AchingMan, I have very little tolerance for people who use the "it's just who I am" excuse to get out of solving their problems. I have always felt that way, have always been the kind of person who was willing to admit to a problem, especially when I saw that my actions might be hurting someone else. My father is an alcoholic, he hasn't drank in years but during the years he did drink life at our house was chaotic. My mother was one of those people who took no constructive steps to solve the problem. She was completely stagnant and unwilling to see what his problems were doing to her children. I can remember at 5 and 6 years old feeling a sense of frustration over the fact that this adult woman could not see how she contributed to the problem. Today she will tell you that she just isn't the kind of person to deal with those things. HUH? How can you not be the kind of person who deals with the problems in your life? How can you sit back, aware that who you are is hurtful to people who love you and not feel any motivation to change? It is people like that who destroy marriages and create vicious cycles of endless destruction. To me it is cowardice and self-centeredness and unacceptable.
No one can improve a relationship on their own. At some point the other person has to be willing to become a participant in solving the problems also. I think the only way that will happen is if the other person feels that what they are about to loose is worth fighting for even if it means admitting to some problems of their own. I've had to live with the fact that no matter how hard I tried or how willing I was to change some things about myself, in the long run my ex didn't feel I was worth it. I don't come to this forum often because of my history. I see so many people here struggle to change themselves, to make some kind of positive change in their marriage and all for nothing. Sexual dysfunction in a marriage is a killer and I see evidence that very few of these low drive spouses are willing to compromise. It just seems to me that, no matter what the gender, when you start trying to get someone to admit they aren't functioning properly in that manner that you are treading on dangerous territory and very few are willing to even go there.
My feelings about myself and my sexuality are self-imposed. It's a defense mechanism I have used to keep my heart safe. I fully realize this. It would be easy to blame my ex for the way I feel now but it isn't his fault. It's a choice I have made. I am an attractive woman. I'm not over weight, have a bright smile and a twinkle in my eye. I have all the things men are drawn to BUT I run for cover when it comes to actually letting someone in. Being a sexy, sensual woman means putting my heart in the game. I haven't learned yet how to do that without risking another heartache. I am in therapy, am trying to learn that loving and being loved doesn't mean giving away who I am or how I feel about myself to the other person. I will heal eventually and when I do, no one will ever take from me again the things I gave to my ex.
Being single I have learned something disturbing. There are some very shallow men in the world. There are men who equate a woman's value with the size of her hips or the lack of wringles on her face. It's like looking for a needle in a hay stack trying to find one with some integrity and self-esteem of his own.
Your response to my post was very sweet and sincere. I sit and scratch my head wondering why a wife would not want sex with a man who can be so open and sincere. Heck, I wanted sex with my ex and he is an emotional neanderthal. He runs from his own problems and especially the problems of other people. Life is a mystery to me.
Johhana, why did my ex leave? I believe he left because staying would have meant becoming a part of fixing the problems in the marriage. He was purfectly happy in the marriage as long as I was the one in therapy and on medications. In his mind, if I would only fix myself then all would be right. For 13 years I tried to communicate my pain to him. I read books on communication, beat myself up because I couldn't be happy with all the "perfect" things he did. Two days before he left he rejected me again. He stepped over my naked body and left me laying in front of a fire in the fireplace and went to bed. We had not had sex in nearly 3 months and that night I pulled out all the stops to try and create a playful atmosphere. He looked at me as if I were about to beat him. The next moring he tried to have sex with me. After sending me the message the night before that he would rather do anything than have sex with me, after showing me that his sleep meant more to him that having sex with me he tried to have sex with me. Normally I would have gone along with it. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I couldn't stand his touch that morning or the way I felt inside about myself any longer. Two days later he arrogantly ask me what I was so upset about "this time." When I told him it was the rejection he rolled his eyes at me and said, "not that again." He acted as if I were disgusting, as if I were a freak for being hurt. I started screaming. It was like I was screaming for me life. I told him he was killing, that he was destroying me. He picked up his car keys and left and never came back. That was nearly 5 years ago. Do I wish I had my husband back. Sure, a husband who loved me, desired me, knew that even though he didn't "understand what the big deal was about sex" that is was important to me.
