I think that you missed my point about having an affair and I would like to explain myself. The affair that I have in mind is not the romantic, lovestruck idea that you might be thinking of. What I want is being able to drink in the sexual passion of another person, repeatedly, strings not attached. Being able to enjoy pleasures of the flesh with an unrestrained partner that understands the importance of passion. You may think that this type of relationship is unattainable and very shallow. Believe what you will, but that is what I want and I know that it is out there for me. A F*** Friend. Have had many of them in the past, I just want some of my physical needs met for a change. Emotion is not on the radar screen for me with this situation. I do not want emotion, I want physical, fleshly delights. That is it.
I'm tired of twice a year if I am lucky with a very inhibited H who is intimidated by a passionate woman. That is not fufilling, either. I can guarantee you that whenever I would hint that it might be a good time for a "special encounter," my H would do everything posible to avoid me that evening. He would stay up late, go to bed early, or get drunk, or find some way to ignore my suggestions. Boy, the mood was pretty much dead by the end of the evening and so were my prospects of snuggling with the hubby. I rarely pressured him for sex, but once in awhile, say every couple of months, I did. I will not initiate any more because it only makes my situation worse and I am tired of begging. I ask, he withdraws from me.
If I would tell him that I like this touch, or caress me like that, try this instead, any suggestion that I would make would be ignored, forgotten and never used again. Frustrating, demoralizing and ego busting.
You have suggested that I go to counseling. I know that I have lots of anger and other issues, so counseling is a good idea. But, and this may sound petty, since I have been the person in this relationship trying to change things, I feel that he needs to go first and then we will see. I will go but I have told him that he needs to work on his intimacy avoidance first. He is scared that he will "fail." When I asked him of his definition of failure, his response was that that he would not be able to meet the expections of the counselor and talk about what his issues are. That is a valid fear that he has since he is a very closed person. He is afraid to lose me but cannot verbailze why. That is hard for a verbal person like myself to understand why he cannot explain himself.
I have been reading some of your other posts and have noticed that you wanted to make a change in your relationship. What changed for you? I would be thrilled if my H wanted to change and become a true husband to me, not the roommate that he has been.
Thanks for making me think. Posting is a type of therapy for me, but sometimes I just sit here and cry as I type.
