She seems to be slightly bothered by the breaks sometimes. We will be chatting, into some heated discussion or just yacking about nothing and there will be a few moments of silence....and she will say "So that's it..nothing more to talk about....you're all done talking to me??"
Sounds like she's fishing for more. I would get one of the women to comment for you. Try a good open ended question - "is there something else you would to discuss?" IDK the DAM in me stumbles here as well.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Last night I thought that...maybe not fishing for me to say something, but more like she had something she wanted to get out.
The last time she said "we NEED to talk" I got a reminder about the sitch.
This was more of playful..."Yep...we SHOULD talk"...."but, oh, forget it".
Other times, when she mentions the breaks in conversation, it just seems like she thinks we should be able to talk for hours and hours without running out of things to say....which at times we do, and that's why I find it odd that she worries about it.
Along with the compliments come a little chop busting and good natured ribbing...something else that may have been lacking the last few months.
We seem to have reached a point where we can joke about a shortcoming one of us has or "make fun" of each other, without the other taking it personal.
My W and I are into this phase also. You have to think that the R has relaxed quite a bit in order to joke around, bust chops, and rib each other about shortcomings. I've noticed this in my R also. It's a good sign.
Sounds to me like she really enjoys talking to you. It's probably one of her love languages - along with quality time. It's filling her love bucket and she likes how it feels. Just my opinion though.
As far as the GAL'ing. I asked my W the other night about the two of us working on a Christmas list together. She agreed. You might want to pick something around the house - finances, organization, etc... and ask if she'd like to spend time with you working on it. My W and I have talked about getting a dining room table and a new couch. House stuff, things that need to get done, and working on it together. Just a thought.
Go with your guy on the feeling she wants to add something but holds herself back. She may be on the brink of telling you something good, but keeping herself from saying it for some reason or another - speculation of course. But your gut is a good compass. Whatever it is will spill out eventually. Time.
On the pauses in conversation - maybe it's her fear that you will run out of things to say to each other or revert back to when you guys may have not been talking much. Again, just a guess.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
My W and I are into this phase also. You have to think that the R has relaxed quite a bit in order to joke around, bust chops, and rib each other about shortcomings. I've noticed this in my R also. It's a good sign.
Sounds to me like she really enjoys talking to you. It's probably one of her love languages - along with quality time. It's filling her love bucket and she likes how it feels. Just my opinion though.
For the most part it is no different than what we used to do...our friends used to call us the "Honeymooners"..remember how Ralph and Alice used to go at it???...but since the bomb things were a little different. Now she will go right after me....sometimes even ribbing me about my past bad behavior...maybe her way of getting it off her chest without actually having an R talk or being too serious about it.
...and as far as the LL's....just can't really get much of a handle on that..maybe I need to read the book again. For example...touch. She loves to have her feet rubbed or a back massage but never returns it. As far as I can tell, except for the talking and time we spend together, or her making dinner and cooking something special...she does not show her love language by using her own on me.
I don't believe she is at a point where she is comfortable doing anything that may be taken as her softening towards me. I know that doesn't make sense considering our sitch, but I think she is still very aware and guarded in those actions....or still just isn't feeling it.
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You might want to pick something around the house - finances, organization, etc... and ask if she'd like to spend time with you working on it. My W and I have talked about getting a dining room table and a new couch. House stuff, things that need to get done, and working on it together. Just a thought.
That is actually my goal for the upcoming weeks. I know she wants new LF furniture and we have talked about painting...things like that. My plan is to just get started and see if she joins in.....sometimes I still go back and forth...wondering if I should "act as if" I am still leaving, or "as if I am staying"....it's been less than a month since the last reminder that I am leaving, you remember.
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Go with your guy on the feeling she wants to add something but holds herself back. She may be on the brink of telling you something good, but keeping herself from saying it for some reason or another - speculation of course. But your gut is a good compass. Whatever it is will spill out eventually. Time.
..or another reminder of the sitch..who knows? The last time she gave me the reminder we were having a good time, on our way into the bedroom to ML...so nothing would surprise me.
.............she is out with the girls tonight and I am feeling like I need some time home alone...tired and ready for a day off. She was cool and relaxed before she went out and told me if I was out and needed a ride home to call her because she was not drinking....now that would be a switch, her coming to get me. I didn't ask where she was going or tell her I was staying home.
..and as far as the LL's....just can't really get much of a handle on that..
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As far as I can tell, except for the talking and time we spend together, or her making dinner and cooking something special...she does not show her love language by using her own on me.
Here's your sign. Are you just trying to beat me out for DAM of the Year?
Captain Obvious to the rescue. Here I come to save the day! Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes..I know I need someone to pull the blinders off sometimes.
I think what I was trying to say was, other than those things I mentioned, there are not a lot of times I "feel the love".
We are still doing the same crazy stuff, and that leads to some very close, intimate times....but it is always during the party times.
During the normal every day she never seems to seek out that closeness, like she is afraid I will get the wrong idea. Why such a difference...just the alcohol?
Recently she seems more relaxed and comfortable during the everyday, so maybe it's coming....it would just be nice to have her initiate a hug, kiss or simple touch. With all we do....like I said...very guarded about showing any affection.
So her LLs are quality time, WOA and acts of service. Sounds like yours are words of affirmation and touch, yes? You are not feeling the love because you are not getting your love itch scratched. I am in the same boat with you on that. I just keep reminding myself that my W is healing and I need to be patient and consistent in my actions. Cookie told me to learn to fill up my own love buckets, I do that by self-talk about things - disputing any negative feelings that start to come up. I then realise it's not all my problem and keep working on myself and for myself. I know she loves me but my W has her own issues that are a struggle for her. Our R isn't where it needs to be but I can cope with things better.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Cookie told me to learn to fill up my own love buckets, I do that by self-talk about things - disputing any negative feelings that start to come up.
I keep trying vodka, tequila or a nice micro brew....that's not going to work?...thought maybe I had a hole in my love bucket. I keep filling it up, and the next thing you know, it's empty again.
I keep trying vodka, tequila or a nice micro brew....that's not going to work?...thought maybe I had a hole in my love bucket. I keep filling it up, and the next thing you know, it's empty again.
No that's the luv bucket you're talking about.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
...and just so you know, I WAS joking. We are actually getting that under control..slowly but surely.
I remember Cookie talking about excess in reference to getting her love bucket filled...cooking way too much food..overdoing on entertaining.
My wife just sent me a text, she spent the day home cooking..soup, mac and cheese, tomato sauce, chicken wings and guacamole....guess I will have some good leftovers for the next couple of days.
Either she is trying to fatten me up, or I need to step up my "acts of service", right??
Anyway....things seem good right now, and I feel like I am in a good place...both of us really. I am getting over wanting to hear the words from her and paying attention to her actions. She is calm and relaxed. I am hoping it stays like this, but feel better able to handle a down swing if it comes along.
