Back to life, back to reality?

[daisy282]

Hey again ITH

I think you are doing really well. You just gotta be aware at all times, something I am learning in my IC. It is really helpful but at the same time kinda exhausting.

Keep it up!

[istherehope]

Hi MC,

Thanks for visiting my thread! I always love to hear from new people :).

Yes I really do want this to be a "new" R. Issue here of course is that H says he is basically unwilling to try (although once in awhile he says he "is trying"). He hoped that things would be really good right off the bat, and seems to be frustrated that it's not that easy.

This means I need to set the tone for the new R. I am trying by reacting to things differently than I used to. I am not sure what other things I should be doing, but am definitely open to any suggestions...

Thanks,
ITH

[istherehope]

Thanks Daisy!

I will keep that advice about being 100% aware in my mind. Sometimes when things seem to be going very well, I tend to slip.

Hope you're doing well today,
ITH

[optimistwife]

Well, if you have made it through today and it was just akward- then you made it through today! Yeah. Celebrate! Yup, it sucked compared to fantasy romance, but he didn't pull the plug today. You kept it under control (even if inside you are unravelling).

I have been on many of these outings with H- because we have been intermittantly seeing eachother the whole time. But there have been plenty of times I have felt on trial. Felt fake. Thinking that this is not how I want to live, afraid that if I do one thing wrong it is over.

It may take a couple weird dates before he settles down some. before you start to feel more comfortable again. You are doing great- just by doing what you are doing.

[istherehope]

Thanks Opt,

It was maybe the worst day for me ever in terms of hanging out. He took down the picture of us that was by his side of the bed--I didn't mention this to him although I almost did. He answered everything I said with one-word responses, and in bed every time he accidentally touched me, he moved away so quickly it was ridiculous. This was the only time that he didn't grab my nose, his usual sign of affection.

This was his idea to go to Galway today, and his idea to hang out yesterday. He has been treating me like he can't stand me. I am searching really hard for positives, because this time there haven't been the actions that there usually are to dispute his words. We did not spend time together in the house at all, and in the mall he didn't talk to me at all, except a little after the movie.

I need so much strength to get through today and tomorrow. I just wish I knew what I could do to try to make things happier for him. I know that I haven't done anything pressuring or stressful. I haven't asked him how he's doing, haven't asked him to do anything, have just steered clear etc. He wants there to be more to our marriage, but to get to that point he needs to be OK with being around me...

Ugh. I am going to try and exercise this morning before our drive so that maybe I can feel a little better. I didn't really sleep at all last night...

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

ITH,

Again, your H sounds passive aggressive.. wanting to hang out with you then being cold and mean and doing things like taking the picture down!? I guess all you can do from a Db perspective is act as if.. but dont forget to validate hey, I mean, it may be frustrating for him that you are being so la-la-la when he is feeling so bad !? I dont know, its like you are ignoring the big white elephant in the room. Perhaps yuo could say, I'm sorry if you are finding this difficult, I dont mean to make it difficult for you.

Priya Kale has written another corker, for the New moon on Tuesday. Its long and really really interesting.

Here it is: http://www.priyakale.com/register/moonreport-Scorpionm1028.htm

Thats the bit you normally subscribe to, so she says if we share it with others to read, ask them to subscribe too if they enjoy her site.

Good luck with your crazy H! You are doing well, I can see its hard.
Ali xx

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for that, especially the link. It seems right on for my sitch actually (and maybe yours as well).

For what it's worth today, so far, has been really good. I need to learn though that I can't actually be sure of what's really going on with him. We drove to Galway, and listened to some eBooks on the way. We went to lunch, and enjoyed ourselves. Now we're in the hotel room, and he's napping.

I think you're right about the elephant in the room thing. I am just not sure how best to deal with it. It seems, so far, that 1 day of acting as-if gave results. Today we've had a few situations that could have been ugly, but were diffused. H got frustrated driving and trying to find the hotel, but I just called and got directions and all was well, for example. Away from Dublin, it seems as though everything is back to normal, but of course no "real" topics have come up as of yet.

I am doing 180s all over the place, not suggesting the things we do, not trying to be active every second of the day, and validating his complaints about the rain and weather. Let's see what this leads to tonight...

Thanks for checking in on me. I am going to reply to your thread now :).

ITH

[istherehope]

Update-to be honest am pretty drunk...

H in bathroom and I'm on my Blackberry. We went to dinner, had a great time, and are now back in the hotel bar, drinking champagne. It feels like normal, and H has already suggested plans for next weekend and discussed vaguely things like if "we ever moved " to x country.

Trying not to get my hopes up, but maybe a change of scenery was what we needed most...

Will still avoid R talk at ALL costs!!!

ITH

[istherehope]

So,

Again I know that things are ever-changeable, but last night, there was ML (twice). Naturally I am not going to ask about whether it meant anything, but I am hoping it meant he was feeling close to me, and not just drunk...:).

Feeling a bit hungover this morning. Hoping that last night was not just an alcohol-fueled dream! Last night was sort of like where we would have been, had the bomb not occurred, back in July. What I mean by this is that we finally discussed the trip we'd been on where H dropped the 1st bomb, but in a fun, non-bomb related way...My dad and little brothers and stepmom were on the trip, and we talked and laughed about the things they'd done etc. After dinner we walked to the water, and H held onto my arm. At drinks in the hotel lobby, we just talked about books we'd read, trips we'd been on etc. It was nice. I would have loved to talk about things we wanted to do in the future, but I didn't want to press my luck.

Also wanted to mention something that felt quite substantial yesterday. H made one of his "mean jokes" in the room (before the drunken dinner), and he was standing up. I rushed over to him, poked him, and sort of hugged him. He actually put his head down on my shoulder and seemed really into it. I pulled back though after a few seconds.

This morning H is reading, and we have joked around back and forth a bit. We're planning to go to breakfast soon, and then drive around the area. My goal is still no R talks for the day, unless he just says something very positive of his own accord :).

Anyway, will probably post later tonight, back from the house.

ITH

[Separated]

ITH so I think overall it did go well, a little bumpy in the begining but VERY well yesterday!!! He used future talk and you guys ML and joked around. I'm very happy for you!!