I'm here for advice and support- I'm particularly interested in feedback from the men in this forum, as I am trying to understand my H/stbx, and determine whether this is worth it.
I first picked up DB/DR about 4 years ago during a previous S with my stbx- M 12 yrs. I successfully made it through piecing our M after a 5 month S and we were doing ok for awhile, but things started to get worse again earlier this year. I admit, I stopped trying and gave up. He stopped trying and gave up. We fought a lot and we both felt miserable. Neither of us ever want to feel this way again. The exact same pattern led us to our first S four years ago. He now feels we are in a destructive/toxic pattern with each other and we need to walk away. He also feels he 'never' wants an R again, he's meant to walk alone in life and will only be fulfilled by his business (he just started a new business). We were in an unbalanced pattern- I was paying for all the bills and doing all the chores and he felt like he couldn't provide for me and I didn't need/want him. We weren't doing much together, we both struggled with depression. Then, resentments built up over this and he closed me off, and I reacted and closed him off. I was giving too much in our M and I needed to step back and receive and let him feel like he was providing. Maybe there is more that was going wrong, but give/take was a major issue.
Three months ago, after many fights and us both saying we wanted a D, I filed for the temporary order and then moved out of state to stay with my family. We didn't talk much for three months- He emailed me some about bills. Recently, an old mutual friend died and he left me a message about it. I called him back, he was suprised I was even talking to him and we had the most passionate conversation ever for about 2 hours. We were flirting, complimenting each other, said we missed each other and wanted to see each other again. It felt great. At the end of the conversation, he started to indicate he wasn't sure and he said he needed to think about things and would call me back. Two days later, he called me back saying he didn't think it was a good idea anymore and fell back on all his ideas about why it's better we're apart. He can tell I'm happy in my 'new life' and even flirted a bit about whether any men were "making eyes at me" I tried to be vague, but I could have ramped it up more. I told him I agreed and understood, but that I was open to the possibility in the future if we were both in a better place emotionally. I did backslide and cry a bit at points in the conversation, and I definitely talked too long (1-1/2 hr conversation), which I know I should not have done. I told him I could no longer talk to him if we went ahead and got the D. That scared him (he wants to be friends) and he said he'd call back again, he wasn't making a final decisions yet. Yesterday he called and left a voicemail. I have not returned the call yet.
It's up to me when the D progresses. He doesn't have a lawyer at all. I'm the one who has the lawyer and can tell her to go ahead or hold off. My question is - is this worth it for me? He thinks he doesn't even want any woman, he thinks it's a waste of his time. He also thinks that I am kidding myself that I could be happy with him since he does not want to give anything to me.
Does anyone think there is hope for this R?
DBer since 2003 D - 3/24/09 GAL and DBing for myself
