I've been a lurkin for quite sometime, this site is full of amazing people. I've learned so much from searching the archives and reading the posts from the "wise ones." Snodderly, Hearts Blessing, Amyc, M go Blue, Jack (just to name a few). I can't imagine where I would be today if I had never found this site.
Sooo where do I begin? Life "seemed" grand up until FEB.07. W gives birth to our baby boy, soon after suffers from post partum, says she has thoughts that the kids and I are better off without her,sometimes while driving has had thoughts of "pulling into oncoming traffic." Inside I freaked but didn't want to show it to her. Next few months I stay home whenever possible, W and kids and housework become everything to me.She visits Dr. twice during this time,but does not want to go on Meds. Things seemed to get better as time moves along. Looking back on everything now, nothing could be futher from the truth.
Quick run down.
5/07 - 11/07 she slowly starts to withdraw (never picked up on this until much later 1/08) low self esteem has always been a problem, but gets worse. Becomes an exercise nut very concerned with looks. very critical of herself. She becomes awefully quiet restless and angry. Then the spending spree begins.
12/07 - 5/08 She dives into work going after a promotion and gets her dream job. It becomes her main focus. Now I start to notice that she always needs to be busy doing something.(usually on her own). Anger and projection start to creep in toward me much more and we are arguing a lot. Things start to get crazy. She is very withdrawn from me and finds any excuse to be away. When I try to get her to open up all I ever get is "I don't want to talk about it, thats all you ever want to do." Our love life becomes non existant and she shys away from physical contact in general. I start to catch her in little lies from time to time, they all seem to revolve around her cell phone. The fighting gets worse, I was clueless about DBing at the time and made every mistake in the book. We went to counseling three times and the counselor told her she thought she was depressed and had control issues, after that she refused to go back.
6/08 - 8/08 The bomb drops June 1st after a fight we had about her hiding her cell phone and more lies. She tells me she hasn't been happy in a year and she can't think of any one thing that I have said or done to cause this. My reply was Gee, Your telling me you have not been happy since you had post partum depression,does that tell you anything. She says she doesn't feel that way anymore and is unhappy in our relationship because of all the arguing. "We just grew apart."I begged,cried,talked to her mother, made every mistake possible until I found this site in late June. W moves out into a dumpy rental about 5 minutes drive from home, claming its temporary and we need space. I refused to leave and was firm about what stayed here at the house. I also told her that I would not accept anything less than 50/50 as far as are babies go. She agreed, Its so sad because for a while I think they cut into the "me" time in her eyes. I did a little snooping (not proud of this) and found out about the OM. She finally admitted it and claimed it was an EA only. He is 40. It was going on since December. By this time I had read DB&DR. I told her him or me. She said it just happened and she would cut all contact. For a few weeks its like she kind of came around a bit. She called me nightly and seemed to be improving a little, she would mention wierd things like I'm a vegitarian now(that lasted for a week)to I want a boob job. Now she has a new group of friends(most are old friends from school) and has mentioned that our friends and some of her family have distanced themselves from her. The funny thing is that anytime somebody (especially me) tells her something she doesn't want to hear its, adios! She still said ILY to me, that didn't stop until the blow up about the house.
8/08-10/08 The rollercoaster is way up and way down. I am the first to admit my db skills suck at times which causes me to get sucked into the drama. W seems to be showing more depression now, she looks bad somedays and better on others and forgetful at times. I blame myself for her filing the D. She wanted me to take her name off the mortgage because I was short on $ and expressed concern about losing the house. I was impatient and let the drama get to me. I blew it one day and told her I had enough. I now know I haven't. I told her I did not want the D and I'm sorry I said I did. Its so hard to detach because of are young children. We still have a lot of contact. She has put D on hold, has not mentioned anything else about it or the house. Lately I am noticing she has put more attention back on our children in a good way. Its been very slow, she still has contact with a few new friends but we have been spending some time together as well. She seems to bounce back and forth. She now says she doesn't know what she wants. She called crying a couple of weeks ago and said she has treated me aweful and I deserve better. I told her I still wanted to make things work. She says she is confused and feels like she doesn't know me anymore. I'm starting to feel things are changing with her,. We have been spending some time together. She looks better again and her body language is more relaxed along with a lot more eye contact. We took things a little too fast last weekend. We both enjoyed it but she got scared and my expectations should have been zero however they were not. Since then she has withdrawn again and still gets very touchy if she feels uncomfortable. This has been the most difficult time. I have never prayed so much in my life. I know I need to let her come to me again. I just feel like I've had so many screw ups. The most frustrating thing for me is that she is a pro at wearing a mask around others. I feel all alone except for the people hear.
Please know that I'm well aware of my role in all of this. I did take are R for granted at times its hard with work and two youngsters to find time for each other.I'm willing do anything to make things work. Had no clue what was actually happening for the longest time. Dont really know if I should be posting here, everthing thats happening looks like MLC but at 29, I just dont know. She has changed in every way. Looking back on our old R, she has never been very open about feelings. Her whole family is that way. They just dont communicate on that level. There ya have it, the short version any way. Man, I've come along way from last winter. I feel a lot more secure of who I am. I have learned to love unconditionally.
Thanks for listening and I'm open to any advice or questions
