Passive, yes. Agressive, no. He does not have the notion that his lack of interest in me is a power play for him. He just is not like that at all. And I truely do not see him using the lack of attention to me as a power play. Think Boy Scout about my H. I and many of our friends see him as a basically happy man that has an immature, childish attitude toward relationships. He is very afraid to open up for fear of rejection and being hurt. I still think that it stems from losing his dad in a car accident when my H was ten. He is the oldest of five children. Lots of pressure for a young boy to be told after his dad died that he was now the "man of the family." That is part of it. He refuses to acknowledge that issue, too.
But back to your questions. He just does not get it at all. Intimacy in his mind is to be feared not enjoyed and I do not know if that can ever be changed with him. I am seriously considering moving out and staying with friends for several months. They are very supportive and want to help both of us out. They understand that I am the one that views our problems as a crisis and that my H thinks that it will all get better eventually. After all of these years of trying on my part it just won't get any better. Unless he really deals with what is causing the blocking of all of his emotions. I'd love to know what has caused all this in him. I doubt if I will ever find out. He thinks that our life is fine, and "we do have sex." Okay, technically he can say that we have sex, but not for nine months now and I just can't take this.
Friday night was a killer for me. He invited me to attend a social business function with him, a bunch of his co-workers and their wives and families. I can easily say that I turned a few heads by dressing nicely but not out of line. New outfit, very sharp. He paid attention to me until a certain business associate came to the event and then I was abandoned by my H to talk shop. Another business associate of his noticed that I had been abandoned and made small talk with me on and off the rest of the night. I felt like a "window dressing." I would be much better off dressed as a schlep with some poor SOB that WANTS me than this. I don't have the desire to be an attachment on someone's arm, I have too much intelligence and self respect for that. I hope that this never happens to me again, but he does keep getting those promotions. I have no idea if I have anything to do with him getting promotions but it might have some bearing.
I had hoped that this event might break the ice for us. I was wearing a new outfit that he had never seen, and his comment was "it looks fine." I was hot and I know it. I was nice, good mood, talkative, but then it all unravelled for me. My hopes were dashed along with my guts. On the car ride back home he complained about how tired he was and just wanted to go to sleep. I knew that I did not stand a chance in hell in evoking desire in him, so we put on our pajamas, he went to bed and I came downstairs and cried for hours.
Saturday I spent all day with my friends. We discussed at length about me moving in with them for awhile until I could find a place of my own. I know that I need to look after myself but I worry about my H. I believe that he will withdraw further in his shell. But I could be wrong.
I have been in abusive relationships before, both mental and horrible physical abuse, so I know the patterns and signs. This situation is not that way, even have asked my friends if they see abuse. They see what I have described to you before, a very passive man that has a very childlike and immature attitude toward relationships. Lots of computer geeks are like this. Some aren't but most are.(Sorry if I am making a generalization, but I know lots of you guys)
Today I broke down and filled my antidepressant prescription. I have been trying to avoid doing that for about two weeks, but I just can't deal any longer, and I am drinking way too much. Clinical depression is a bitch. So I will see how this stuff works and cut back on the booze.
