Quote: One thing my wife really enjoys is shopping. Sounds pretty typical, right? And I find shopping to be tedious and painful. Also typical.
There is nothing my wife could do to make me enjoy or desire shopping. But I will go shopping with her once in a while just because I know she likes me to come along.
Sometimes I think my wife's attitude about sex is the same as my attitude toward shopping. So what is the action-reaction here?
I'm not saying you have to love shopping, or that you ever will. The action-reaction here is your wife asks you to go shopping (action), you die a slow painful death inside (reaction). That's all there is to it.
She does x, you do y. Action/Reaction. There's no "I do this and I want her to do that, but she doesn't." That's where I'm saying you are ignoring the data. You do x, she does y. Period. If you want the outcome to be different, don't tell her she didn't react the way you wanted her to, change your action.
If you do x, and you want her to do b, but she keeps doing g, stop doing x and try something else.
If you say, "but I want her to like sex," you are setting yourself and her up for failure. Her likes and dislikes are not in your realm of control, no more that your likes and dislikes are in hers.
What if she made it her mission in life to make you love shopping? You say, "nope, I hate it, don't like it, never will." But she persists. You should love shopping because, well, she's your wife, doggone it, and you should care about this thing that is very important to her well-being and happiness. Look at the thousands upon thousands of people who go shopping every day and love it? Why can't you be more like them?
Now think of all the things you've said and done over the years(?) to convince your wife she should not only have more sex, but like it more...and she is now doing those very same things to you to get you to go shopping more and like it more.
And let's say, for arguments sake, it is socially and spiritually unacceptable for her to go shopping with anyone but you, and if she does shop with someone else, then you will be devastated (I know I'm stretching it here, but just try it).
Can you not imagine yourself dreading the sound of car keys jingling?
She has to shop, and you have to go with her because you are the only who can. And what if, after a few years of having this argument over and over again, you started to feel like a failure as a man because you didn't like shopping as much as other people seem to?
Can you take five minutes and try to imagine that?
Now, let's say in the middle of a private crying spell in the bathroom -- the one you have every so often because you just can't figure out why the hell you are such a failure as a husband and man -- you hear your wife come in. And you just know those car keys are going to start jingling any minute...
What if in the middle of all that, she completely changes her tactics?
What if, instead of shopping at the mall, you shopped in sporting goods stores? What if she tried all the different kinds of shopping there are to see if any of them would be more enjoyable for you? Can you imagine any kind of shopping that you would enjoy, or at least wouldn't mind as much? What if she became more compassionate, more encouraging...oh no, what if she gave you a BJ before each time you went shopping?
I know this is getting a bit ridiculous here, but do you see my point?
