It is strange, although I miss H, and want to hear from him, on the other hand I don't want to hear from him. I don't want to be stuck on the rollercoaster anymore.
We finally got the notice for the trustee's meeting, on November 6, so I know I am going to have to see him at that point. I almost wish we could have separate trustees meetings so I don't have to see him at all. One part of me is really enjoying the break. The other part of me wants my old H back.
And yet my faith won't allow me to say that this is over, just in a temporary lull. My instincts tell me he is thinking about all of this, and maybe even misses me.
I have realized through all of this that the problems we had were not caused by anyone else. There were circumstances that led up to it, but the fact is we did this. We did not communicate. There are only two people to blame, and it is the two of us. I think initially I was so willing to blame everyone else because I did not want to realize that I was wrong, and he was wrong. We are good people, but just didn't know how to handle real life.
I pray that we get a second chance, but I also know that at this point, no matter what I have to move forward. I cannot relive the past, cannot live the past. Although I am still sad, and still miss him, I feel more and more strength every day to get through this. I know right now, by being dark, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is also the best thing, for the both of us.
I can't be what he wants right now, a friend who he can turn to whenever he wants without giving anything back. I have tried that, and I am too drained to concentrate on that. Being dark has given me the strength to concentrate on other areas of my life.
I realize this will probably go on for quite some time, and I wonder where I will be at the end of it. But I know that I will be okay. I realize that at this point, if H were to decide to recommit, that there would be much work to be done. But I also realize that if he does decided to file for D like he keeps threatening, I will be able to handle it with grace and poise, and continue on.
I am still figuring out who I am, but I am also coming to like this woman I have become.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
