Signs to say WAW woke up?

[dday101798]

Hi, I have been posting in the newcomers section but after reading through some of the threads here and changes in the situation I thought this best be asked here.

What are the TRUE signs, that a WAW is starting to wake up and relize what they left?

I haven't seen my W in about a month, we've been physically seperated since 7/12 and lived in a sepereated state in our house since May.

Only recently after me finding out I have some health problems that need to be dealt with, getting a life and a bit of "dating" and severe issues with our sons 10 & 11 behavour have we now spoken via phone sanely for little more than a week.

She has had a OM living with her basically since leaving and I feel that went on for a long time before, although she denies it. Through our social network of friends and the way our town works, I find myself constantly hearing that one thing she tells me after another is nothing but lies and I have caught her in her own several times.

However, in this recent week, she has adapted a new, quiet, apologetic and sincere tone that is very comforting. she even said she wants to take care of me through any surgery or therapy if needed. We are to meet tonight to discuss the kids and potential fate of the house, and stataus of the D that she has all the sudden put on hold.

So again, what is a true sign I can trust? I know it should be obvious, but she is no longer someone I know and know if I could trust.

[dday101798]

Have an hour left to prerpare for this

I plan to go into the conversation with no expectation of any R talk. Mainly D talk and the impacts on the kids. For me now, it is her place to come clean and say if she's 100% completely done. But if she does bring something up, I'm not sure if it's for real or not.

I'm thinking maybe it'd be best to try and go somewhere neutral but she probably won't go for it and as in previous times assume it was intended to be a "date".

[dday101798]

Ok, so we met and immediately she agreed to looking into a family counseling situation to help get the kids in line as I repeatedly said, this is the rest of their lives. All the while she had a somber look which told me there was more than just the kids she wanted to talk about

After some of her usual bobbling back and forth between ideas of how she will continue to live away from me, but yet still not divorce me I asked again what is it exactly she wants.

Long story short, she says she doesn't know on anything and gets upset, begins to cry and the R/M talk goes well and it appears she having serious second thoughts. She even went so far as to say she told a mutual friend last Friday morning she wanted to do something with me for our 10th anniversary that night. Also, this friend is having a birthday party for her son on Sunday and asked to go with me. When leaving, I touched her arm and she immediately spun around and we held each other for a good 5 minutes for the first time since May.

Well, later that night, I had to go get coffee and my path took me by 'her' house, of course, OM's car parked out front. Shrugged off and carried on.

Yesterday, complete change and truth comes out. I spoke with the mutual friend and she says W never made any mention of wanting to do anything for our anniversary. Shortly after I spoke to wife and asked that if she is going to spend the afternoon with me, please do not go "home" to him afterward. This begins the cold treatment of "you know I'm with him", forget all the "I don't know" talk the night before and can't give me an answer to why she held me. And that she has to go to the party because she was to help decorate.

I finished with saying then there is no reason why we should be going anywhere together than as that is killing the last bits of compassion I have for her. Our friend determined that only I am going to the party and that W was never included on any of the plans of decoration of anything and had no idea W was going at all since she was NEVER invited.

So, I told her I'm done talking for now, I'm going dark on her again. Sick of all the lies and toying with my head. Can one of the WAWs here tell me why you do this? I told her point blank the other night when we met that I still DO NOT want a divorce, and if she's having second thoughts, you know where my door is and you know my number, but I can't' do this much longer.

[christarn]

dday~ I am sorry you are here.

I am a WAW....so this is just coming from my perspective. I think your w is scared and probably doesn't know WTF to do. She knows in her heart the best decision is to come home and take care of her family...but she made this decision to be strong and on her own...and reality is now set in. Life isn't as peachy on the "other side". Having to pay bills on a single income, the OM probably is starting to lose his charm etc.

There wasn't OM in my sitch, I started thinking about dating after I WA...but the more I thought about OMen in general...the more it reminded me of how much I missed my H

I know you are hurting, scared, and upset. But she is going thru the same emotions. It is a difficult balance to maintain. Try to stay strong. The more angry you become, especially with her, the more difficult it will make her decision making. It could possibly influence her decision about coming back as well. I know that is hard....believe me i know. My H, after 21 months of separtation, still holds so much anger with me. I can not change what I did...believe me I would in a heart beat. However, I know now what I have to do to be a better W, and I have learned so many lessons it is amazing. I would never put my H through this again, and I am not saying I am happy that I WA...I am just trying to make the best of the cards I have been dealt...and hoping you can see that as well. My H re-filed after 20 months, then out of the blue we talked and decided one last shot...so now we are trying MC...will it work...don't know...but it's worth the shot!!

