I was unfaithful

[Molly44]

Thank you

[Molly44]

i am really really emotional this morning. I cried all the way through 'Queer eye for the straight guy' while eating breakfast. It feels like the first week after he left. God tears are running down my face as I write this.

Let me list what I am so upset about in order to try to get it out:

Loss of family.
Children dont have a hands on dad at there beck and call
How are they modeling there own futures, as they live through this
I have no companion.
I have no one to share everyday things with.
I cant see the future.
I dont know what it looks like
I dont want to be alone.
i am so tired of being sad.
i am tired of all the work.
I am tired of all the head space this fills up as I panic that I am not being attentive enough to childrens needs.

I just want this to be over

[SirPrizeMe]

sorry you are feeling the anger, max.
see a counselor.
are you sure that "BEGIN TO HATE HIM" is a good strategy?

This is going to sound like a 2x4, but your statement made something very clear to me. you wrote:
H is not answering my calls or texts which frustrates the hell out of me. It feels like he is trying to prove something or tell me something ......

What's clear is, you are not dealing with this very well.

There are 75 different reasons he may not have answered his phone or called you back. But your response to his silence shows that you need to detach from him. It is not always about you. Is it really likely that everything he does is just to send a message to you? Maybe he has his own thing going on and doesn't want to answer the phone? Maybe his phone is misplaced? Maybe it's out of batteries? Maybe he's in a movie theater? There are lots of possible reasons, but you feel pretty certain he is doing it as a way to send you a message.

Look, that's not reasonable. It just isn't. It's self-centered and unrealistic.

You are very wrapped up with him, what he is doing and not doing. You need to watch your own feet.

Listen, Max, I don't mean to be unfriendly, but snap out of it! Your H is not there to answer to your call. Ok? This is clear. My perspective is: You are at home Saturday because you didn't take care of your own plans. Is there a lesson here? H will not rescue you, will not fill up your weekend nights for a while. it's up to you. Next weekend, if you don't want to be alone, what are you going to do?

[Sanderika]

Good Morning Max....

Just read up more on your posts.....

I am sorry you were hurting yesterday. It is very hard to be in our sitches. My heart goes out to you....

You need to have patience for H, H is hurt. He will work this out in his own time, one step at a time. It can't be forced, if it is the results will definately be a divorce - just my opinion.

H will also have good days and bad days. Take the good days for what they are and leave him alone the rest of the time. Remember - NO EXPECTATIONS.

It was great that you were finally totally honest with him. H would not have been able to handle "the rest of the story" down the road if he had accepted what he had known as the story to that point and then you hit him with more. You would have lost him for sure - just my opinion.

I think it is a huge positive that you ML with H a few days ago. You need to realize that H is attracted to you and is thinking about you even if he doesn't show it. Don't be impatient if your H doesn't approach you to ML again right away. If he enjoyed it, he is still thinking about it. And, girlfriend...you need to make sure H enjoys it. Make him want it with you. Be Patient...Be Attactive, Sexy, Smell Good and Treat him with Love, Kindness and Friendship when he is around. DON'T POUR YOURSELF ON HIM THOUGH, BE A BIT FLIRTY, Make H feel Desireable. Be prepared for a visit...Don't let your guard down. You want H to see you living well. You want H to see what he is leaving behind, you want H to want you. H will not want someone who is lonely and needy and desperate.

You can't reach out to H...Don't call him or text him incessantly....H will feel the needy desperation and will bolt. You own businesses together, if you needed a tax question answered...you should call and leave the question in the message or email the question and wait for H to return the answer in a form he feels comfortable. No nagging for the answer. To you it might be just a tax question, but to H it is a whole lot more.

I go dark and I find it helps a lot better. Make H also wonder what is going on with you. He will wonder. He may not show it, but he will wonder. Remember...Your H is watching you very carefully, give H good thoughts and ideas about you.

A thought about your son wanting to spend time with his dad...perhaps if son would extend his hand to dad and help dad paint then dad would go play golf with son. Sometimes these guys are selfish and stubborn. I have great luck convincing son to hang with dad and bad luck the other way around. I think any contact is good contact. They will then enjoy any company together and it will lead to more.

