I don't see fairness as a possible outcome because both of us are taking a 50% cut in lifestyle. Because the kids have to move again. Because the kids are yanked between 2 parents. Because she and I committed to buying a house together, then she kicked me out, and now we are forced to sell when the market has gone down, and we will lose more than a year of my salary on the exchange. Because we spent tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers. everybody loses, except the attorneys.
How about if I blow up your house, and then of the 2 toothpicks that remain, I give one to you, and one to your husband? That would be "fair" but it woouldn't really be fair at all. That's what I feel like is happening, just on the material stuff.
How about if I blow up your house, and then of the 2 toothpicks that remain, I give one to you, and one to your husband?
What a way to finish it though.
S%^& happens and yes everyone loses ESPECIALLY the kids but it still can be fair and equitable between you two and that minimises loses for the kids. They get equal share of parents at least that way.
You guys seem to use lawyers very quickly and they are so costly. I had initial consultation with lawyer when I first separated. As did H. All new territory for us. We have 10 residential properties , 2 commercial buildings and 3 businesses between us.
Both lawyers contacted each other, both recommended that we have all assets valued, agree on the split. Try to work together and sell minimum assets in this economic climate. Come back if problems doing that, otherwise we will see you in the final sign off . Here are 6 MC sessions with whomever. Cost $100 for me, couple of hundred for H. Of course if we couldn't agree it would get costly but most people can work out the difference between the financial and emotional drain using lawyers to force an agreement surely. You just have to be fair.
In your case its a little difficult to do that with someone you cant communicate with I suppose.
They say it takes a man only 2 years to return to the same financial position he was in pre divorce and a woman at least 10 years. Hopefully soon you will be in a position to ease the kids loses. You could support extra cirriculun activites etc, or at least some of the things they have to give up for a while over and above child support.
You guys seem to use lawyers very quickly and they are so costly.
Yes, the divorce laws are written by attorneys. They make it very complicated, with lots of legal filings and maneuverings, so it is really unwise to try to do it on your own. As a result you have to get an attorney, and it is going to cost thousands, even if it is a simple case.
The divorce attorneys of course have no incentive to settle amicably or quickly. So they paint the opposing party as a criminal, and when people are at their wits' end, they are more than happy to lean on the "friendly" attorney.
It is disgusting.
These attorneys are taking money out of my kids' pockets.
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They say it takes a man only 2 years to return to the same financial position he was in pre divorce and a woman at least 10 years.
I've heard this too, but it won't happen in our case. Concurrent with the divorce we had a couple of real estate sales where we lost money. A lot of money. Now normally, if we were not in a hurry to get divorced, we wouldn't have had to sell the house and take the loss. We could just hold onto it, and wait for the real estate market to recover in a year, 2 years, whatever. But no. We need to be divorced right now.
The loss is more money than I could save in 2 years. So I am without a home of my own and without a large chunk of money, and my income has been cut in half. I am guessing it will take me 10 years to get back. If ever.
Well they say " money cant buy you love " and aint that true.
Hmmmm I am dbing very well. I am not sure yet if it is in the best interest of my M. Although H seems happy and more relaxed but other than the incident 3 days ago - nothing. I leave the calling up to him and today for instance he called once. Work related and necessary. I was unable to chit chat as I was dealing with customers, so I cut him short and I never got a chance to call back.
It is Friday night right now and we have a long weekend. Most friends have taken the oppotunity to get away on short break. Not my H. S20 complained that he was not seeing enough of his dad. My H response ' well come help me paint' S20 not impressed. He wanted to play golf etc.
Did I ever mention that H was a work alcoholic and to me this was the cause of my emotional withdrawal from him. He always promised me more time soon. Soon never came. I waited 15 years that I can recall being unhappy. All I wanted was him.
Tonight I have to consider if 'I am flogging a dead horse '
Would he ever change ?
How do I help my son. I don't want to see him become more and more removed from his dad. At least when he was at home he had nights with him. Now he does not and his father cant hear his cry for help, just like he never heard mine.
Did I ever mention that H was a work alcoholic and to me this was the cause of my emotional withdrawal from him. He always promised me more time soon. Soon never came. I waited 15 years that I can recall being unhappy. All I wanted was him.
no you never mentioned it. Too bad that you waited. Did you go out without him? Have fun without him? Anyway, that's what youshould be doing now.
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Hmmmm I am dbing very well. I am not sure yet if it is in the best interest of my M. Although H seems happy and more relaxed but other than the incident 3 days ago - nothing. I leave the calling up to him and today for instance he called once.
You're doing fine. you want it all to happen quickly, but it takes time. be patient. you just made love with your husband, that's positive. hang onto that for a while.
I have been out of the house, separated, for a year. My wife last touched me over 10 months ago. (it was a kiss on Christmas) These things take time.
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Tonight I have to consider if 'I am flogging a dead horse '
Would he ever change ?
you won't know unless you wait. Can you wait another day?
