Puppy Dog Tails, thank you very much! Short story is that she didn't tell me anything about the EA/PA, or OM's.
I suspected EA's/PA's since early Jan when different signs came up, but nothing conclusive. I confronted her each time but she came back with denials all around. I now believe that this whole "I need to leave" drive was sparked by a PA last summer. Certainly by that point the marriage was in shambles and this spark landed in a bed of dry-brush if you know what I mean.
About a month ago she acted goofy on a Sunday morning, and I looked in her backpack that she was taking with her. I saw whipped cream, but not much else. After she left I noticed that she took her sex toys and condoms as well. I confronted her when she came back but did not talk about my evidence "where were you" type of stuff. She denied having an affair emphatically, to the point I was thinking that maybe she went for an erotic massage/release -- and I still didn't have conclusive proof. She was all bummed that "she can't be herself" while we live together. The conversation led to a discussion of us setting aside her portion of home appreciation, so she would not feel so trapped.
Two weeks ago she lost her job. I realized she was using the home computer now, so installed key logger, and have now been through her entire webmail account. It documents everything. I have conclusive proof, but have not had any discussions about it with anyone.
As to her assertions about the quality of the marriage. There is some truth to it. The sex quickly trailed off after engagement, emotional connection was strained by the 9/11 downturn, 1st kid, and W's falling out with her family. I was imature in my ability to relate to her, and she was not sharing herself or her needs. We went to therapy for 1.5 yrs and *never* discussed the real issues, just recounted the last fight. She acknoledges her role in that, but uses the 1.5yrs of therapy as a proof point that we have no hope.
My thought is that we were in love while dating (1.5 yrs), we were in love in the early marriage, certainly enough to create a young daughter (another 1.5 yrs). The last 4 have been a steady ride down hill due to life pressures and naivete on both our parts.
But... she now is getting mind-blowing-sex, and emotional support from this OM she's been dating for past 2 months. She tells him that she wants him to work on his own family, does not want him to leave them for her, is willing to have a special relationship with him on the side because it helps them both. She tells him that she loves him enough to "let him go." She wants full honesty and holding nothing back in their relationship (since she knows this was part of what did us in). He comes across as being this sexually adventurous prince, who is having a tough time with his W at the moment, and is seeking a "special" relationship with my W on both an emotional and sexual level.
For goodness sakes tell the OM's W what's going on. She is NOT going to be happy your W is getting 'mind blowing' sex from her husband.
There is no way he is going to choose your W over his own. Get a back bone and deal with it. If your W wants full honesty then she needs to makes sure OM's W knows what's going on......and I bet she is not ready for that amount of honesty.
OK....things may go pear shaped for a while but at least the lying will stop and you just may have a chance at working on your M. At the moment you are just getting walked all over.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I do think you should expose their affair to the OM's wife. She has a right to know.
Oh please. Tell OM's wife. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you if you were completely in the dark? I was made a fool of for months until OW's H told. I still can't thank him enough.
Does your W have any family she can stay with until the D would be final? I think your rule of not dating while under the same roof is solid. She is obviously dating. You cannot work on anything unless your W is completely committed to fixing things with you. I know this is a 'save your marriage' website, but in the process, we have to save ourselves, huh?
No, W has no family local. I can take a stand on her moving out now, although that's contrary to some DB principals that it is better to work on things if we're still in the same house. But... it is a fast rising option. What do you guys think?
We're now a single income family, and in this economy it's very hard to go into further debt to support an apartment for her (although the thought of having it come from her "home equity" has some perverse appeal - it drains our daughter's future, but makes the realities come home for W).
A huge stumbling block for me is that if I'm brutal on the financial aspect of the separation then I put my DD5 in harms way. She will be 50% with me in a beautiful house, and 50% in a dumpy apartment by the train tracks. And I keep wondering if that's what I want for my daughter... and it's not. Which means either giving more to W then she is entitled by law, or having D live here all the time, and allowing W to spend time here and pick up daugher from here (which would be Cake eating big time).
By the way, W will certainly believe that I am a real $hit because I don't care enough about her and DD5 to separate in a way that lets W live a reasonable life (transalion, she needs to own a condo). This will feed her contention that I'm clinging to her, and am in a "tit for tat" mode -- meaning that she wants out, and therefore I am extra harsh on financial settlement.
Clarification, when I said her appartment will come out of her equity I meant that in effect this would be the source of the rent payments... You can't afford to live here on child and spousal support alone. It brings up flight risk by the way, particularly given that OM #2 and #3 are in the mid-west and NYC respectively (we're in CA).
You sound like a wonderful person, and a great father.
Hope you don't mind a 'failure' (I was divorced 2 weeks ago) trying to help you out!
I don't know what I would have done with xH if he didn't have family in town. He stayed with his dad after the initial confession. Then came back out of stubbornness ('My house too!'). Then he reasonably left 6 months later. I supposed that your wife could do the same, getting defensive and saying "YOU leave, its my house too".
I can totally understand you not wanting your daughter (or even your wife) living in bad conditions. Not to mention, by letting your wife continue to live in the house, you get to see D5 all the time. That is hard, because you know it will change if she leaves.
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Which means either giving more to W then she is entitled by law, or having D live here all the time, and allowing W to spend time here and pick up daugher from here (which would be Cake eating big time).
Kind of my situation now. H 'lives' at his dads (and probably sleeps lots of places), but watches the kids for us in my house, while I work (what used to be our married house). Our situation is tricky because of both of our work hours. But it IS hard to have him there all the time.
I suppose you have to look into the future and realize that she will get a job and can support herself. Is she looking?
It always amazes me how these people become totally unreasonable. Really, like they think that these terrible choices are just going to fall into place and they will live happily ever after. What a rude awakening they are in for.
Onward, I hope that you start having an easier time. I didnt have kids involved, but if my H chose to leave the marriage he was walking away from home as well. I didnt tell him he couldnt stay here, but if I ever caught him communicating with her, I told him that I didnt think he should sleep here tonite. Maybe it just encouraged him to be sneakier, but at least I didnt have to see it. Eventually he stopped coming home at all.
I dont know if it was the "right" thing to do, Im sure that plenty will find fault in it, but it got the lying and disrespect out of my (Our) home.
Again, Im so sorry.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
What right does your W have to disrespect you and your D in this manner? what sort of an example is she setting to your D?
I was the last to know in my sitch and I wish someone had told me a long time before. I felt not only betrayed but made a complete fool of. OM's W has a right to know......and I think she will give your W a dose of reality. As soon as I found out I managed to break the whole thing up and my H came back to me and we haven't looked back. There is no way you can expect your W to even begin to give your M a chance whilst she is emotionally invested elsewhere.
OM will give your W a dose of reality when his W finds out as he will put all his energy into preserving his M and your W will discover just how little she meant to him. At the moment she is living in a complete fantasy land and she needs to get a feel of real life. She has no impact on OM#s life and so he can fool around to his hearts content with no repercussions; your W has made that clear to him. What she says though and how she will react if it all becomes public I suspect are two completely different things; no-one likes to feel second best and be rejeted. In addition your D deserves her mother back.
I really don't know why you sitting on the fence about this one......your W is living the life of riley and making a fool out of you and lying to your D. Do you really want to live like this?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
