ITH it sounds like you have diverted the R talk very well so far. Only more more day and then you get to enjoy the drive!!
It sounds like your H is very confused about himself and what he wants. This being said I personally would not take anyting that he says personally. It seems he is so lost in his head that every few minutes what he thinks changes, ie. 'You are too controlling' then 'You are making me make the decisions and that bothers me'. Just go wih the flow!!
Thanks. I am surprised myself at how well I've done with the R talk. In the past I would panic and start saying something in response. However as I set the no R talk rule, I need to follow my own rule.
Since posting H has been IMing more, just joking about this weekend. I actually feel nervous now. I feel as though he is going to be testing the relationship based on how things go over the weekend. Strange that I am the one saying this, but I think spending 3 entire days in a row together might be a bit much. Sunday and Monday we will be in the car for 4 hours, and tomorrow we will be in the car as well. I might have liked just doing our own thing around the house for one day a little bit better, but I think the thing that I said in my email about not giving us a chance to spend time together really got to him.
I need help here though. Things are clearly not what they used to be, and the idea of going on the 4 hour trip is bizarre. I am not sure what we should talk about, how much I should talk, whether it is better to try and make conversation or sit quietly...he wants "more" than what he feels that we have, but more intimacy means bringing up really contentious topics I think. I would prefer to work on rebuilding the friendship, but seems like he wants to see whether there can be that spark there. Feeling confused on my strategy for the weekend...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So waiting for H to pick me up...he should be here any minute.
Trying to calm myself. I feel like we are going on a first date, but it's a date to the mall. I still don't know what to talk about, what to do etc. I guess my number one priority will be to act happy and serene. I need to be interesting but not decide on the things we do. Feels like pressure!
Ok please wish me luck. I am going to act "as-if" we are already a happy couple, and that H is really excited to see me.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
When me and my ex began hanging out again, we had to do a few 4 hour car trips back home.. I was nervous as a kitten at a toddlres tea party, so I understand. I put the radio on a bit and we talked about the news stories, we played CDs and talked about bands, we telked a bit about our families... we didnt talk on any personal level ! I had a few topics in mind as 'emergency' conversation in case it got difficult, but the time passed fine and I ended up enjoying it. Try think of some now in case you need them.
GOOD LUCK THIS WEEKEND !!!!
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I am hoping we can keep things this light too. I asked H to put some eBooks on his iPod so we can listen to them on tomorrow's long trip. Today the time in the car will be less, so not as sure. Also, he is going to be an hour late to get me, but he texted me to let me know. This is a 180 for me not to get annoyed or say anything to him.
Hmm emergency topics...maybe the US elections, books etc. I just want to make sure that every topic we discuss avoids anything even slightly R-focused. I think I might be the only one on the board with an H who always wants to have R talk. It seems usually it's the other way around...
Alright, he should be here any time now. Off to collect my thoughts and be calm and serene...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Something I did when my H and I started spending a bit more time together and things were really weird...
Imagine what a positive out come would be. Picture in your mind what would happen, how it would feel, what would you be doing? This really helped me. In moments of stress I would sit back, visualize things going well, and feel better.
You'll do great!. It is normal to feel on pins and needles at this point. It IS a new relationship you are starting. And it IS in the early phases- which is why it doesn't work to just move back in and pick up from being married. This finally makes sense to me- even though Jody said it to me a month ago...
Start small, don't push, enjoy your time and relax! Will be thinking of you today.
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Thanks. I am trying SO hard, and this has not been the easiest day so far.
H was an hour late, which was fine, but when he arrived he was angry about the directions I had given him. I just said "sorry if they weren't clear." Then he asked again if our situation was not inconveniencing my friend. I just said no, no worries, again.
We went to the mall, where he actually did grab my waist once when I was in Starbucks. Other than that he was pretty cold and distant. We watched a movie together, which was fun, and listened to an eLecture on the iPod on the way home. He asked me some questions about my mom and some of my friends, but has not been too talkative on anything. I am smiling, laughing whenever I get the chance, and just generally remaining pleasant and positive. However, I am having a hard time because he sounds annoyed every time I talk. I feel like I am on trial, and he doesn't want what we have now, but hasn't made any efforts to get us to another place.
I would be fine with all of this if I just knew that H was willing to make some efforts. He said on Wednesday that he is trying, but I am not sure how...
I just want us to be in a place where things are lighter and easier. I don't understand, am so confused about why it seems so painful to be around me.
OK I just needed to vent. I am going to make every attempt now to be positive. I am going to make a nice dinner, and just do my own thing for awhile.
Opt--I will try really hard to visualize that positive outcome. I need to get back to that positive place again...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
It sounds like you are doing great. It must be so hard to keep the R talks at bay when he is the one bringing them up. You are right about probably being the only one on the board with that problem. I have to stop myself from R talks not stop hubby. You are doing great though!
I think you have a good idea of what to do next too. Take some space tonight since it sounds like the two of you will be in close quarters the next day or two?
Remember not to read too much into his tone and attitude during this trip. Making assumptions about his mood or what he is thinking or feeling will only get you in trouble. I know how hard that it, believe me, I struggle all the time with battling the voices in my head saying "he's annoyed with you, you're bugging him, he doesn't want to be here with you, etc" It will only make you crazy. You have to learn to turn it off or at least turn it way way down.
You are not on trial. Please try to remember that. Even if you really feel that way try not to dwell on it because it will only make you act on trial and you will not be acting like the real you. Which your hubby will pick up on and will become suspicious of your actions and attitude. Just be careful. Don't be fake or overdo it. It's a fine line.
Again though I think you are doing great and if you keep it up I think you should start seeing some changes in your interactions with him.
I did want to ask you a question. After his comment about having not wanting to sex with you are you inclined to ML if he offered or initiated? How do you feel about all that right now?
Keep up the good work dear! Try to relax and breathe it really does do wonders!
OK trying really hard to just relax and breathe. I know you're right. It's hard because I know him really well, and when he gives one-word responses to things, it's a little painful since we used to chat so much.
I am going to stay positive though, I really am. It is a bit fake to act positive when he says things that aren't so nice like about me giving him bad directions, but I am trying to let these remarks roll off my back...
Hmm the comment about not having sex was really that he didn't enjoy it now because he didn't feel close to me right now. So, there is a chance that he will try again, but it's unlikely in the next few nights, or so I think. I actually will do it if he initiates, because I will think that this means he feels closer. I mean it would depend on the sitch, but if it felt right and not forced, then yes, I'd do it.
Thanks for checking in on me Daisy :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Something I did when my H and I started spending a bit more time together and things were really weird...
Imagine what a positive out come would be. Picture in your mind what would happen, how it would feel, what would you be doing? This really helped me. In moments of stress I would sit back, visualize things going well, and feel better.
You'll do great!. It is normal to feel on pins and needles at this point. It IS a new relationship you are starting. And it IS in the early phases- which is why it doesn't work to just move back in and pick up from being married. This finally makes sense to me- even though Jody said it to me a month ago...
Start small, don't push, enjoy your time and relax! Will be thinking of you today.
After my W and I separated briefly in April; I told her that we would have to start a "new" R. Only neither of us did, we did exactly what you warned about. We tried to pick it up the M where we left off; and it was an abysmal failure. Now, we're separated in the same house again; but I have new tools.
