Divorce has it's own set of problems that are difficult to resolve and find peace with. Believe me, I have thought long and hard about persuing a divorce, but have decided that would be not be an option at this point. The level of satisfaction with a relationship is more complicated than the sexual gratification aspect. Over a long period of time, we have built a nice life together, with the exception of our complete lack of sex. I have been supportive, understanding, and have tried to help him see how damaging his lack in sexual interest in his wife is to this marriage. He cannot see that is the crux of the problem. He may not be able to change his frigidity, but I still have needs and desires that he is not willing to address. I have been trying to help him understand that I am willing to help him overcome his fear of intimacy, but after all of these years of trying with no success, I am running out of ideas. I have told him numerous times over the years that he is pushing me into the arms of another man, but he has not made any attempts to change his behavior or stop me. I have asked him point blank how would he feel if I did have an affair. His only response is that he is afraid the I would not love him anymore. And nothing has changed.
He has broken our vows by not fulfilling our entire relationship. I have tried to help him change, and I still am at square one. He is not malicious in withholding affection, he really does love me, but as a roommate, a mother figure, not a wife. That is not what I bargained for when I said "I do." Should we go to counseling? That might help if he were willing to go. Have suggested it numerous times, too. In his mind, all therapists speak, and I quote him here, "psychobabble." So when he finally goes to therapy, he will probably not listen to what they may have to say. I have always been willing to go to a third party to try to find out why he is so emotionally closed, but he has stalled and delayed many, many times. He does not want to find out himself. It might be too painful for him. I am in pain, too, but he does not understand why, even after long conversations. I deserve to be needed, wanted, desired and touched. Perhaps I should resign myself that even though legally I am married, I have a room mate for a husband. That is difficult to accept and that is not what I want. I would like to change that, but it takes both of us that want to change to make that happen. I cannot make the changes all by myself.
Will an affair help our marriage? Probably not, but it might help me cope better. He has been warned that I am at the point of looking for sexual gratification elsewhere. I have trusted him to try to change himself, but he has not, so he has broken my trust that the situation will change. Yes, I have begged, pleaded, cried, yelled and screamed at him, too, but nothing has changed.
He has emotionally blackmailed me without understanding why he is a non-sexual being and is perfectly happy with continuing our marriage as status quo. I need a sexual outlet once in awhile, pure and simple. We may have more baggage if I do have an affair but he has been warned that this is a possibility due to his inaction and obviously is willing to take that risk. I grew up in the '70's so understand the concept that sex does not always have to have emotions to be fufilling. Would be nice, but not an option at this point, either.
I sound rather defeated and hopeless today, don't I? I am still in the black hole of depression and should go to the doctor for anti depressants. Drugs might help me cope, but sex is another form of drug, look at all of the chemicals that our bodies produce when we are sexual beings. God, I am almost maudlin with this post.. Desperate, you bet. Tired of begging, most decidedly so. He has finally made an appointment to see a therapist, so I am waiting to see if anything will change. How much longer can I hold on? Dunno.