I have kept my son informed of our sitch and including the reasons why it happened. My son has lived this from the age of 9 and he is an awesome kid. I think they can handle it and I think it would be wrong to hide things from them now that they will want the answers to later on. Our kids know more than we think they do so why not tell them the truth you want them to know instead of the half truths and inuendos through the grapevine they will hear, or their own thoughts which can be just as damaging.

I know you are tired, believe me I know...

You need to prepare for the long winding road of hills and valleys. Standing is a very personal choice. I have been standing for almost 39 months, I am not sorry. It is very frustrating, tiring, painful and lonely. I understand the theory of GAL but it doesn't replace the loneliness you feel for H. If you GAL, H will notice this too. So get out there...Make plans for next weekend for sure.

In my world.....

This weekend I had to paint some more trim on my house yesterday...days here are getting cold and I am running out of time. Today I am going to take son to the movies and out for lunch.

I am going to a Micro-Brew Beer Festival next Saturday with 4 friends (all girls) and I hate Beer!!!! But it is something to do....and maybe I will find one I like, so see make plans...google something going on in your area, check with friends and make plans...you will be glad you did. H may even find out about it and trust me that makes them wonder even more about your world and what's going on in it.

This won't be easy, Max...I am surviving and you will too,

Your friend,

Sanderika

[Molly44]

Thank you. Today I feel much better. It seems I also have these lows as well.

I am not texting or calling all the time , in fact rarely these days but when i do and he does not answer then I seem to tail spin.

I will see C, as long time friend rode the storm with me said , 'I think you need some prof help ' and she is not one to say that.

My opinion is that it is not detaching so much ( just a little ) it is loss of control over this person.

Yesterday , I came home from shopping with D16 and H was there having coffee. He raised the topic of our R with a simple question and I took a long hard look at him and i said that I no longer wanted to be married. It was kind of empowering , a part of me doesn't and has always felt that. Tommorrow it could all be different but today it feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Your H is not there to answer to your call. Ok?

OK

You are at home Saturday because you didn't take care of your own plans. Is there a lesson here? H will not rescue you, will not fill up your weekend nights for a while. it's up to you. Next weekend, if you don't want to be alone, what are you going to do?

Very good. Puts it into perspective. There was nothing stopping me making my own plans. I am trying to break a lifetime habit with him. We have been together since I was 16 and other than OE when I was 19 for a year, i have spent every Saturday night ( few exceptions) with him.

It is these little gems from this site that I hold on to. Thanks for your help.

[marriedCrazy]

My opinion is that it is not detaching so much ( just a little ) it is loss of control over this person

It seems that you realize that you cannot control your H. I know that for my sitch, the rapid downward spiral started after I became controlling. I didn't realize I was controlling; but looking back, I can see how she felt that it was. I never REALLY forgave her; I never REALLY trusted her again. She was done trying. Now I realize that it was a fear of losing her that made my grip even tighter.

Now I've let her go; but you know what, she's still here, physically. I don't bother her about what she does; in fact, I don't care so much. I do deep down; but I've realized that I'm happy when I'm not in her presence, so losing her is NOT the catastrophic event I thought it might be.

Dropping control of the spouse leads to real detachment.

best wishes Max. I think you're getting somewhere.

[Molly44]

What is it to go "dark "

If it is to have no contact at all, then I to feel this would be easier. It was hard giving up OM. It took a long time but the fact that I did not contact him or see him made it a little easier over a long period of time. OM was good at this as well. My H has since told me that OM went to bed for a month and did not get out. I did not know this.

I have always thought that packing up and moving away would be easier but on whom - ME. Very selfish as kids need constant access to their dad if either of them want it.

It was great that you were finally totally honest with him.

Really - to me it feels like the biggest mistake. When H only thought he knew it had been PA but I would not confirm it, then he hung around. He promised me and told me to trust him with the truth, as it was the lies that were killing him. That once he had the truth from me , then we could go ahead and work on M. I told him the truth and that was so hard to do and for my trouble that was the end of M. Soooooo I should not of trusted him.

