My new W an LBW? Meaning Left Behind Wife? I presume? No she wasnt. She left and abusive sitch of her own choice. Her XH left her on her own a lot with kids and household responsibilities. Some physical abuse finally happened so she packed it in. Dont get me wrong, he was not a monster. He stepped over a line from which there was virtually no coming back. My XW maintains a parenting R with him and it is as good as these situations get. Frankly, he is a nice guy and if a guy has made such a mistake in a marriage, I am glad to see there is a chance at redeeming himself and being a good parent and citizen in spite of a mistake like this. (I am not minimizing the impact of abuse).
So... in some sense, my new W was a WAW given that she left a marriage.... however.... it was for reasons other than betrayal/infideltiy which seems to be what we are talking about.
Having been hurt by a WAW so badly, I really had to come to grips with who I would choose to move forward with. I too thought I could only relate to someone who had been left behind. The thought malingered in my mind... "Since this woman left her husband (reason aside), is she really the commitment type?".
So I do not wish to minimize the subj of physical abuse. I suppose I wanted to be cautious not to let that overshadow other issues that my new W may have brought to the falling apart of the marriage. Can you see how sensitive of a subj this is?
I frankly believe we need to be so rigorously honest, that we are willing to ask tough questions like this. Even if there is a flagrant violation by one spouse such as abuse and/or infidelity, the abused or betrayed spouse still has issues that can make or break an R that need to be dealt with realistically. Whew! There.... I said it. I got it out.
My new marriage was a merging of an X-abused and X-betrayed. So potentially.... both of us had issues that could be overshadowed by a more severe or dramatic issue that we could potentially blame or point at that would distract us from our own issues.
In short.... here it is from my own mouth....quote by Chaz: "Even though I was betrayed, I had a part in getting the relationship to where it was. If I only ever point at my XW's betrayal, I would not have the chance to be healthy and happy in a new R".
Similarly, I cannot be naive enough to hide my new W's issues behind abuse of her X (which she doesnt) and ignore the fact that she in and of herself has issues of her own that need to be realistically dealt with in our R. I am under no circumstances saying she deserved to be abused. Thankfully she is very open and honest about the fact she too has issues of her own that need work in our R.
My suggestion if I may.... dont look for someone who has been left behind. Look for an open-minded and honest person. Someone on an honest journey. Their past is of less importance. Although, I will say I can relate to you in that I did not think I could trust anyone but a fellow Left-behind. But this proved to be incorrect in my sitch.
Be cautious not to find a comiseration-buddy. I have been trapped in this where I would be with people who had also been betrayed and we spent far too much time talking about what victims we were. This is the slippery slope of mutual-self-pity that gets us nowhere and keeps us there.
Beware of rescuers too. There are lots of people out there who want to soothe the broken-hearted betrayed ex-spouse. These are not healthy people.
Wow... I have gone on long. I hope there is something meaningful in all of this for you.