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Feeling a little frustrated this morning. I was to attend a 21st last night with S20 but I was too tired. Tonight is a very important rugby game on with a team H knows I love. I was hoping to get asked but silent. i know I could go on my own but it seems a little odd for woman to go on own.
Lots of my friends are married and you dont like to get caught up wth there lives. Soooo I feel kind of alone.
I get annoyed at the passing of time , in that I think it is a waste. We are losing family time and oppotunities. Peees me off.
But yes I can do another day. Might be tough today. Why is it that some days are easier than others ?
I'm ok. I know what you mean about feeling strange going by yourself. I had that very strongly for a while, almost like I was embarassed to be out alone. Like I was going out (I can only imagine this) with only one leg. You know? Self-conscious.
But that feeling has been dissipating lately. I go to movies by myself. I go to dinner myself. I miss companionship but I am not embarassed any more. I did my best to keep the family together. I tried. It's not together now. Ok, I can deal with that.
I think it is a waste. We are losing family time and oppotunities. Peees me off. Yes, that's why you need a new life! Don't waste time. Use it. Did you ever have this wish that you had time to read some old classic books? Or maybe you always wanted to try your hand at making pottery. Or you want to learn to draw? Or play the harmonica? Belly dancing? There's opportunity right in front of you.
Why is it that some days are easier than others ? I don't know but I have some ideas of what makes a hard day. The day AFTER I had my kids all weekend - is a hard day. The day AFTER I see friends or have a really good day, is harder. The comparison is hard.
I had some friends visit for a few days. The empty house after they left was quite a contrast. It was hard then.
It's also harder for me when I don't sleep enough, or if I do not exercise, or have enough fun. what about you, notice any patterns?
Might look at patterns . If I were to hazzard a guess , I would say after a good day, which is followed by a bad day, I get frustrated. Recently they have been more like periods of time. Sometimes i can pin a reason to a bad time and others not.
Tonight i am so P#$$%ed off. It is Saturday night and i am home alone. H is not answering my calls or texts which frustrates the hell out of me. It feels like he is trying to prove something or tell me something ......'like I am single and i dont answer to you.' My question to him was tax related and I needed an answer. Now i cannot finish a return .
Its ridiculous that i am home alone on a Saturday night. All offspring are out at parties or nightclubbing and none are coming home. We dreamed of evenings like this and here they are and I am all alone.
I wish i had the guts to pursue divorce and all that , that means.
I was angry before like this and you said swap all the me and i for H in my venting. That was eye opening and I felt for him , BUT How long do I keep being vulnerable and nice and available when I see nearly nothing in return. You could be right, i need to see a C. I have been putting this off for fear that i turn away from the M in order to heal myself. Maybe its all to late. I want to swear my head off.
I think i need some new rules which are particular for me.
1. NEVER EVER CALL HIM , EVEN IN EMERGENCY. 2. GO BACK TO TAKING FIRM STAND WHEN I DON'T AGREE INSTEAD OF BEING AGREEABLE. 3. HAVE IPOD FIRMLY IN EAR SO NOT TO ENGAGE IN ANY CONVERSTATION AT ALL. 4.KIDS ARE SICK OF HIM AND CALLING HIM OUT NOW ON HIS NEGLECT. I WILL NOT GET INVOLVED AND INSTEAD OF DEFENDING him I will ACKNOWLEDGE HIS SHORTCOMINGS WITH THEM. 5.BEGIN TO HATE HIM .
I may be impatient but patience feels like i am getting nowhere. I will take a passive aggressive position now.
Hi Max, I hope this is not breaking any kind of divorce busting board ediquette rules here, but I would like to send a quote from a man to another lady on the board here who has a WAS and is having much difficult detaching. He confirmed what I have always said about the nature of men:
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My feelings are that when a guy has walked away, especially for someone else, that this is about as unattractive as it can get. Yuck! Chasing and pursuing to a guy that wants out just looks pitiful. Sure, he'll give you a pity hug, but that's about it. Want him to want back in? Show him someone that he can't have. Show him someone that he'd be crazy not to chase.
You see it every day in real life. You see it on this very board from the guys that have been kicked to the curb. They fight and claw to get their spouse back. Do you think that these same guys didn't think before the bomb that the marriage sucked? Maybe even at some point wanted out themselves? They didn't say to themselves, "this marriage sucks!" and consider leaving? Not every single one of the guys on this board were just awesome husbands that thought they were in great marriages. The bomb itself had a lot of us guys scrabbling to restore the marriage. Your husband needs a little bomb. He needs to see you attractive, happy, confident, and OMG moving on. You don't have to reassure him that you will be there waiting for him. It's not what he wants. Us guys are not women....we don't respond to what you would respond to. Give him something to chase a bit and quit being so needy.
I just thought maybe that would help you as you are setting goals for yourself. I hope so.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
