The reason why I asked you how much longer until any D might be final, if that's indeed the way this thing goes, is that if it's going to be any length of time (and it sounds like it is), then I think you're going to have to lay down (and enforce) sound boundaries, for the sake of your own dignity and self-esteem. Your wife is rubbing your nose in this, and the longer it goes on, the more it's going to eat at you.
Do NOT confront the OM. It only elevates him in importance.
I do think you should expose their affair to the OM's wife. She has a right to know.
