LOL. Good analogy. The one thing I actually think that i handled well was her family. Her father showed up at the house with her the day after everything blew up and brought the cops with him so there "wouldn't be any trouble." Told me that I better have $1mil in the bank because he does and he was going to spend it to help his daughter. He would call me for a week or so after this happenened and tell me how he's been to court 30 times and never lost and how he knows how it is on the road and that guys cheat on their wives all the time. I was like huh??? Bear in mind that this comes from a guy who left his wife for another woman and then didn't have a relationship with his daughters for years. Sounds like he was speaking from experience...
"Told me that I better have $1mil in the bank because he does and he was going to spend it to help his daughter. He would call me for a week or so after this happenened and tell me how he's been to court 30 times and never lost..."
Jeez...sounds like another lawyer flexing his puny muscles. You did a great job handling that little show of "power". If he wants to spend his little fortune and risk his professional reputation, let him. You've got something that no amount of money or experience can overcome - the truth. So let that blowfish blow. In the end, no matter who ends up with more marbles, everyone loses in a D.
Keep GAL'ing, develop a sustainable PMA, and be a better person. You can't tell a fly where to fly, but you can sure lay out some tasty honey to attract!
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
The best part is that you would think he's a lawyer. He's "retired" from a totally different field. I've been nothing but nice to him. When he would call I was very polite and calm. Never lost my cool. Not even once. He also had the nerve to tell me that he might not be around much but heshows up when there's trouble. It's sad. I really like him deep down. He's always been nice to me prior to this. What's PMA now? The better person thing comes really easy when you step back and think about what's important in life.
My Dad (she has a very special bond with him) has kept in touch with her and she has responded a bit but it's bee all light and fluffy. What are your thoughts on her family's involvement?
COG gave you good advice on her family. I'll give some advice about your family (dad). This one is tough. Your family are your allies and your support structure. It's natural to let them see the 'true you', who may be depressed. It's natural to want to vent to them about how badly your W is treating you.
But on the other hand, there is a downside to this. As you note, your W has contact with your dad. She will 'see' you indirectly through your dad. So if she asks your dad how you are doing some day down the road, you want your dad to give the right DB answer: "He's a wiser, better man who is strong, etc..."
So I personally made a decision early on to DB my family as well. That means not sharing my hurt and sadness with them and projecting PMA. I chose two close work friends to share the 'real me' with... they don't normally interact with my W.
Nobody said DB'ing was easy.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
That's great advice Tech. I've actually asked my father not to make any mention of me in his emails to her. Is that okay? Also, I have not said anything negative about my wife to my parents or anybody else for that matter. I take full responsibility for my actions and full responsibility for the changes I'm making.
Yes, keeping third parties out of the fray is just fine, even recommended. So telling your dad to not mention you is very appropriate. However, in my situation, I've found that my relatives sometimes just can't help themselves and engage with the W anyway, even if I have asked them to stay out of it. So I still DB them 'just in case'.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
I take full responsibility for my actions and full responsibility for the changes I'm making.
Hey Seaglass,
I think that is awesome. I think one of the most 'adult' things we can do is accept accountability for our actions.
But my question is: Are you experiencing guilt, or even shame? Guilt is a valuable tool... it is our concience telling us to think something through. If we decide we did something wrong, then we accept accountability. But at that point, the guilt should <end>. Once you've accepted accountability, then the role of guilt is over. But so often, people continue to carry the guilt around as some kind of pennance. Guilt will erode your PMA and hamper your ability to become a better person.
Shame is an even more extream form of guilt and should always be avoided.
I've actually been reading a bunch of Eastern Philospophy lately (Buddhist teachings). They teach that you should be very 'self aware' and monitor your thoughts and feelings very closely. But when you detect a negative pattern, you should just accept it and try to stop the behavor, without guilt. Guilt does not have a place in their philosophy.
Keep your chin up.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Hey Tech, I think some of it could be guilt. That's probably what's keeping me up at night. I felt shame for a LONG time. I'd be interested in those Eastern Philosophy books. Got any titles?
I'm not an attorney but heard or read something somewhere about once you've been filed upon, then there is a period of time in which you must respond or else the court finds in favor of the petitioner via default.
So, like a team using the play clock to run the clock down as much as possible, respond to the divorce filing at the last possible, so that time is your ally.
Hey Tech, I think some of it could be guilt. That's probably what's keeping me up at night. I felt shame for a LONG time. I'd be interested in those Eastern Philosophy books. Got any titles?
I've been reading "The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron.
