Can I ask you both a question just because I'd like to try and understand, not because I'm being judgemental?
Why would you have an affair rather than just divorcing?
I ask because these are my perceptions:
1) You would cheat because you are so starved for sexual intimacy, you become desperate.
But, in order to achieve true intimacy, there must be an equal balance of trust, emotional and physical communication. Most affairs provide the immediate fix for the sex starvation, but lack the longevity that cultivates true trust and emotional bonds. So the act of the affair at some point becomes empty itself, or becomes a double-edge sword because once committed, you then fear being caught.
Which brings me to:
2) If you are caught, you've introduced into your marriage a violation of trust so deep it may never be repaired...you've sacrificed the foundation upon which emotional and physical intimacy is created. And you have a better than average chance of ending up in divorce court anyway. So how would this further you along your goal of being more intimate with your spouse?
If your spouse does come around and you start having more sex, has the affair been successful in achieving your goals, or have you just been successful in emotionally blackmailing your partner?
Now be aware that I fully understand that when one spouse cheats, both marriage partners are equally responsible for the wandering spouse...something had to be wrong for the spouse to wander, or they'd never wander.
It just seems to be an incredibly risky option, one fraught with so many pitfalls that the potential pay-off seems highly unlikely.
At our worst time, I understood that my lack of response to my H could drive him to have an affair. I understood his need. I didn't think it was fair that he had to do without while I was getting what I thought I wanted. But I was completely stumped as to how we were both going to get what we wanted and needed. At least not until I read the book.(It's not to say we still don't struggle, either).
Seems to me that there are two choices when a couple faces the SSM. Do something about the problem or get out. Both seemingly simple answers are in and of themselves extremely complex and take an enormous amount of energy.
These are just my perceptions. I'd like to know yours so I can understand better.
