"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The more you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."
(So true I did this right away barely 1 month into this mess.)
You also have some investigative work to do. No I dont mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you cant approach your spouse with any information you discover you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have things planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Dont tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
another thread! Good tips from DB. I liked that book better than divorce remedy. How did it go see H yesterday. Did the visit go well? Is he still being friendly?
I know exactly what needs the OW is fulfilling for my H. Both emotional and sexual. She is spending 100% of her time treating him like a king and just focusing on him, while I am here running our D around, bills, dog etc but I am making more time for myself.
H has not called D15 since Wed she told him she did not want to hear from him. I have not heard from him either, so we are officially detached. What will he miss this weekend - D refereeing, spaghetti dinner (that he was supposed to go to) for soccer benefit, taking her to religious school and her soccer game on Sunday. What will he do? Play golf tomorrow, drink himself blind with OW, be depressed by not contacting D. Pressure on.
Also T2L, I think I have a way to semi-expose A at work. We receive these yearly e-mails from corporate where we have to sign a "conflict of interest" agreement. It includes business gift, proprietary information and the best one "prohibit personal or romantic relations with a supervisory position employee". Well guess who had to send the e-mail out to all our employees? little ole me. So I send an e-mail saying please read this conflict of interest carefully and sign only if you are not in conflict with any of the policies listed below... and this is what I list first . inappropriate relationships with supervisory employees. So I send it to everyone tee-hee. Now they will be freaking out because by signing it they are breaking company policy.
So my thought is printing that one page, highlighting the sentence that abour relations -- taping it outside the office door where she works and just putting her initials on top. So when the other 7/8 employees that work in there will see it on the door on Monday. They can either think it is a joke or make them wonder about what is going on. H will never think I would post that because he knows I don't want him to get fired, but I keep mentioning that other people are watching them. Any thoughts. OW will freak out.
My SIL called today and talked to D and she is furious with her brother. She cannot believe that H did this and she will rip him about D. She is so upset that her niece is having such a terrible time. H has not called her for a month where he used to call her almost weekly. I am sure more to follow on this!
Went to yoga today and took walk on beach with neighbor which was nice for a change. D has friends over and they are having a great time laughing in her room.
Hope all else is well.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I say go for it. Exposure or questioning is great! Break the bubble! I'd do it bright Monday morning so the momentum is still forward moving.
I'm glad you went to yoga and walked, so super important once something hard happens. Way to go.
Just hang back for a bit, let things play out for a bit.
Enjoy the weekend as best you can, and get the focus off H for the weekend. Try and concentrate on you. Keep reading the other book too. There are nuggets of gold in there.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Hey you, how did the visit go with H. Still friendly and upbeat?
Never mind posting it early Monday morning, I am posting it sunday on the way home from game! They get in there bright and early and they could talk about it over their Monday coffee.
Not focusing on H this weekend. My work is done! Got some things lined up (unfortunately one is to buy new tires) which I hate to waste money on. What are your plans for the weekend?
key word today: perserverance
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Visit went good. He came in and hugged the kids then came and hugged me-DD17 noticed it too.
So he cheated on the OW w/me again(sorry for the TMI). Still aware that it can go either way, I have hope but no expectations, he's still in and out of fog.
He showered here and left his toothbrush. I tried to give it back and he said I'll just leave it here I have more. We have a nice time dinner with the kids and visiting. He left about 10PM with an hour drive. I asked him when he left when is he coming back, and he responds you mean you want a liar and cheater back? I say no I meant to visit. I wish I had said of course as long as there is no contact with OW. But there is always next time. My tentative Plan B(per the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley) will go into effect Nov 14 or 15th which ever works out best. Probably the 15th. I am a little nervous about the cutting him off part but understand the necessity. It's been nice having what used to be my H around. I know that either way, I'm going to be ok. I know I can do Plan B because I cut him off before. So we will see him tomorrow for a bit at sons game and then he is coming over on Sunday for the afternoon.
Anyways, just staying focused. I look at it this way and for all of us daily. We know our target. Never take your eyes off the target, must have patience and perseverance. Need a steady hand and good vision to be able to nail the target. A marksmen doesn't become good without lots of practice and extreme focus under immense pressure. Shooting to win does not happen with sloppy aim, lack of focus on target, lack patience, lack strength and patience under pressure. Remember everyday is practice. shoot to win, the target is H but the target is your self too.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Hey you. twice...now I am jealous! lol. this is becoming a pattern. You are right about Plan B -- you have to cut it off somewhere because what will happen is that he will be cake eating both places. Maybe you won't have to resort to Plan B. It almost sounds like he is thinking of coming home. I am sure the fog still hits but he is sounds interested in coming back.
