Back to life, back to reality?

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

Thanks. I am trying SO hard, and this has not been the easiest day so far.

H was an hour late, which was fine, but when he arrived he was angry about the directions I had given him. I just said "sorry if they weren't clear." Then he asked again if our situation was not inconveniencing my friend. I just said no, no worries, again.

We went to the mall, where he actually did grab my waist once when I was in Starbucks. Other than that he was pretty cold and distant. We watched a movie together, which was fun, and listened to an eLecture on the iPod on the way home. He asked me some questions about my mom and some of my friends, but has not been too talkative on anything. I am smiling, laughing whenever I get the chance, and just generally remaining pleasant and positive. However, I am having a hard time because he sounds annoyed every time I talk. I feel like I am on trial, and he doesn't want what we have now, but hasn't made any efforts to get us to another place.

I would be fine with all of this if I just knew that H was willing to make some efforts. He said on Wednesday that he is trying, but I am not sure how...

I just want us to be in a place where things are lighter and easier. I don't understand, am so confused about why it seems so painful to be around me.

OK I just needed to vent. I am going to make every attempt now to be positive. I am going to make a nice dinner, and just do my own thing for awhile.

Opt--I will try really hard to visualize that positive outcome. I need to get back to that positive place again...

ITH