I understand the theory of GAL but it doesn't replace the loneliness you feel for H. If you GAL, H will notice this too. So get out there...Make plans for next weekend for sure

Me to - SPM has been hitting me with it for a while now and to a small extent I do. Right now i am organising a little joint business venture with my 70 year old mum. I focused on this yesterday and last night I took her out for dinner and we had a nice night. I am a big picture person and tire of the small details ( which makes anything you do successful ). This is possibly a problem I have at the moment with H. It would be good if i was a details person because then I could focus all energies on to that.

if son would extend his hand to dad and help dad paint then dad would go play golf with son.

Sadly he does help. My problem is that over the years i have berated H for his work habits or addiction and have fought to show my kids the other side of life. I DO NOT ever want them to be like what H is with regard to work. With this in mind they are very very aware of his work habits and fight against them as well.

But good news H has organised something with S for this afternoon. I am at work so am not around , so no excuse to avoid kids.

This won't be easy, Max...I am surviving and you will too,

I know this logically but some days..............

[bluerain]

Some days is right! Im so sorry Max. My H had the affair, but I understand how much your hurting. Ive come to terms with the end of my M, even started dating again, but some days, I cry harder than I did when he was moving out. Usually when he has the nerve to remind me of his existance with a text message or something! I think that time really is all that will help.

I try to play outside every day, I go to the beach or just play with my dogs in the yard, it helps, though its starting to get harder, it hasnt gotten warmer than 27 degrees here today! But the ocean is beautiful during a windstorm. And it reminds me that Im more than just an abandoned wife, it makes it a little harder to feel sorry for myself.

[Sanderika]

Max,

In catching up on your post to SPM, you said H brought up the R with a question. WHAT DID HE ASK YOU???

You said after a long hard look you told him that you no longer wanted to be married. DID HE ASK FOR A DIVORCE???

H wanted to talk, DID YOU CLOSE AND LOCK THE DOOR??

I find when my H wants to talk we have "great conversations" about the R, M, HIM, ME, SON, OW, BUSINESS, WEATHER, ETC...You get the idea. Let me tell you if I want to talk and he doesn't the talk goes no where and fast. I always get his true thoughts and feelings when he is open to conversation.

In my opinion men aren't talkers either, they hate emotional stuff. If it can't be fixed the logical way they aren't interested in an emotional solution. Your H sounds the same to me.

Going Dark means no contact, act "as if" the sitch is not your priority and you are adjusting and moving on. Go about your business without contacting H for anything. Discuss important issues regarding children and finances only. Behave as if you are moving on with your life. Keep a PMA and look absolutely fantastic when your H is around, smile and be friendly without overdoing. Absolutely be a mystery to H. If H contacts you continue the "as if" attitude but be cordial. In a conversation only discuss the matter at hand and then end the call. Do not be avail. every time H rings you. If H just pops by, immediately start doing something so as not to look sad and lonely and waiting. If H leaves you a message via phone or email answer it when you get to it, don't jump on it.

I am no obvious expert here, But these ideas are good ones. In most cases they have the desired results which is to bring H around in curiousity and to make yourself desireable to your H.

When it comes to telling the truth about the affair. I think you had to tell him. You cannot reconstruct a R and keep secrets as well. Your H is having a hard time with the truth but he is better off knowing it and so are you. It would haunt the R without it all being out in the open. Only now forgiveness can begin. Forgiveness takes a lot of time and patience. Your H needs to see your remorse and regret. Your H needs to see your commitment and it doesn't happen overnight. Your H needs to realize that he can trust you and you're the one who has to do all the work to convince H otherwise.

Max, I know you told your H you wanted the M to end. That is a LRT. It should not be used unless you mean what you said and you are prepared to follow through. I used the LRT and I feel it backfired big time on me. Don't be me unless you are 100% serious and will have no doubt in your choice.

Max, I might be wrong here, I have read about you and listened to your words...I don't believe this is what you want. Please search your inner being and soul for the answer. Like I said standing is a personal choice. It takes determination, patience and true grit to be a stander. In my opinion it's easy to throw in the towel. Think about what I said, it's your choice, make sure you will have no regrets to end the M before you begin the process.

I care about the sitch you are in...I know how hard living is for you...I live it every day.

Your friend,

Sanderika

[Molly44]

If your H had wanted to remained M and get rid of other woman, would you of worked on your M ?