Your right about the target. stay focused...and buy the stealth phone we talked about for $179...lol... I will send you the link.
The only thing I am worried about is if you fully reconcile, does that mean you are off the board.... ;-)
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Never be off the board, I have friends for life here, and IF thats a big IF, I will still come on here because I have found friends who understand me and know what I am going through in the hardest time of my life. We'll see what happens, I still have NO EXPECTATIONS, hope yes. Not yet at least.
I hope your still gonna think about taking the Irish dancing! You gotta go do it! Sounds so incredibly fun!
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Good morning, dropped D off to referee all day then we go to spaghetti dinner. Have to get those darn tires. My best friend from CT works at unilever and sent me a box of products that they sell for face, body wash everything. Cheered me up. Can't wait to use them. That is why she has been my BF since high school! Beautiful day here.
I am considering the Irish dancing again. I was going to make the call on Wed then my friend called to tell me she was sick and everything went downhill after that. Also thinking about checking out "divorce cares". It is a support group for seperated/divorced people that C suggested. I initially did not want any part of it because I am standing for my M but I guess they talk about reconciling issues etc. Jgrind is supposed to go on Sunday so she will get some information about it and let me know. I thought maybe it would be a good way to meet some people outside of work. take care. Hope you have a great day
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I hope you both had a good weekend. Hope, I was thinking about what you said about your weekends being solitary, versus mine being around H and kids all weekend. There are so many times when I would love for two seconds without H around, just to breathe a little easier. However, I understand where you are coming from, too. When we were first separated and H had his own place I absolutely hated the solitude. I think for you the dance class will be a great way to GAL for yourself and meet others, get out of solitude mode. I hope that works out for you.
I am also a stander, and have gone back and forth about divorce cares groups. I long for a forum to discuss with people in person what I am going through, but I don't want to seem like I am breaking my promise. I'm torn with that one.
T2L, I'm so glad you started this post with that quote, and in color. I really needed to see it in color and let it sink in! I have been successful in not snooping for the past week, and I feel good about that. I did come close today, but resisted. I feel like each time I can resist and move on I am showing more faith in God's plan for me and trusting Him to fight this battle with H. It sounds like you did great DB'ing yesterday. I think it's good that you didn't bring up the OW in your response to H's comment about coming home. There will be time for that conversation. You kept it positive and lighthearted. That was really good. (PS, wasn't the Charlyne Cares email great today? It reminded me of the prayer you shared with us)
I also liked your target analogy. H is here for two more months before deployment and I want to plant as many positive seeds as I can. But, it is hard when I see him emailing on his phone today and wonder who he's talking to. I didn't mention it and kept on walking. I think I did a good job this weekend, and I feel like he was constantly taking my temperature. He was over with us all day both days. Yesterday, he asked me to sit down and chat with me. "Nothing bad," he says, just want to see how you are doing. So, I set my mind that this will NOT be a R discussion! I ask him about a big work project that will be presented next week and then chat about the kids. He asks "are you ok, you're doing well?" Imagine a huge smile, and I respond "I'm great!" and continue talking about kids. Phew! R discussion avoided. We take kids to a movie and have a good time.
Today he talks about the horrible stomach trouble he's having (wonder why) and how tired he's been. He makes lunch for all of us, then volunteers to take kids to park to give me some free time. I say great! I lounge and watch football, it was nice. They come home and soon after I sense a change in the force. Yesterday there were no extended bathroom breaks, no leaving the room, in short I felt like he was not emailing OW at all. Last night he called when he got back to his room after leaving the house and said he was going to sleep, so I felt like one week without seeing OW. Then, this afternoon I think she emailed. He suddenly turned off his laptop so it could "charge". Then, about an hour later he was emailing on his phone when I came downstairs, as I mentioned above. So maybe they are meeting tonight. Who knows.
Anyway, he continued to temperature take. He says why don't you take a mental health day tomorrow? I say I have lots to do tomorrow, but also don't really need one. He says do you want to run with your group Tues night? I say, you know what I won't run but I'll take you up on your offer to watch the kids and go out with friends. Thanks! He says, uh ok. Over dinner, another last attempt at R talk (where we'll be living, separately, after he returns) that I deflect by saying I am up for the challenge of finding a new town that I'll like. He says "we" should get a new computer. He was all over the place. But, I laughed, smiled, and had fun all weekend and made sure I looked good. T2L, you would have been proud! I was constantly focused on trying to show my "feminine nature" again LOL! I know OW must be a little pissed that this was the third weekend he spent entirely with us. I wonder how long she'll put up with that?
I'm glad we have a new thread! I'll talk to you gals tomorrow.
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
