I was the one with the higher drive in my marriage also. There is no longer a marriage. My ex used to tell me not to worry about his lack of drive....that it was his problem not mine. In no way could I make him understand that his problem was causing me to do without something that I had a right to expect from him. I was also made to feel as if I were choosing to be hurt and upset over the lack of sex in the marriage. I was also, for years before the divorce depressed and angry over it.
He was such an exceptional loving man in every other way that I actually bought into the idea that my attitude about "his problem" was the cause of my depression and anxiety. Right before he left the marriage he consented to having his testosterone level checked. We found out that he had virtually no levels at all. He started taking injections and for 3 weeks couldn't keep his hands off of me. It was heaven!! He stopped though, refused to take anymore and things went back to the way they were.
There was a question I never asked my husband. I think I didn't because I had bought so deeply into the idea that I was making myself sick and it really had nothing to do with his rejection. Now, if I could I would ask him this....why, if you say you love me and you see me suffering because of your lack of interest do you not do something about it? I would ask him why, if he is fully aware of the pain I was experiencing he chose to ignore it.
Johanna, your husband has problems that are causing you problems. You are being robbed of enjoyment and fulfillment that is rightfully yours. I agree that we have to be loving and compassionate but only to a certain point. I have to wonder about the counselor you are seeing. Why she isn't skilled enough to be able to help him see the damage he is doing to you. Also, more than likely, he has 2 things going on. Probably low hormones and some pretty severe psychological issues. I'm sure that even if he had the proper hormone levels he would still have a problem with intimacy. To ignore your feelings though and watch you suffer with depression is cruel and cowardly on his part. It's a conscious choice by him to allow you to carry the burden of a problem that is his and should be dealt with by him.
I lived it for years. I lived it to the point that it did damage to me that I will never get over. I am single now. I so internalized his rejection of me that I can't imagine a man seeing me naked. I look in the mirror and feel disgust at my own body. I am not a woman but an it. To survive in my marriage I had to stop thinking of myself as a woman who had normal desires and it is so ingrained in me that I'm afraid I will never experience a healthy, sexual relationship with a man. Please, don't let yourself get to that point. I NEVER tell anyone that divorce is the proper course. I especially never tell anyone that an affair is the right thing to do. I will, this time though, tell you that no marriage is worth losing yourself over. Especially not for a man who makes to choice to let his wife suffer the consequences of his own problem. Take it from me, being alone and sexless is better than being in a relationship with someone who rejects that part of you on a daily basis. Good luck to you! Cathy