As I tell my friend, Very Scared, Keep your eye on the fairway and away from the bunkers. We are all a little off par...keep your game face on...our goal around here is to be the next Tiger Woods. Or in my case Tigera Woods!!! lol

Stay positive...you can do this, and I believe your W is thinking and muddling things in her head...give her time and space....avoid anger at all costs...anger will only exacerbate your problems. Develop a ducks back!!!

Great job on GAL and going dark!!! You are doing a great job....continue to stand tall for your M...

you are in my thoughts and prayers
holla if u need anything...I'm around, between school and work!

(((daday))))
christarn

ps...hope all of this made sense and sorry if i rambled!!!! lol

[dday101798]

Thanks Christarn!

You know, everything in your first paragraph is about spot on to what I gathered in seeing her the other night. I can tell she is scared, and I can tell she is asking herself what to do, and as said, she stopped short on flat out saying it.

Just don't get the need to lie all the time. Also, I came to a thought that knowing as I do, he is probably not being very supportive of her emotional well-being, so I wonder if she thinks she can come to me for that and go to him for everything else? Heh, right after that lon ghug I thought for half a second she was going to lay one on me.

Anger? That was a main problem I think that drove her to leave. So, in turn that I have had under control. Even yesterday, I found me keeping myself unbelievably in complete check and is the one way to make this worse, so i think I'm showing my work well.

Thanks, gotta run

[dday101798]

Oh, and I guess I'm back to my question, especially in light of this Dr. Jackyl & Mr. Hyde type behavior, how do I know when she means what she's saying and is speaking truthfully?

Since I didn't answer her call (all 8 in row) this morning, I can only imagine she'll be making nother appearance tonight.

[christarn]

Be calm, please be calm!

She is probably depressed...and just needs you to be there for her....that's really all you can do.

Show her....you are that guy....the one she fell in love with!!!

((((DDAY))))

christa

[dday101798]

I'm calm, that's the funny part. A couple of months ago I would have exploded and made things 250% worse by blurting out something stupid or uncalled for, but not now, that is a huge improvment in itself for myself.

Just have a hard time balancing being there for her when she needs someone other than "him"

[AmyC]

Can one of the WAWs here tell me why you do this?

Yeah.
Because she is two separate people.
The one you saw and the one that goes back to OM after holding you and saying she doesn't know what she wants.

This is a battle.
You just saw it right before your own eyes.
Many LBSs don't have that kind of confirmation.

Stay dark and stand.

This is a process.



AmyC
Former WAW & MLC survivor


Editing to add: Don't put time limits on this.

[dday101798]

Thanks AmyC

Well, she says now she will have papers together on Monday, so we'll see what happens with that, I highly doubt that will happen.

I received a e-mail from my little half sister this morning. I should say, I come from a broken family, my father walked out, and my half sisters are in a broken one too as their mother walked out on them. My sis gave me a real slap in the face and outlined what she went through as a result of the "divorce" (can't call it one when he was still married to mother nearly 20 years later) and reminded me of what I have and am going through. It reminds me you end up with negativity towards one parent or another, or in some cases as mine, both.

So I called W and left a voice mail reminding her again that this effects the kids FOREVER and that eventually they will figure out who did what and develope their own feelings about it from there. I also had no choice but to get off my chest that due to what she did to me this week, I am consumed by the feeling of her being a selfish, manipulative cold heareted liar, and I hate her for making me feel that way because I don't want to.

I know, wrong thing to do, but for me and through my counseling, I need to get things out and not bottle them up as I used to do and played a part in this situation (anger issue). Otherwise, they fester or fueled a explosive blow out on a innocent person.

IF and when she presents these papers, I will sit on them, tell her we should spend some time away with minimal contact as needed and think. Either way, yes, I have to go dark, pitch black dark before I end up setting off another land mine and make things worse and drive her away more.

I'd love to say I don't want to "time" this, but I'm sure you understand the amount of humiliation this causes me on a daily basis, I can't go anywhere without somebody asking me about it. And, even worse, she is still on my insurance, and that is a fightening feeling.