ok its time to post

[fisherman]

Hey everyone,

I've been a lurkin for quite sometime, this site is full of amazing people. I've learned so much from searching the archives and reading the posts from the "wise ones." Snodderly, Hearts Blessing, Amyc, M go Blue, Jack (just to name a few). I can't imagine where I would be today if I had never found this site.

Sooo where do I begin? Life "seemed" grand up until FEB.07. W gives birth to our baby boy, soon after suffers from post partum, says she has thoughts that the kids and I are better off without her,sometimes while driving has had thoughts of "pulling into oncoming traffic." Inside I freaked but didn't want to show it to her. Next few months I stay home whenever possible, W and kids and housework become everything to me.She visits Dr. twice during this time,but does not want to go on Meds.
Things seemed to get better as time moves along. Looking back on everything now, nothing could be futher from the truth.

Quick run down.

5/07 - 11/07 she slowly starts to withdraw (never picked up on this until much later 1/08) low self esteem has always been a problem, but gets worse. Becomes an exercise nut very concerned with looks. very critical of herself. She becomes awefully quiet restless and angry. Then the spending spree begins.

12/07 - 5/08 She dives into work going after a promotion and gets her dream job. It becomes her main focus. Now I start to notice that she always needs to be busy doing something.(usually on her own). Anger and projection start to creep in toward me much more and we are arguing a lot. Things start to get crazy. She is very withdrawn from me and finds any excuse to be away. When I try to get her to open up all I ever get is "I don't want to talk about it, thats all you ever want to do." Our love life becomes non existant and she shys away from physical contact in general. I start to catch her in little lies from time to time, they all seem to revolve around her cell phone. The fighting gets worse, I was clueless about DBing at the time and made every mistake in the book. We went to counseling three times and the counselor told her she thought she was depressed and had control issues, after that she refused to go back.

6/08 - 8/08 The bomb drops June 1st after a fight we had about her hiding her cell phone and more lies. She tells me she hasn't been happy in a year and she can't think of any one thing that I have said or done to cause this. My reply was Gee, Your telling me you have not been happy since you had post partum depression,does that tell you anything. She says she doesn't feel that way anymore and is unhappy in our relationship because of all the arguing. "We just grew apart."I begged,cried,talked to her mother, made every mistake possible until I found this site in late June.
W moves out into a dumpy rental about 5 minutes drive from home, claming its temporary and we need space. I refused to leave and was firm about what stayed here at the house. I also told her that I would not accept anything less than 50/50 as far as are babies go. She agreed, Its so sad because for a while I think they cut into the "me" time in her eyes. I did a little snooping (not proud of this) and found out about the OM. She finally admitted it and claimed it was an EA only. He is 40. It was going on since December. By this time I had read DB&DR. I told her him or me. She said it just happened and she would cut all contact. For a few weeks its like she kind of came around a bit. She called me nightly and seemed to be improving a little, she would mention wierd things like I'm a vegitarian now(that lasted for a week)to I want a boob job. Now she has a new group of friends(most are old friends from school) and has mentioned that our friends and some of her family have distanced themselves from her. The funny thing is that anytime somebody (especially me) tells her something she doesn't want to hear its, adios! She still said ILY to me, that didn't stop until the blow up about the house.

8/08-10/08 The rollercoaster is way up and way down. I am the first to admit my db skills suck at times which causes me to get sucked into the drama. W seems to be showing more depression now, she looks bad somedays and better on others and forgetful at times. I blame myself for her filing the D. She wanted me to take her name off the mortgage because I was short on $ and expressed concern about losing the house. I was impatient and let the drama get to me. I blew it one day and told her I had enough. I now know I haven't. I told her I did not want the D and I'm sorry I said I did. Its so hard to detach because of are young children. We still have a lot of contact. She has put D on hold, has not mentioned anything else about it or the house.
Lately I am noticing she has put more attention back on our children in a good way. Its been very slow, she still has contact with a few new friends but we have been spending some time together as well. She seems to bounce back and forth. She now says she doesn't know what she wants. She called crying a couple of weeks ago and said she has treated me aweful and I deserve better. I told her I still wanted to make things work. She says she is confused and feels like she doesn't know me anymore. I'm starting to feel things are changing with her,. We have been spending some time together. She looks better again and her body language is more relaxed along with a lot more eye contact. We took things a little too fast last weekend. We both enjoyed it but she got scared and my expectations should have been zero however they were not. Since then she has withdrawn again and still gets very touchy if she feels uncomfortable.
This has been the most difficult time. I have never prayed so much in my life. I know I need to let her come to me again. I just feel like I've had so many screw ups. The most frustrating thing for me is that she is a pro at wearing a mask around others. I feel all alone except for the people hear.

Please know that I'm well aware of my role in all of this. I did take are R for granted at times its hard with work and two youngsters to find time for each other.I'm willing do anything to make things work. Had no clue what was actually happening for the longest time. Dont really know if I should be posting here, everthing thats happening looks like MLC but at 29, I just dont know. She has changed in every way. Looking back on our old R, she has never been very open about feelings. Her whole family is that way. They just dont communicate on that level. There ya have it, the short version any way. Man, I've come along way from last winter. I feel a lot more secure of who I am. I have learned to love unconditionally.

