"Why not focus on him, give him the option of a BJ with nothing expected in regards to your pleasure, maybe this will help jump-start him so to speak. '
I'm really going to be sarcastic on this one, sorry Patsi. Umm, Patsi, he is the LD spouse, and it has been about 9 months since our last "encounter." I will not initiate because it is like molesting a young boy. The tactic that you are proposing is not an option in this case. I really resent that the idea that a promise and/or follow thru of a BJ will improve the situation. Like a BJ will solve the problems of the world. If it were a mutually satisfying experiance, then yes, that would be fine suggestion, but I want my needs satisfied once in awhile. And I deserve that at the very least. If he were the HD spouse then that might be a viable option, but not in this case. My needs are rarely even scratched, must less satisfied. Even with attending several counseling sessions, and admitting that he has no drive AT ALL, nothing from him in the bedroom. Not a hint, not a spark or even a slight suggestion. So if I would propose this option, he would hide even deeper from me. I am not even going to go there. He is being SLIGHTLY more attentive, especially since my depression is very palpable and visible. The meds have not really kicked in yet. I really resent that I have to be the one to go on antidepressents when if he would be romantic once in awhile I could bear our relationship. But twice a year to be romantic and then on his terms is not healthy, at least not for me.
He went so far to ask me to go to a movie with him yesterday. Cute movie, but when he put his arm around me it was very awkward. Another counseling session tomorrow night. We will see how that one goes.
Corri, If I "make my own pleasure" while I am serviceing him, it makes him even more uncomforatlble so why go there. I am tired of "taking things into my own hands" as it were. I really want him to desire me, which he cannot do. But he does not know the reason why he does not desire me even though I have asked him many times. He claims that he is not depressed, will not admit that his complete avoidance of sex is not healthy to our relationship, and really cannot understand why I am so upset about this situation. I have been a very loving, compassionate, non-demanding, (most of the time) supportive and caring spouse until the past few months because I cannot do this anymore. You cannot continue to give and give without getting anything back to "recharge your batteries." My batteries are almost dead and cannot recharge right now. He tells me and the therapist that I have been an exemplary spouse and that I have not done anything wrong in this relationship. So I am bitter because I have fought long and hard for him to understand my pain and emptyness of having a celibate marriage, and it completely escapes him.
I know that we are supposed to go to extrordinary lengths to do a 180, be exceedingly supportive, loving, all of that, but there comes a point that I just can't anymore. I have really hit a wall. Hard. It is a very tall and thick wall, I just cannot see over or around it right now. Seems that many of us HD spouses try very hard to make these relationships work for many years but we get very little satisfaction (sexual or otherwise) from our efforts to be loving and loyal spouses. No wonder we think about having affairs, we are so emotionally starved we are dying in these marriages. I may have a legal marriage, but in reality, it is a business venture. The relationship works fine as long as I do not complain about the utter lack of sex, but I really have not had that emotional and sexual connection that I feel is vital for a real marriage. I would like some romance and connection once in awhile, I think that you should be able to share that with with your spouse. But with out these connections, I have a business relationship. Or a roommate, take your pick.
I know that my anger and frustration is very evident in my posts, but I resent that it is "my decision" to be angry. My spouse's lack of acknowledgement of our problems has caused me to be angry. His refusal to see me as a vibrant, attractive, sexy woman has caused me great anquish. That I have to go on medication to function is a source of anxiety. I do not agree that it is solely my decision to be angry. He has had a great part in causing me to feel this way. Will I always be angry? I hope not but I do not know what the future holds for us.
