Thank you K for saying that it's not enough.. because deep in my heart I feel it isn't but I had doubts as to if I was having expectations.
And you're right Addie (and K or was it Lisa or Ali that also mentioned this recently). I do need to try something different.. and so I did. I had a relationship talk with him yesterday.
Firstly I told him that I'm not comfortable with his "Friendship" with OW. He swore up and down that it was just friendship and that he could have had those types of emotional feelings for anyone when he was feeling at his worst.. they just happened to be for her.. and that he doesn't feel that way about her anymore they are just friends. And I tried to explain to him that her mere presence is threatening to me.. and that it feels like her friendship is more important than his relationship with me. There were other things said... but in the end that part of the conversation was never resolved.
I said that I know that I contributed to the downfall of our marriage but that he has never come out and said what he feels was my contribution. and as expected he couldn't pin point it. Mostly he just said that we grew apart (and that it wasn't all due to his work.. but he didn't expand on what it was).. he said that he must have been so stressed trying to juggle all of these things that he "broke". I told him that he had been an amazing husband... and he said "yeah I was, but look what happened.. I couldn't handle it.. it broke me, I'm broken!" I said that I am too.
I told him that I won't continue to pretend that we are together around his extended family.. so with that in mind we'll need to make arrangements for the holidays. I said that I would not be spending the holidays with his family but that we could work something out so that they could see D3 during that time. He was shocked. And I wasn't just saying it to get a reaction.. I am truly bothered by this. I've been invited to go to things for his family, like Easter and Thanksgiving and a christening and I make up some lame excuse as to why I'm going elsewhere or not able to make it. I'm sure they must think I'm ungrateful or rude.. when it's just that I'm not comfortable. I don't want to immerse myself in his family and then us not reconcile and he start seeing someone else.. and then it would just get ugly. He was of the mindset that I would go for the holidays but that we would be open with people about where we're at.. and how was that going to come up? "Hi W2G, how are you?" "I'm doing good thanks! The beginning of the year was difficult when H moved out but D3 and I are doing much better now!" I think not. Way to cause people to lose their appetite or put a downer on the holidays.
So H is going to another Buffalo Bills game soon.. which is one of the things he did in December last year (and OW went with the group of them last year).. so the news of attending a game again this year has sent me spinning.... I know there is nothing I can do about it if they are spending time together.. but the thought of it makes me so ANGRY at my H.. and I feel absolute HATRED toward her... and it really messes with my tranquility and my PMA.
Anyway, H is in Mexico on business.. she may be there too, she may not... realistically it makes not difference in the scheme of things (if you exclude the bold faced lie my H would have done to my face if she is there).
I had felt I was doing so much better these last few months. I really had. But I feel like I hopped back on the roller coaster this week.. With the award dinner thingy we went to this week which was nice.. and then the fact that he saw D3 on Monday for a few hours and then Saturday for 6 hours and now is gone for a week... which makes me feel horrible for her... and then my birthday this week... I'm just feeling chitty.
The more I look back at the demise of my marriage it seems pretty clear to me that having a child is where I went wrong. I really, really wanted her.... and he obviously didn't. My sweet, beautiful (for those on the alternate universe.. she is such a beauty isn't she) girl... I guess I will need to continue to stand in the gap he left so that she always knows and feels how much she's loved.
Thanks for listening... and hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon.
Hugs, W2G
PS. T, thank you for sharing your feelings about your birthday. PSS. T, thank you for finding something positive about his "working on things" 'cause I struggle to see it.
