Here I am....real life and all.

[Starshyne]

Figured I might as well update what is going on. Last week I was feeling sad. Missing my husband and the fun times we once had. (I say "my husband" and not "my ex husband" because the person I was missing was the man I married and I think they are 2 different people).

He still calls about once a week. I am fine with that. The last time I talked to him, he appologized for "ruining my life." So I had to point out quickly that my life is NOT ruined in anyway. He also said "maybe we can get back together." To which I told him that maybe in the future we can, I didn't know. But that wasn't something I could do anytime soon. When he asked why, I told him it was because there would be no reason for me to believe that he wouldn't cheat on me again. And the things he said to me were so hurtful and mean that I just couldn't be with someone who said those things to me. He told me that he was sorry for the things he said and he didn't mean any of it. He misses me and "the whole package." (I guess that would mean me paying for everything?). He said that I am so better than the OW and she wasn't worth losing me over.

Hearing those things is nice. Really. But it is too late. I haven't closed the door on him forever. But I can't forsee me and him together anytime soon. I am thinking 10 years from now or something. He needs to get help for his issues. He needs to straighten out his life. But I will be his friend. I like the guy. He asked if we could see a movie together sometime, just as two old friends. I said that could happen. I would need to think about it.

Emotionally I am doing better. I read through many of my journal entries from the middle of all of this. I had forgotten many things that had happened. And while I ended up bawling my eyes out, I felt very cleansed afterwards. I don't love him the way I once did. I am starting to understand where God was during all of this (something I had been really struggling with). And I am finding myself again. I feel good.

Still very busy. Teaching has been challenging this year, and new challenges keep coming my way. I am now working with a 10 year old girl who might have been seriously locked in a closet her whole life. She was found by DCFS and put into a foster home. She doesn't know anything. Doesn't know any letters, words, colors, shapes, etc. She reminds me of a 2 year old stuck in a 10 year old body. But I am trying to teach her to read. Very challenging.

I still have been doing things for fun. Hanging out now and then with that guy I have been seeing. Still not a serious thing, so that is good. Been doing things with my mom and alone. Trying my best to stay strong.

Sara