Hey--How cool!! I am so happy for you. I agree on the less clinical part. Life is too short to analyze everything. Wow! Thanks for the inspiration...it means alot to know that things do get better.
LonelyD, you and I will have our good times also. We don't know when yet, or what they'll be, but we will.
LD, How was line dancing? I used to LOVE to country dance and miss it. Have thought about buying a new pair of boots and finding a place to go, but I haven't found a place YET!
Hey--Have to completely agree on the NEED part. Takes awhile to get there, but is cool when you realize that.
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Hard part is that the grief and sadness and loss make us (or at least me) feel incredibly needy.
Once again, Mr. Thrill, thanks for the perspective!
It was awesome, I really enjoyed myself. It was good to get out, mix with some new people. All basic steps right now. i have learned more advnaced dances, but this at least gives me the base to learn more. you shjould do it. Good excercise too...
I agree, we'll have our good time son, when is the big question. Do you think you can be dark enought so that when you are around them, you feel almost like you are totally ignoring them? I have been hard lining like crazy, and need to know if too much is too much. I basically respond to her if she initates contact or communication with me, even when we are physically in the same place. Other than that, I try not to look or glance, don't jump into her conversations unless she talks to me. I believe I'm doing it right, but it feels almost mean. ButI have been told tough love is just that. It is getting easier to do, no doubt about it. You have a good weekend too...
Karlah - Grief, sadness and loss make us all feel needy. Its natural. Grieving is a process that can't be rushed. I remember feeling so low, so utterly devastated and incredibly needy when my ExW left without a reason. But when I found out she was having an affair those feelings were added to with despair and betrayal. My entire adult life was spent with this one special person and now she is gone. I'll never forget the loss but I will heal and go on which is proof that I don't need her. You can't forget 30 years of memories, love and sharing. But you can create more memories and fill your time with positive people places and activities. Again it is a process.
I think the WAS,MLCers and LBSs are all growing, just going about it under different circumstances and in different ways. I wished so much that my ExW would have stayed in the marriage and been able to sort out her pain. But she couldn't. So we both have to learn the hard way and with alot of pain. The serenity prayer comes to mind.
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He does usually add a disclaimer though. That is that his methods don't necessarily work with emotionally challenged people! There are no steadfast rules with folks who suffer from childhood issues, depression etc. They have to figure things out for themselves and assign value to the people in their lives. We are sometimes just left to sort through the ashes and find the good that is there and always was.
Last edited by sgctxok; 10/27/0809:21 PM.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
I had learned several weeks ago that I no longer need my wife, but I do want my wife. The only needy part of me right now is that with all my stress and things i am taking care of I need someone to pat my back, tell me its ok, and the like. A hug, kiss and some passion would definitely be something I NEED right now.
I do agree that once you get passed the need them stage it get easier, but the pain and grief are very real. Being dark has helped me tremendously. But again, i sometimes feel I am pushing the envelope too hard. Signs are showing and most people are tired of telling her what to do and how big of a mistake she made. That will most likely help in the long run. My life is better, not great, but better. I am invited more places, I am doing things for myself. I worry about things I have in the past with greater passion, believe it or not it makes me feel connected to my life. Going through life, trying to survive, is not living. She is not happy, she is going through the motions. I am happy, just not complete. I have learned the underlying truth, you need to make yourself happy and you need to be happy with yourself. Once you do this, it is amazing how your outlook changes. I still talk about the situation to anyone who wants to know. I am told I do this for two reasons, one I am not over it, no kidding, really! The other is that I like to see where I was, emotionally and personnally and then where I am now. I don't usually pat myself on the back, it is my way of doing so. If I found $5k to financially stabilize right now, I would really be happy. I am getting my fnances done. I will tell you all this. this site, the DR book and the book on my wife's possilble MLC (symptomwise she hits it rght on the mark) have helped me through this to the level I am functioning at right now. My challenge this weekend, no discussion about it. Thats what I have all of you for. Karlah, we feel more lonely, emotionally, than needy I think. We see them, we are around them and yet we aren't with them. that is the pain. But I also know this, and this is a fact, they are watching us, more than we are watching them. They are trying to figure out what is an act, what is pain, what is real, why are we the way we are right now, and do they remember the people we are today. This is a fact! Make no mistake about it. doesn't mean they will be rushing back, but it does add to their thinking. We survive because we have chosen to, because we have to. We are happy, genuinely happy. they are not. Are they as lonely as we are, in their minds they are not, they have an outlet. My W has tis OM. He is a piece of Sh#$. She feels good when around him, but is not around him as much over the past 2-3 weeks. Her life is still centered around the next party, the next social event, the next whatever. My life is centered around me and my kids. Parties are nice but they now take a backseat to my kids. As it should have been. I am a better person for it.