I have learned that all that work I did, all the difference to his feelings and his needs were for nothing because when it came time for him to show some consideration for me he expressly showed me what I was worth to him. Nothing. That is what I fear when I read this forum. It's a fear based on my own experience and probably taints the way I look at things but I see so many people working so hard and I fear they will one day have to live with the same thing I have had to live with...that their spouse will not ever feel they are worth solving the problem.
The psychological aspect of it all is harder to deal with. Even if his problems were hormone induced he probably wourldn't be willing to use mediation to fix it. It's the psychological aspect that really causes a mental block. I see it as being a very positive thing that your ex will even go to therapy. Mine went once and walked out during the session. In no way could he ever admit to being a negative influence in the marriage in anyway. He was Mr. Perfect and if he couldn't play that role then he was gone. Your husband at least seems willing to admit to a problem. Now, the challenge is getting him to a place where he can untangle the mental mess that is causing the problem.
I'm glad your therapist has referred you to someone who specializes in sexual dysfunction. I do hate that word...dysfunction. Think about it DYSFUNCTION. If someone were telling you that you weren't functioning properly in that area you would probably feel highly offended. I like sexual "difference." Your husband is not dysfunctional, his appetite is just different from yours. When you are dealing with someone who is having a psychological block when it comes to problems I think you have to be very careful how you phrase things. Words can be a great motivator don't you think?
I question some of the DB tactics. I do like the idea of solving problems from a solution based aspect though. Most people might say that to solve a problem like your husband has one would have to delve into all the mental stuff that is keeping him from having a "normal" sex drive. I'm not sure that is so, I'm not sure that wouldn't only make the problems worse. The past is the past, no amount of rehashing why he feels the way he feels is actually going to change the way he feels.
I haven't read all your posts so this question may sound ignorant but I am wondering....he knows that you need more frequency. You, no doubt have expressed that to him. There has probably been hours and hours of communication about the subject. Has there been any action taken though. Have you gone to him and told him that you need sex X number of times a week and need him to be willing to give you that? Maybe it is something as simple as marking the calender, planning for sex on certain days and then just doing it.
Have you ever been thrown into doing a task that you weren't all the happy about having to do? Life puts us in situations at times where we are faced with having to do things we don't really think we want to do but once we get started and get into the habit of it we find that it really is quite enjoyable.
Somewhere down the line your husband was taught that sex was uncomfortable. He shies away from an extremely enjoyable activity because of some false belief that he adopted earlier in life. It sounds to me, from reading your posts that he has a fear the emotions that come along with physical intimacy. Sometimes we have to face our fears by jumping in with both feet and experiencing the thing we fear the most. If you could get him to the point of being willing to participate for your sake you might...in time be able to show him that it is a safe activity.
My big thing with my ex was that I wanted to be wanted. I stubbornly refused to ask for it because I wanted him to ask, to show desire for me. We can't show desire for something we don't desire and my ex had very little desire for sex. It really wasn't about me but about sex in general. I think my stubborness and unwillingness to ask for it only made the problems worse. If he were here today you can bet I would say to him, "Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday afternoon I want sex." I would ask for the opportunity to show my husband....3 times a week that sex was nothing to fear but something to enjoy. I would do everything differently than I did before.
I do know what you are experiencing and I do sympathize. I tried with my heart and my head to fix the problems but I can look back now and see where I made some huge mistakes. You need to stay willing to keep an open mind when it comes to different things you might could do to help him solve his problem. That being said continue to take care of yourself and please continue to have compassion for a man who is not able to experience the most enjoyable thing a couple can experience. Cathy~
