Im done.

[bluerain]

Well, I spoke with my MIL, she has disgusted me lately in how she is dealing with all of this, and today was no exception.

She says that if I can just wait till spring, "No one knows what might happen!" and she says that he ended the affair, because it was just too hard all around, I know for a fact that she dumped his a$$. She told me that HE needs this time to heal... ex-freaking-scuse me? He needs to heal? Maybe he needs time to heal the gonorrhea rash he got, but I should not have to hear about how HE needs to heal because HE has been hurt.

Give me a break. You just keep patting him on the head and telling him it will be okay instead of telling him hes being a child..

Sorry, purgatory does not suit me, I may not understand whats happening right now, but I will not accept that I should wait 8 months so HE (of all the people) can heal...

[sgctxok]

bluerain,

Just checking in on you...how are you?

c.db_mod is handling this forum mostly, but I wanted to check on my KLAers.

[karen43]

bluerain,

Just checking in on you...how are you?

c.db_mod is handling this forum mostly, but I wanted to check on my KLAers.

I noticed I haven't seen you around much lately! I miss ya!!! Karen

[bluerain]

Hi guys. Its been a while. Im not so great. H moved to Virginia, I knew he was going to, so thats no surprise. Ive been doing really well, until the last week or so. I have become so sad. I had come to terms with my marriage being over for all intents and purposes months ago. He for some reason still wont sign the papers, he wont say why, or that he wants to get back together or anything, just refused to even touch them.

I am so disorganized, I cant focus, I got my first D's in school, college, you know classes that I paid $600 a piece for. I cant afford to fail at this! I cant. I cant study, I cant be like this, I have to fix it.

I am so frustrated that I am still paying for his affair! Havent I lost enough? I sent him some very angry text messages the other day. Got a littany of "Im so sorry's" back. he told me that he just hides out in his apartment from the world and has to be drunk to sleep. I asked him why I should care. I also told him that it brings me a small measure of comfort to know that the person he has become doesnt settle well with him either.

But he still has the little whores pic on his myspace, as his #1 friend, with my pic right next to her. Really? she destroyed my life, and then cheated on him, and shes still #1? If he wants to entertain any possibilty of reconciling (even so much as) our friendship he will take her off of there. Its disrespectful, disgusting, and pathetic, probably more, but I cant think of anything else to say right now!

I am an emotional wreck, I am fuming angry one minute (at anyone with the nerve to speak to me!), and sobbing the next. I already worked through this 6 months ago didnt I? I have been seeing this wonderful man for a few months now, and I have come to terms with my failure in my marriage. Even when things were at their very worst, and when he was moving out, it wasnt like this. I am constantly switching negative emotions, and I am so tired. I just cant seem to get a grip.

Thanks you guys for checking in.

[yenko69]

It is a two way street. Your failings in the M has nothing to do with his decisions. But, yeah we do sometimes pay for the cost of that decision. Take control of yourself and your life. Everyday is a moment you should not squander.

The future's uncertain
and the end is always near

The Doors

[bluerain]

My MIL just sent me an email. Saying that she knows life must be very difficult and she wants me to know I am in her thoughts and prayers. So here is my response. I'm not sending it because I know that most of it is just hurtful, and I don't need to send her a message that is just plain mean.

Hi MIL, Thank you for checking in. Yes, things are just a little difficult. I got my first F in college. I blame it on your boy. Whether its deserved or not, I consider him responsible for my inability to concentrate. I would like to know when I wont be paying to this anymore. I'm not the one who did something horrible, why am I still suffering?

I'm sorry that my name isn't Dallas, I'm sorry that I'm not some 23 year old married bar whore who just spreads her legs for the first married slimeball who asks. I'm sorry that I thought my H was a good man, and I'm sorry that I spent so much time thinking that he would do the right thing. I'm sorry that you couldn't tell your child to do the right thing. I really don't care how much you don't want to believe that your kid is a dirt bag, but you will NEVER be able to justify the affair he had. An affair is NEVER the right thing to do. Never. Telling him to turn his back on his marriage of 3.5 years, on a relationship we had almost put 10 years into, if it made him happy, was shameful.

And finally, I want you to know that he didn't end the relationship. She did. He went to visit her, surprised her, and caught her with her boyfriend. Was it just easier to believe that he had realized what an awful thing he was doing? Isn't it interesting that the married woman who was willing to sleep with a married man couldn't be faithful, even to him. I also find it interesting that he couldn't even be honest with you about it. Does his father, or his brother know yet? It must be hard for you to carry this burden alone, I guess life must be difficult for you right now.

