WAW Won't Communicate At All

[seaglass71]

Hi Baker,
Thanks. I did that. It was only like a 3 week period.

[seaglass71]

Thanks Tech,
I'll check it out at my local Barnes and Noble.

[MsMelancoly]

Well, I agree that guilt, lets add blame & resentment will destroy you inside, if you cannot deal with them. How do you men handle guilt? I would like to know?

seaglass71, I will post a bit of my sitch - if you want me to - but I don't want to clutter your thread w/my sitch.

[seaglass71]

Not too sure how I handle guilt. I guess I acknowledge when I've done something wrong, apologize, beat myself up and do everything humanly possible to atone for what I've done. Blame and Resentment sound more like external feelings. Love to hear about your sitch.

[MsMelancoly]

Here is the detaching poem, that was posted on a thread. It is very good & has helped me greatly when I needed it most.



To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

[MsMelancoly]

Seaglass71, My thread that tells my story is - Happy When It Rains - Me Condensed. So you can either look that up or look under my name under posts.

(I wrote an update last night & then my computer went kaput & lost what I wrote .... I hate that. I will try again tonight).

I think the one thing about DBing, that I don't agree with is to not look at the past. I know you cannot focus on the past & your spouses (or your) problems .... but if not dealt with ... they do play a role in today and the decisions you or your spouse may make today. I guess that is just my theory. My H is still dealing with childhood problems. I think he is controlled by fear & his insecurities. His mother left the family when he was 10 or 12. I believe my H deals with problems the same way - by running away & I bet he can never let a woman get too close to him, for fear she will abondandon him. Why doesn't he communicate, because his father was verbally & physically abusive, so he hides how he feels as well.

Maybe - I'm just regressing back to the Whys ..... dunno .....

Am I angry at my H - sometimes - but mostly, I just feel really sad for him. As much as he doesn't want me to - I do understand him, he has gotten too close to me & I still do love him. He can try to control everything he wants .... but he cannot control how I feel about him. More later .....

[seaglass71]

Ms,
That is fantastic. I need to print that out and keep a copy in my journal. Thank you for sharing that with me.

[seaglass71]

I agree with what you're saying. The way I look at it is my W still has so many doubts and questions that she is not getting answered. If this D does go through she will not have the closure that she needs. Even if (God forbid) she moves on and lives her life with someone else, she will still have the same feelings and doubts.

[MsMelancoly]

I totally understand what you are saying as well.

My sitch - has been an uphill battle since bomb day. Like I stated before my H is a runner & admitted to me last month that he has spent the past year trying to forget about our M or it's problems. Last month, we had our 1st R talks since last Nov. I thought they went well & maybe they did. But again it is easier to run away than to work on things. My H is also good at holding onto his guilt.

I admit - that I don't carry the DR book around like a bible (I only read each of them DB & DR once). But, then when I finally found this site, my H has been gone for 10 months. Sometimes, I wish I had found this site sooner & really had a plan drawn up. What have I tried lets see. I went dark last winter for 63 days, to gain back my own sanity & find the person that I really was (instead of letting fear control me). My H didn't try to contact me at all. I pretty much forced 2 meetings by doing taxes together. Then I found DB & used their coaches. I did a 180 inside - which was instead of being melancoly, to be upbeat, happy & be my H's cheerleader. I also wrote him funny emails from the pets. The later did get some results. But since OW was involved & my H's personality - it was only a minor & temporary babysteps. (And yes, ofcourse I was devistated, when finding out about OW. Yet, not so unexpected, because that is what he had done in the past. Also, it was only an alien child of our real problems. Still don't know what our real problems were). I forced another meeting with trading cars (my compact for his sportscar). Again, another babystep. WE did talk about divorce & I thought we would decide together. I know his mum is pushing him to divorce me (I have assets, he has debt). He did ask last month if we could work on our M after D. Very strange question, I think. So I am ok, w/D at the moment. I will keep a PMA, through it all, in knowing he can control if he wants to D me - but he cannot control how I feel about him. The 180 that I didn't do was be a total b*tch to him. I sent him a card for VDay & his Bday - which I probably shouldn't have. I sent him an anniversary postcard (cuz, I knew he wouldn't open a card). He received the card 3 days after he filed for D. (So I just laid somemore guilt on him). Oh well. Instead of R talks, I was supposed to be - being mysterious with him (that was my DBcoach suggestion). I couldn't follow it & had to find out, what he was thinking. That may have sped up the D process - who knows. Maybe I should have asked him to move his things out sooner (still 90% of his things are here), so he would have to deal with reality & not just leaving his old life behind. That chapter, has yet to be written.

What did I do for me. Went to see an IC for the 1st time in my life & learned a lot about me. I read a lot of relationship books, a website on egos, a book on male depression, the 5 Languages of Love book, & His Needs Her Needs book. Obliviously, none of them helped my M sitch - but I have learned & grown so much this past year. I do not reget what has happened this year - much what I have lost, I have gained in knowledge & have learned to do & view things differently.

So I totally understand how difficult it is to deal with a spouse, who wants nothing to do with you. All I wanted was to be friends again with my H. I have not given up on that. You have to stay strong, positive inside & out, and be patient. Don't let family & friends control your actions. You know what is best for you & what road you need to take.

[seaglass71]

I honestly believe that God exposed my situation so I would stop. You know how they say that there is a positive in everything? This is my positive. It has caused me to re-evaluate my entire life. I "lost" the real me - the person my wife fell in love with. I know that deep down I am a good person regardless of the mistakes that I've made. I am doing everything that I can do to improve the person that I am. I, too, lost my wife and my best friend. I HOPE that my situation is temporary. I BELIEVE that it is fixable. Unfortunately the only thing i can do externally is wait. I don't have the opportunity to do anything else. My wife can't see any of the changes that I have and continue to make. I need to learn to be patient.