Puppy Dog Tails, thank you very much! Short story is that she didn't tell me anything about the EA/PA, or OM's.
I suspected EA's/PA's since early Jan when different signs came up, but nothing conclusive. I confronted her each time but she came back with denials all around. I now believe that this whole "I need to leave" drive was sparked by a PA last summer. Certainly by that point the marriage was in shambles and this spark landed in a bed of dry-brush if you know what I mean.
About a month ago she acted goofy on a Sunday morning, and I looked in her backpack that she was taking with her. I saw whipped cream, but not much else. After she left I noticed that she took her sex toys and condoms as well. I confronted her when she came back but did not talk about my evidence "where were you" type of stuff. She denied having an affair emphatically, to the point I was thinking that maybe she went for an erotic massage/release -- and I still didn't have conclusive proof. She was all bummed that "she can't be herself" while we live together. The conversation led to a discussion of us setting aside her portion of home appreciation, so she would not feel so trapped.
Two weeks ago she lost her job. I realized she was using the home computer now, so installed key logger, and have now been through her entire webmail account. It documents everything. I have conclusive proof, but have not had any discussions about it with anyone.
As to her assertions about the quality of the marriage. There is some truth to it. The sex quickly trailed off after engagement, emotional connection was strained by the 9/11 downturn, 1st kid, and W's falling out with her family. I was imature in my ability to relate to her, and she was not sharing herself or her needs. We went to therapy for 1.5 yrs and *never* discussed the real issues, just recounted the last fight. She acknoledges her role in that, but uses the 1.5yrs of therapy as a proof point that we have no hope.
My thought is that we were in love while dating (1.5 yrs), we were in love in the early marriage, certainly enough to create a young daughter (another 1.5 yrs). The last 4 have been a steady ride down hill due to life pressures and naivete on both our parts.
But... she now is getting mind-blowing-sex, and emotional support from this OM she's been dating for past 2 months. She tells him that she wants him to work on his own family, does not want him to leave them for her, is willing to have a special relationship with him on the side because it helps them both. She tells him that she loves him enough to "let him go." She wants full honesty and holding nothing back in their relationship (since she knows this was part of what did us in). He comes across as being this sexually adventurous prince, who is having a tough time with his W at the moment, and is seeking a "special" relationship with my W on both an emotional and sexual level.
