I could use some help, even if it is just to be heard. Any advice is very welcome.
Married 7 years, DD5. Bomb dropped 13 months back (ILYBNILWY). STBXW moved to guest bedroom in January. We began divorce process in May, using a "collaborative" practice. I suspected W was seeing someone throughout, but there was little proof. All along she's been indicating a strong need to see other men. However, I've insisted that she would need to move out if this was the case. She has not been willing to move out because she would not be able to afford a house (nor own an apartment). Financially I would keep most everything in a Divorce (per the law), and I do not feel like taking myself out of a house to go to a Condo, just so she can own one too.
At the end of the summer W went to the Burning Man festival. I now know that she hooked up with 3 different guys there, and has maintained flirty contact every since, and is making plans to hook up again with all of them. She is also now in a deep and intense sexual and emotional affair with one of them. This guy is married, but you never know what could happen. I'm devastated. She does not know that I know all of this.
In her mind this is not really cheating or an affair because she "dumped" me a year ago, moved to guest room in Jan, and we're hammering out a divorce agreement.
W's main complaint about our marriage is that "something was always missing", and that we did not have a very intense sex life or strong emotional connection. She also, now, acknowledges that she had a role in all of this too and that she never expressed what she really needed (instead she would complain and try to control). But... she has no interest in working on this with me. She wants to apply Imago therapy, etc. to her next relationship.
In preparation for the Divorce wife started working again (after 6 years off), but just lost her job. While I make good $, we really can't afford two households just on my salary. I have some savings, but do not want to drain that (in this market).
The current situation is just so painful. It is very hard for both of us. I'd love for W to come around, but I also hurt because we are co-living but she shows nothing towards me and is very cold. Also, she feels caged by me and by the circumstances, because "I control the purse strings", and she can not move out.
I can't decide what to do. things I've considered:
1) Ask her to leave the house because the current situation is unbearable, on the basis of her wanting to date others. She would not be able to afford much, and renting at the low-end of the market here would not be an ideal situation for our daughter.
2) Offer that I'm ok with her dating, provided there's an interest in working on us/marriage. However, if there isn't such an interest then she would need to leave.
3) Let her be and continue to hammer out the divorce agreement. Have her face the realities as they come out, and in the meantime be in this painful co-habitating situation with her cheating all along.