I want you to know that encouraging him to do these awful things didn't make him happy. He doesn't leave his dive apartment, had no friends and is counting down the days till he comes back. Not to me, just back to Alaska. It must be hard to not have a home anymore.

That's the end of it. Now that I see it all written out I am even more glad I didn't choose to send it! The other day on his myspace he said "I need to move on" and his mood was set to "Sad". Unfortunately, I dont think that he was talking about moving on from me. The hardest thing for me is that he doesn't even want to make it up to me. Its not like he is some playground bully who hurt my feelings. This is my Husband, and he caused me such profound pain and he doesn't even want to try to make it right.

I told him the other day in the middle of a phone convo that as long as he had that chlamydia-ridden home-wreckers picture on his myspace I would not even entertain the possibility of being his friend. The continued disrespect, her in position 1 and me in position 2, was just too much. He started to protest, saying that I had moved him to position 15 or so, I said, "You had an affair! You cheated on me for 4 months! You should be happy to be on there at all!" He agreed. And the next day she was gone, shes not even on his friends list anymore. Most of our communication happens through text messaging, very short, just exchanges about mail, or our dogs.

I don't think that we can recover from this. I think that the only way for me to forgive him, truly, would be if we reconciled our M. And I just don't think that he has any interest in it, too much work, I think. This isn't something you can ask for forgiveness for, you will have to earn it. I just find it unbelievable that he really doesn't want to try to fix it! Isn't that what you are supposed to do when you hurt someone? Try to make it up to them? I guess that's what good people do, not affair having sleazeballs.

[karen43]

I don't think that we can recover from this. I think that the only way for me to forgive him, truly, would be if we reconciled our M. And I just don't think that he has any interest in it, too much work, I think. This isn't something you can ask for forgiveness for, you will have to earn it. I just find it unbelievable that he really doesn't want to try to fix it! Isn't that what you are supposed to do when you hurt someone? Try to make it up to them? I guess that's what good people do, not affair having sleazeballs.

Glad to see you, but sorry you're going through a rough time!!! I do think normal, healthy people would try to make it up to you, but I realized at some point, our WAS I don't think for the most part are normal and healthy. Most seem to be broken and messed up and leading unhealthy lives, that includes my H and sounds like your H is too. Maybe some day some will get their act together, like your H hopefully. And probably some won't....It's hard enough just getting myself together, so can't worry about it too much, although I still pray for my H every night. Karen

[bluerain]

Thanks Karen. I just hope that he learned enough of a lesson to have an honest marriage next time. Ive all but given up on him for now. Maybe next spring. Hes across the country now, and he seems to be going through a pretty deep depression. I worry about it sometimes, but really, this is his bed. Ive told him that I will listen to him if he needs to talk, but I dont think that he wants that from me.

I had a sudden realization the other night, I read once that 80% of marriages survive infidelity. How can I possibly be in the 20% that dont? It just surprises me. I wanted to tell H, "Do you realize that 80% of husbands are better men than you?"

It seems like he is coming back to himself, I really dont expect anything from him as far as the M is concerned, Im pretty sure that coffin is sealed, but I think that his depression reflects the fact that he really is suffering because of what he has done. That shows me that he knows just how wrong what he did was. Maybe he will recover some of himself in all of this, but that remains to be seen, I think that hes going to be paying for this for some time.

[karen43]

I had a sudden realization the other night, I read once that 80% of marriages survive infidelity. How can I possibly be in the 20% that dont? It just surprises me. I wanted to tell H, "Do you realize that 80% of husbands are better men than you?"

Don't know if they are better men, but maybe less broken and messed up or depressed or whatever their problems may be? I was depressed last year too, and still think I was a good person, just needed help (therapy and ADs for me). But you can't do it for him, he has to do it for himself, just like I did it for myself well maybe a little for my kids' sake too. But you can't do it for him. I think we have to detach and let go while they are going through MLC or depression or the fog or whatever you want to call it. Maybe someday he'll get healthy and come back to you, or maybe he won't. It took me a long time to be able to accept it, and I think I'm almost there! Karen

[bluerain]

I think hes trying to get help, there was a mistake on our insurance and the MC sent me a $460 bill, when I told him about it, he told me he was going to the clinic this week and would talk to them about it. I hope that hes going to get some counseling, but with my luck its probably STD testing! I think that this is something that he needs to work through on his own. Especially considering the fact that he lives on the other side of the continent right now. I cant ask for anything from him anymore, and I dont expect anything from him.

He really turned out to be very disappointing.