Thanks for listening and I'm open to any advice or questions

Trapt

[fisherman]

My W stopped by for about an hour w/the kids. she asked if they could stay overnight.She told me she had to work early saturday morning. I told her I had plans, but she could drop them off in the morning, no big deal. She said no I dont want to get them up and around that early, which doesn't make sense because they get up that early during the work week. I offered several times to do this but she refused and just sat there quietly. She had planned to stay for a while but left saying "well its not your problem I'll take them to my sisters.I ask her if she had plans for the night. She said no. Why must it be overnight? I found out later one of her friends had a birthday party at a local bar. She dropped the Kids off at her sisters and went to the party.
It has taken a huge amount of effort but I have not shown much of any emotion with her lately. I calmly confronted her about not telling me the truth, and got the same answer I always get. "I knew you would be mad and I was trying to avoid a fight." She was very defensive and short with me.

We had made plans to spend Halloween together with the kids and now she says I can't go. Also her B-day is next week we had planned to spend the evening together but now she says no, we could just do dinner out during the week. I feel stuck because at the time things were improving, part of me wants to spend some time together but I'm sick of feeling like a doormat. I cant get over the total disregard of anyones feelings but hers. I know with the way she is acting now that if I miss her B-day I'll never live it down.So frustrating to be ticked off and not be able to show it, or say wake up!! I'm trying to do something nice for your B-day and you could care less. I need some advice or a kick in the you know where.

Trapt

[peacetoday]

T
Love your name!!
well your w is young but there have been others appearing to go thru MLC or some kind of crises
Her behavior definitely seems to be similar to many others on the site
she seems confused and It is so difficult trying to be available for them when getting such confusing messages
I definitel;y dont have any answers
DB would say GAL, take care of yourself and be respectful and kind to wife..
The process seems to take a long time and them some
so all we can do is move forward with our lives as we watch our S
If you sense she is coming closer to herself, just watch be yourself take care of you and move slow
keep expectations low
sometimes they have touch and goes
they appear to be close,,want to talk or are more available only to totally withdraw again
I think there are a lot of these but if you think she is attempting to reconnect..allow it and be patient and let her go again if she needs to
it takes a long time
keep reading and posting
peace

[fisherman]

Thank you..

I agree she is pretty young to be in mlc. I don't know how long ppd can last, but she has changed into a totally different person. She has also made the comment "I dont know why but when you try to talk to me I get so angry." Its like she can't control it. I am learning more as time goes on to focus on myself and children. I'll admit I'm a "Mr.fix it" to the T. Maybe I should have chose that name instead, and maybe thats the biggest lesson for me to learn...I can only change me.

I think she sees the changes. About a month ago she got me worked up a bit and the first words out of her mouth were "here comes the old "trapt" again." It struck me funny at the time I don't know why and I started to laugh. Her next comment was "well atleast your laughing about it." I think I did a 180 without even trying. I know she loves to try to test me. She used to call me a roulette wheel. The funny thing is I was just reacting to all of her wierdness.

I can't believe this can go on forever. It just seems she will do anything to escape her feelings. The only people she will talk to about us are her new friends. I think she knows some of her family and our mutual friends can see through her bs.

[fisherman]

I have also noticed as well that she loves attention from other guys. It's like "wow he notices me." or something. I will admit I dropped the ball in that department. It's easy to do after you have been with someone for so long. She needs to here that all of the time ( I mean all of the time) and I didn't realize it was so important.

[Andabelle]

Sorry you find yourself here, Trapt.

[BSC]

trapt, I still can't believe how similiar our sitchs are. My W also keeps things to herself and is not a good communicator when she is angry or sad. I am sorry that she moved out. That must be hard on the children. I believed that working two jobs and keeping her a stay at home mom was what she needed. But looking back I should have given her more emotional support and I may not have gotten to this point.

Sorry to pirate your thread. I am here for you and somehow we are going to get through this. Feel free to give me daily play by play. I can handle it and I am the same way. Something happens and the first thing I want to do is vent it here on the site and get some feedback.

Stay strong!!

[fisherman]

Thanks man, Drop me a line anytime. It's great to come here to vent. My wife has been all over the place lately. Very angery and withdrawn if you say anything that is not "light" I call it weather talk. She snaps at the drop of a hat and spews venom like a pit viper.

( man I feel bad talking about her this way but if I dont I'll probably lose it. I still love her. For better or worse.)

She has said she doesn't want to see me on her actual B-day (this Saturday) but we could go out to dinner with the kids. On Thurs. She is leaving the kids at her folks and going out with her "new old" friends. sooooo frustrating. I need a tounge transplant, my is about gone. Second thought that would be pretty nasty I think I'll go without.

The one thing I have noticed is, call it karma, or God but man she has had some bad luck. Car trouble, Been sick about 5 or 6 times since moving out. Fell down and hurt her ankle. Those are just a few things that have happened. I have helped out whenever I could. Hell, I even help her move out. (that was before I found out about OM)

I feel bad, but hey, reality has its own way of knocking you upside the head sometimes. trouble is I don't think anyone is home up there at the moment.

Had to visit my L today, I hate going in there. Still nothing more happening with the D.

Stop by anytime, its great to hear from ya!

[fisherman]

I do feel so bad for her. The one thing I keep reminding myself is she is in a lot pain. She does a pretty good job at hiding it, but its there, you can't hide things like that with someone so close to you.

She has been very selfish and angry at times but I try my best to remind myself that she is confused and dealing with her emotions the only way she knows how.

I really think she is affraid to tell anyone about whats really going on inside of her and we thought we were lonely.

[fisherman]

Man - I need to work on my spelling and typing.