Im done.

[bluerain]

My MIL just sent me an email. Saying that she knows life must be very difficult and she wants me to know I am in her thoughts and prayers. So here is my response. I'm not sending it because I know that most of it is just hurtful, and I don't need to send her a message that is just plain mean.

Hi MIL, Thank you for checking in. Yes, things are just a little difficult. I got my first F in college. I blame it on your boy. Whether its deserved or not, I consider him responsible for my inability to concentrate. I would like to know when I wont be paying to this anymore. I'm not the one who did something horrible, why am I still suffering?

I'm sorry that my name isn't Dallas, I'm sorry that I'm not some 23 year old married bar whore who just spreads her legs for the first married slimeball who asks. I'm sorry that I thought my H was a good man, and I'm sorry that I spent so much time thinking that he would do the right thing. I'm sorry that you couldn't tell your child to do the right thing. I really don't care how much you don't want to believe that your kid is a dirt bag, but you will NEVER be able to justify the affair he had. An affair is NEVER the right thing to do. Never. Telling him to turn his back on his marriage of 3.5 years, on a relationship we had almost put 10 years into, if it made him happy, was shameful.

And finally, I want you to know that he didn't end the relationship. She did. He went to visit her, surprised her, and caught her with her boyfriend. Was it just easier to believe that he had realized what an awful thing he was doing? Isn't it interesting that the married woman who was willing to sleep with a married man couldn't be faithful, even to him. I also find it interesting that he couldn't even be honest with you about it. Does his father, or his brother know yet? It must be hard for you to carry this burden alone, I guess life must be difficult for you right now.

I want you to know that encouraging him to do these awful things didn't make him happy. He doesn't leave his dive apartment, had no friends and is counting down the days till he comes back. Not to me, just back to Alaska. It must be hard to not have a home anymore.

That's the end of it. Now that I see it all written out I am even more glad I didn't choose to send it! The other day on his myspace he said "I need to move on" and his mood was set to "Sad". Unfortunately, I dont think that he was talking about moving on from me. The hardest thing for me is that he doesn't even want to make it up to me. Its not like he is some playground bully who hurt my feelings. This is my Husband, and he caused me such profound pain and he doesn't even want to try to make it right.

I told him the other day in the middle of a phone convo that as long as he had that chlamydia-ridden home-wreckers picture on his myspace I would not even entertain the possibility of being his friend. The continued disrespect, her in position 1 and me in position 2, was just too much. He started to protest, saying that I had moved him to position 15 or so, I said, "You had an affair! You cheated on me for 4 months! You should be happy to be on there at all!" He agreed. And the next day she was gone, shes not even on his friends list anymore. Most of our communication happens through text messaging, very short, just exchanges about mail, or our dogs.

I don't think that we can recover from this. I think that the only way for me to forgive him, truly, would be if we reconciled our M. And I just don't think that he has any interest in it, too much work, I think. This isn't something you can ask for forgiveness for, you will have to earn it. I just find it unbelievable that he really doesn't want to try to fix it! Isn't that what you are supposed to do when you hurt someone? Try to make it up to them? I guess that's what good people do, not affair having sleazeballs.