God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[theotherhalf]

Hey all,

I spent the evening last night thinking..."what is the best way to handle this situation? What would they tell me on the board? What's the best for ME? I came up with no answers so just went with the flo...

H came about 10am Sat. Again. Starting to become a weekly ritual. He came in, we talked a little. He went a did his thing I stayed and did mine. BIL came later in the day. They were around and in and out all day. I spent the day with D17 and friend taking senior pictures. Here and at the neighbors. Then sat with friend for awhile catching up. Guys came in and we all just sat around talking. Friend left, guys stayed. We did some reminicing about the old days, laughed, even shed a couple tears. Guys left for awhile. Went and checked beans then road tripped over to the cemetary to visit their Dad's grave. They then came back. I went down to basement to start corn burner. H followed. We ended up sitting down there watching fire and talking. BIL went to sleep on couch upstairs. We talked, D17 joined us some, we played with the dogs. Good evening. Eventually BIL got back up and joined us. BIL and I played darts.

We went upstairs. Guys ate. We watched a movie. H kept flirting. Poking me with his fork, nuging me, being "cute". At one point we were in the kitchen, he leaned towards me, I imediately felt the urge to kiss him, I grabbed his face... leaned in... and bit him (softly) on the cheek. Phsyc! At the last second told myself NO don't do it. H went to the bathroom, came out and shut my bedroom door. I went and pushed it open and said "just what do you think your doing?" he was sitting on the bedding taking off his jeans, he laughed and said "my bed tonight". Then climbed in. I said, "no don't think so". I got ready and climed in beside him. We went to sleep. And this morning for the first time. He did not seem p*ssed off that he'd spent the night. We sat for a long time just drinking coffee, sitting in the kitchen just talking. About whatever. Just the two of us...

BIL had to be in town early so he could go to work. So they stayed till around noon then left.

This is so hard... I love having him here. But I hate it when he goes. It isn't enough for me to have him here one night a week. But it's all he's got right now. I see him working on issues but until he lets me in there is nothing I can say or do. I want to be "real" with him, I feel he needs to see that we can be with each other, but yet I can't push. He has stayed here the last 3 Saturdays and last Tuesday. I feel like each time we get a little more comfortable with each other. I think harvest could be interesting. I think there is a good possiblity that he'll be staying more.

I'm really trying to be still and see what happens here. BUT I like you say do not want him just using me either. But how do I know what he is really doing/thinking. Is he leaning towards home, or is he just taking full advantage of me and the sitch...

Have a good week (((everyone)))
TOH