Karlah, you and I will have what Tgone has right now, whether it is with them or not. I hope to be with W again, hopefully soon. Do I put everything on hold till then, no! Will I be happy if she comes back, absolutely! How will I handle it, who knows. I cannot dwell on it because it is not in my grasp. This is the best advice I have to give. Wake up each day and think about the things you need to do. When you go to bed at night, be happy with your accomplishments. Repeat...
MLCers have a huge void inside them. Right after my ExW left we had a phone conversation in which I was looking for answers. I even used the words and phrase "you have a deep dark hole inside you that you can't seem to fill". My ExW agreed! They know something is wrong. My ExW even said "Something is wrong with me". What I've found is that whatever it is is very painful to face. The change was drastic as my ExW fought the guilt and shame and then turned on me with blame and justification.
LD - I get the gut feeling that your marriage is salvageable. It is just a gut feeling based on the fact that your W maintains contact through a variety of manipulations. All the more reason for you to let go. My ExW took a dive off the high dive and created so much damage so quickly that I got the feeling she denied, justified and blamed as a means for survival. For her to truly contemplate what she did and how she did it would be devastating. It was the antithesis of all she was. It was much easier to keep going than turn around. God help her if she ever runs out of steam or falls of that wild tiger she is riding. The nightmares she gave me will pale in comparison. I've seen and felt alot of pain through this but it is nothing compared to what resides inside her. That is why I think my ExW will keep running. The same will go for your W when she realizes for the first time what she is losing. But she has to fully understand and feel that loss
Right now both these women can't feel. They are disconnected.
Hugs,kisses and passion? Those are wants not needs. They are nice. Very nice. But you'll still be breathing and wake up tomorrow without them. The sun will still rise and set without them. We're grown men not little boys. MLC is a developmental stage in mid life gone wacky. Notice our Ws left, but couldn't do so without someone waiting in the wings? That my friend is neediness
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Tgone, I couldn't agree more. My feeling, my instinct tells me this is salvageable and as i stated above, the harder a line I holder, the tougher I stand, the more response I see. I believe my early on, be happy go lucky around her, try to win her back by showing her I'm a nice guy was crap. what she saw was a doormat. Not anymore. she sees anger and defiance. she sees the pain I have felt and am feeling. Oh yeah, I was told her crash will be monumental. I have been told it will make my pain and suffering pale in comparison, those words exactly. I do not wish this on her, but now I fully understand the extent of the situation. It has nothing to do with my marriage, relationship me or my kids, it is her. I had read it over and over again. Been told that over and over again. I spent a lot of time trying to see things her way, couldn't do it. She had told me before this that she was going through something and for me not to worry. I was told by my therapist that she probably was hoping everything would pass, which is not ucommon. Unfortunatley or weekend drama and the emotional affair with the OM were enough to push her out the door. My chasing didn't help. But now, as you indicated and others have guided me, she wants what she can't have, she speaks and lives in a world that doesn't exist. By being the way I am towards her right now, I am showing her that I will not tolerate it. She is seeing rejection. that is what I have learned. that my rejection will show her that I am not going to sit by idly while she runs through wonderland. I do feel better about myself, I have to hoestly say I do. It hurts to do it, but tough love. I have heard it from this board, my therapist, the chuch and the like. I have not ever held a hard line with her. I think because I was an emotional retard. Not anymore. You have a great weekend with your lady firiend. I am going to have a couple of glasses of wine this weekend. Not falling off the wagon, just in the mood.
PS Tgone, No I really need hugs and kisses...I want them always,its just now I need them...I get hugs and kisses from the kids all the time lately, but you know what I mean. I'm gonna forget how...
Funny you mention wine! I'm headed to a friends house to introduce my lady friend to him, his wife and kids and I'll be drinking some wine!
Tomorrow we're going to spend the day together running around shopping, errands, maybe a movie, maybe a hand in hand walk...whatever! Quality time.
Sunday we got free tickets to a football game! A booth to be exact. We're going uptown, gratis.
Have fun everyone !
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
