Things stayed okay last night and this morning. When I got home from work she left to go workout and I played with the kids. Then we put the kids to bed together again and that was very nice, we even touched some more again. She is still being friendly. Then I went to a neighbors house to watch some of the hockey game.
When I got home she was still awake and we sat on the couch together and talked a bit(don't worry, not about R) and watched TV. She leaned on me while we sat side by side and I rubbed her neck, shoulders, and back for her. Ever since this started so many months ago she gets stress neck pain and headaches. She even put her head on my lap and we hugged. Then we said good night and she went off the the guest room and I went to our room. To clarify the guest room is over an addition that is not connected to the other part of the house. So when she goes over there it is like a hotel room and we cannot hear each other. She made a comment again about how uncomfortable the bed is and it really took her time going over there.
Then this morning, I woke her up when I left for the gym and she was still friendly and nice.
So today I feel good but anxious because she will probably go out tonight with her new friends I don't know and that always makes me sad. She has gone out more in the last two months than our entire realtionship. I am thankful that she has never drank alcohol and never will at least. But the reality is that things are looking better today than two days ago and I will keep up the PMA and try not to get caught up in her swings.
Now I have two questions and I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I know what to do when things are bad, but how do I handle when things are getting better. Specifically,
1. What do I do if she wants to come back to our room?
I told myself when this started that I wouldn't let her back unless she could tell me at the very least that she was willing to try to work on us. No guarantees but at least try. But, this was before I really thought it was a MLC.
2. What do I do if she wants to have sex?
My first instinct was to have at it(guy talking). But part of me also thinks it could confuse things. She often would use sex during any arguments to gauge where I was and control the situation. She knew if I turned her down she wasn't winning so to speak. But I am worried that if she reaches out in that way, turning her down could be a set back.
Again, I know I may be getting ahead of myself but I want to be mentally prepared over the weekend for these possibilities.
Thanks for the advice everyone.
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
I am so anxious and scared to go home today. Not sure what the mood will be and if she will be going out tonight. Trying not to get my hopes up, but that is much easier said than done. I keep hoping inside that she will stay in tonight and not feel the need to be away from me.
I am going to expect the worst and hope for the best. I keep telling myself, "Take it easy, play it cool, let her go" over and over.
Helps a little but not alot.
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
BSC! #1, you gotta relax. The tension you carry (I am so anxious and scared to go home today.) is not invisible. you have to not pretend to be relaxed. Really relax. She will respond to you if you are much more relaxed. No pretending!
#2. if she wants to come back to the room, that is her initiating a move back toward you. Something I don't get: why would she want to come back if NOT to work on you together? Or are you saying, if she comes back you have some specific requests - like she needs to agree to counseling and x and y and z?
If it were me I wouldn't put the bar up too high. if she came back to the room, I would take it as a big positive step. Then the next morning I might ask (gently gently) - "how'd you sleep? I'm glad you're here."
Then maybe after a few days of "how'd you sleep", if there is an opening you might broach the subject of going back to counselign. but I am way ahead of myself because I don't even know if that is your issue or concern.
bottom line it would be a strong positive step, something very hard for her to do, - coming back to the bedroom I mean - and I would want to recognize and support that.
Thanks for he advice. Actuall between the time I wrote the post and the time I got home I was able to relax. When I did get home she was in a little bit of a distant mood but still better than the last few weeks. She did end up going out with some of the girlfriends I know. She told me she wouldn't be out late and where she was going, which is a change. But...here is the big change:
When she got home(later than she had planned of course), she made a point to come up to my bedroom and let me know she was home safe, and told me a little bit about her night. She made a point to let me know why she was so late.
Then this morning she told me all about her night and how much fun she had with her girlfriends and was really open about it. This is a big change because mostly she has been just saying nothing about her night. So after she worked out this morning she came home and was very nice still and even pranced around naked in front of me a little bit after her shower. I still am staying grounded, but it seems there are tiny tiny steps each day in the right direction.
As for your question about her coming back to the bedroom. I don't want to put specific requests on her when she comes back. I want her there more than anything. I just didn't know if maybe I should. I do believe that she probably wont come back unless she thinks she wants to try for us, because one of the things she was very aware of when we were going to MC, was that she didn't want to give me false hope.
So today I am still flying high. Tonight we are having a birthday dinner at her moms house and tomorrow we are having a kids halloween party at our house so that should keep us busy.
Thanks again for the positive feedback.
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
W met me for lunch with the kids and one her friends. She is still being nice and friendly. She asked me if I am going out tonight and I told her maybe. I have an offer to go out with one of our neighbors but I am pretty tired and the truth is that I don't want to. But I don't know if I am pushing my luck being home with her together, and I don't want her to go out again. I thought about asking her if we could spend the night in together, but things are getting better in baby steps and I don't want her to think I am rushing into things.
Does anyone think that I should ask her that? or should I just suck it up and go out for a little while, even if not for a long night? I hate feeling like I need to play games. The old me would stay home and want to be with her. I know I am asking WAY to much but it would be great if she would ask me to stay home with her.
Any advice would be great. thank you
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
You chill out. You are "flying high" but that is why they call it a rollercoaster. Chill out. Settle down. This will reverse itself. I don't mean to beat you down, but these things take a long time. This is likely not the peak to end it all. It will go back down. you will have more difficult moments, tough days. Just be patient. Enjoy it while it lasts, and know that it will oscillate. They often get afraid and pull away after some time of closeness.
No you should NOT stay home. you should go out and enjoy yourself and if you want to stay home, you especially should go out. Not to "get her" but to enjoy yourself. You need to enjoy yourself without her.
And NO, do not ask her into the bed. Do not ask for a back run. Do not push. You aren't needy. You're the man - solid and unwavering.
Just smile and be patient and solid, while she goes through her drama. That's what she wants.
Since I got your reply this morning, this is how yesterday went. I told her when we had lunch yesterday that I would like to take a nap when I got home, and she said she would be napping already when I got home. To my suprise, she was napping in our bed when I got home. She had never done that since moving to the guest room. So I layed down next to her and we napped for a while, when she woke up we talked an cuddled and hugged and when she initiated sex, I went with it. It was all really nice.
Then we woke the kids up and went to her moms for dinner and had a really nice time. So she is still in the up of her ups and downs. Then even though I wanted to stay home, I went out for a while, and managed to have fun. When I got home she was sleeping on the couch. We talked for a minute and then we went to bed as usual in our separate rooms.
I'm, glad I went out and having sex and laying close was great. But I hear you loud and clear about how it will reverse itself. I will stay strong and solid and unwaivering as you say.
Today is the halloween party for the kids and it should be a good day.
Married 10/12/2002 Me 35 Ring On Her 29 Ring Off D 4 S 2 Don't know if I am in love with you 10/7/08 Kinda Separated 10/7/08 EA/OM 6/6/08
my current thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1623276&page=1&fpart=4
ok, now just keep that smile and be strong within. The storm will come. I'm not being negative, just realistic. if you are prepared for it, it won't bother you a bit.
She'll test you with her moods. (unconsciously) Can you pass the test?
Sorry your going through this. Your sitch and mine are so similar its down right spooky. My wife is 29 as well, I also have a d4 and a s2. My thread is - ok its time to post. This sucks big time. I'll be in touch again soon. Hang in there man.
