Can't they chill and let me be free?

[Sugar and Spice]

Its been a pretty "fun" weekend all in all. Friday was 6 Flags, yesterday DS played his last game and we went (as a family) to a Community College football game that was nice and mellow. Today DD and I went to our friends house for our now annual "carving party" and DS and H went to his football party. It was good all things considered. I've been busy so there hasn't been a lot of time to dwell on H and his drama, which has been good.

I read H4H's thread and I see so many similarities in our personalities, Karen too. I agree with Karen, I'm not sure that pitch black is in any of our natures, but it probably should be...for self preservation alone.

There is such a big part of me that is ready to walk away. To just be done and move on. I have so many people IRL that are telling me that H has shown me his true colors. His willingness to hurt me and the kids over and over should tell me everything I need to know and its getting easier to believe it. The lady that has helped me do all the LS and other stuff tells me CONSTANTLY that I should just walk away. Start dating, find a "friend", move on. There is another part of me that wants to fight still, but its getting smaller everyday. That part of me wants to believe that there is something worth salvaging, that I haven't just been holding on because I'm too scared to let go. I'm not foolish enough to actually believe the things H says anymore, I've been burnt one too many times. Thats not to say I don't WANT to believe them though, everyone WANTS to believe in some sort of fairy tale, right? My head says "no way", but my heart isn't a very good listener.

H was telling me a few days ago that his big plan is to go to the C and figure this all out so he can end up coming home, but if he is killing me in the process that he would understand if I moved on. He hopes I won't/don't, but would understand if I can't do "this" anymore. Then Thursday when we were talking about finalizing our "settlement agreement", I told him that either way this benefits him as well. It shows that he pays x amount of $$ per month and that would be helpful if he were here or not and he said, "well what if I don't come home?" and I wasn't sure what to say. He is a mass of contradictions. One day I am his confidant about this baby, then all of a sudden he doesn't want to talk about it and plays it real close to the vest. I just don't know what to think.

WDID...any insight?