather. talk to a pro.
