LE, Hey I think that the line between a good husband/father and a codependent is when the person loses their identity to the roles of father/husband. I've been there and my W tried to tell me about 2 years ago when she was in rehab. I think people with addictive personalities and people who have codependent tendencies are drawn to each other like moths to a flame.
I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night (1st in 2 years) and for the first time since starting the DB process; I really realized what the Al-Anon 12 step program is all about for us "normal" people. Now I'm eager to do my steps and get more involved with the program. Part of my GAL.
If there were any to get back in the house; you could really be there for the kids. I know that's probably not possible at this point. My only thought is keep letting the W do her own thing and you have to make attempts to see the kids every chance you get. If I were in your shoes, until I got to a happier place; I'd be content to at least be the sitter when the crazy W does her own thing. That's just me.
I think that the line between a good husband/father and a codependent is when the person loses their identity to the roles of father/husband.
This might be me. Scary to think about actually and how I could've let this happen! I did some reading about codependency weeks ago trying to figure out why this happened. I know that I wasn't happy in my marriage, but I wasn't miserable either. I've never really had that "in love" feeling with my W, even in the early days of our relationship. She always felt more like an obligation than a partner. I couldn't trust her enough to let her in to my world and always sort of held her at arm's length. Now I am sitting here asking "why did I always feel this way?"
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
I know that I wasn't happy in my marriage, but I wasn't miserable either.
Ditto. I wasn't miserable because all of my life; I dreamed that I would have the beautiful,smart W who would give lovely children and we would live happily after. As I've stated before, I was charmed and seduced by a skilled manipulator who appeared before me as the beautiful, smart W I was looking for. I was hooked. I didn't fall in love with her 'til after we were married; but she was fulfilling the role that I wanted her to fill. Classic codependency stuff in the making. but then she was looking for a codependent partner; I believe, she wanted to be taken care of.
Through the years, I wouldn't/couldn't give her the romance she deserved. Not that it would've mattered. I feel based on what I know about her past; that she would have been a WAW even if I'd been the perfect husband. But I left everything that I ever enjoyed as a single man and let the marriage and fatherhood envelop me. Even my W pointed this out as late as July.
Quote:
She always felt more like an obligation than a partner.
Ditto on this one as well. I think that in the last few years, my R with the W is more of a father/child type. And this causes lots of resentments to build up in me. And right now, I've got one building as we speak.
Holly crap, my W has said the same thing many times. What is with that?
Me-39 STBXW-42 together 20yrs M-17 Kids-2 D-18 S-16 Bomb-96 Bomb-2005 bomb- 3/2008 for a year Separated 5/08 Filing in July Today.... Slowly learning a new life!
They are all borderline personality disorder? Read bpd411.org James. Tom sent me the link from cookie and it makes a bunch of sense. I started on the persuasive blamers page and just surfed around from there. Pretty scary stuff IMO.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
LE, you commented over at James' that your wife belittled you in front of friends. Mine does the same thing. We would go to parties and my W would leave me behind in the dust. If there were games; she'd want to partner with someone else. She would always say that I was lacking in some skill or ability. Really slaps the ole self-esteem into the dirt. That's where many of our arguments started; because she'd be drinking when she start in on the insults. I'd bet hurt and pissed. If she didn't drink, it usually didn't happen. It's like I wasn't good enough to be her man; until something had to be paid for.
My W would do it in front of my family. Either to embarass me or to make herself feel better. Not sure. I just know that I hated it! My W didn't have to be drinking she would be stone sober and make comments that hurt me.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
