The feelings of conflict seem to have no end. He came over tonight to pick up D....I was going to a Halloween Party and was dressed rather provacatively. When he came in he raised his eyebrows and asked where I was going. I told him and asked him how I looked...he said REALLY GOOD. I was wearing red lipstick (something he always hated) so I said "I know you hate my lipstick". His response was "you know it looks good or you wouldn't wear it". My response..."you always told me you hated it". His response..."well I was stupid".
Anyway...D had some things she was in the middle of so H and I had a chat...I was flirting with him and told him it seemed like he always just wanted to get away from me. Convo went something like this:
Me: You know you want to touch me Him: It's too confusing Me: Confusing how...because you are afraid you will fall completely back in love me again. Him: That is exactly right Me: Why would that be so bad Him: Because too much has happened....I big part of me would love to just come back, but I am afraid it would go back to the way it use to be and I can't take that chance. Me: Then why are we going to counseling....should I cancel the next appointment Him: If that's what you want to do Me: I'm asking you if thats what you want to do Him: If I didn't want to go I wouldn't have said I did Me: Then what are we doing???? Him: I don't know Me: Can't you just keep an open mind Him: Probably
WTF???? It went on the same way for a few minutes. I was being very bold and told him I knew he wanted to be with me and that he still loved me. He responded with of course he cares about me and it kills him because he does want to touch me, but he's afraid.
At any rate....he left...I went to the party...felt like crap and came home. I'm tired....
