I think what are you doing is fantastic. You seem to have found a path that works for you and your H, and that is all any of us can do. Keep your thoughts and attitude geared in that direction, remain positive and focus on the small gains you make. When darkness begins to cloud your mind or your thoughts, stop them immediately, and get busy doing something else. The more any of us focus on what's wrong and what's not working the way we wish it too, the more unhappy and depressed we become.
You sound like you've approached your H in a very loving manner. He's dealing with issues I can't speak on as I am a woman. Maybe some of the guys here can tell you what he may be feeling.
Johanna, what do you think about Patsi's suggestion on the BJ thing? Have you tried that? What has the response been? If you do this for him, does he mind if you find your own pleasure with him there with you?
From what you have said, it sounds to me that your H may also be depressed. I understand from a woman's point of view why the sticky note idea is deflating. But remember that it isn't about you...it's about your counselor trying to find something that your H can try that he can begin to feel good about...an easy victory, as it were. I think he may be feeling that no matter what he tries, it isn't going to work, it isn't going to be enough, etc. That's not a slam against you...but I think how you can quickly see the vicious circle the two of you are trapped in. (We're all there with you!!)
I think Patsi's suggestion has some real merit...and if you've tried this and it hasn't helped, perhaps you can think of something else that will give both you and your H those small victories that can begin to help you both feel successful.
I think you moving out is a power play. I understand your frustration, I understand the motive. But I really think that if you follow this course, you will do more to hurt the situation than to help it. He will change for a time because he doesn't want to lose you. It will be an immediate patch, but I don't think it's going to help you find a long-term solution.
At least he is going to counseling. I know many men who flat out refuse this option. Try to be encouraging, try to remain positive. Try to help him find his victories.
And what about you. If any of us had the answer to this one, we'd be very rich. Your anger and frustration is palpable, and most certainly understandable. But, and I'm sure this is going to piss you off when I say this as much as it pissed me off when my shrink told me this....anger is a decision. You do not have to be angry. You have the infinite power to control your actions and your reactions. Disengage yourself from the roller coaster your are on. When you change yourself, your H will have no choice but to change as well.
My heart breaks for you because your pain and hurt is very clear and very deep. But don't be a victim to it any longer. You cannot change your H, but you can change yourself. The possibilities are limitless.
