Her contention is/was that "I don't know her", and that she "can't be herself" around me. Of course that's a function of her not sharing or communicating her self and needs.
No, that's a function of her brain's all hopped up on PEAs and she's addicted to her affair, and while in this condition she CAN'T allow you to know her. She is emotionally blocked off to you, for physiological reasons. Until she ends her affair, there will be very little you can do to get thru to her as far as connecting on any meaningful emotional level.
Quote:
The guy she is seeing told her she should stay with me, and at one point said that there's hope for both marriages to reconcile -- I think that's because he has decided not to leave his family, and because he likes having sex play on the side.
Does this not tell her what kind of guy this man is??? Did she TELL you that he told her this???? If so, time for a truth dart from you to her: "I know you can't see it now, but that should tell you plenty about what his intentions are. I'll leave it at that."
Quote:
We're meeting with lawyers this coming week, and I'm coming to the conclusion that no matter what I do/what happens, I need to make it super "real" and blunt, in terms of the package W can expect.
Agreed. It's best she start dealing in some reality as soon as possible. I would also let her know that you have no intention of EVER accepting this man in her life, nor of being her "best friend" should she decide to end her marriage this way -- cutting and running.
Quote:
Again, the one barrier that I keep bumping up against is that it is almost impossible for me to see how she will miraculously decide to give it a go with me, when she's convinced that she has zero attraction or connection with me... and that it was missing from the start.
I know it seems hopeless right now, but I'd encourage you to read other threads on these boards -- hundreds of them -- and you'll see that this "we never had a connection" thing is VERY much affair "script," and she likely doesn't mean it. It's called "re-writing marital history." Did she ever complain of this earlier in your marriage, BEFORE she had an affair? Or is this a recent complaint?
Quote:
So my thought was to come across as open minded about the things that she's doing, so that we can get to know each other again then as phase 2 ask her to just work on us.
I strongly disagree. You want to come across as "open-minded" about her having an affair, and not working at her marriage? I think you'll quickly find that appeasement doesn't work. She is far more likely to respond to your STRENGTH than she is to your CONCILATION.
Can you recount for us, with as much specificity as possible, what happened when you first found out your wife was being unfaithful, and what you said and did?
