God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[Nutty Chick]

TOH I hate to say it but I think the ML was a really bad move.

Men love the thrill of the chase. They would much rather go out all night hunting a moose, bring it home, show it off, cook it and enjoy it.

If they woke up one morning and found a dead moose on the doorstep they would just walk right over it.

Men don’t like easy, they like to feel that they have worked for what they have.

Your H doesn’t have to work for you he just has to snap his fingers and he can have you jumping through hoops.

How can you expect him to have respect for you if you don’t have it for yourself?

Nutty

[theotherhalf]

lwb, your nice enough too!! thanks for posting, don't worry about being to harsh. I can take it and I need it.

What you said about being ME a year from now?...I'm okay with that...I like who I am. Not proud of things I've done, but I am human. I guess this is sort of a 180 for me. I've always lived my life with a life plan. Always knew what I wanted. Each and every day I appreciated but maybe not enough. Maybe I didn't take enough time to enjoy the moments. Maybe I should have lived more like one day at a time and not worry about what's next....Now I guess I am doing that. I have no idea what's in store for me tomorrow or the next day so just living one day at a time and not worrying so much about the future.

[a new 2moro]

I think she meant do you want to be who you are now in your stitch a year from now, coz thats who and where you will be if you stay status quo letting your H use you like this.

lwb said it very well how you pick and choose what you want to use from our posts. c'mon....sex in NC?????

I think the last 2 posts from lwb and nutty chick said volumes to you...they were very well put..but you do have a way of seeing things in a dif light and twisting it around in a way that suits you.

[theotherhalf]

NC,

How can you expect him to have respect for you if you don’t have it for yourself?

This is such a tough issue for me. I know you and everyone else is right. But lack of and quality of sex was a huge issue in our dying M. Although the sex has always been good between us it could have been sooo much better. Proven since the bomb. And the quanity was pathetic. Mostly my issues but H has some as well.

H has always been very HD. I'm LD.
H seen me naked for the first time in many many many years after he left me. I was too fat and ashamed for him to see. I was too tired. Didn't want the girls to catch us or hear us. Never wanted to do things out of the norm. So he'd push. He'd try to pursuade me. He'd reach for me. I'd pull away. I'd reject him. He'd get angry. I'd try to talk to him. He wouldn't discuss it. We'd both go to sleep angry, hurt, and without. This esculated. I tried to fix it. We got no where. Then the sex turned to just sex. He stopped initiating. And when we did there was no fun. No passion. Sometimes but very rare. And then he left.

After he left I changed. I lost weight. I felt better about myself. I WANTED sex. We've had alot of it. It's been good. But he is broken. There is no more passion.

So this is why it is so hard for me to tell him no. I know that telling him no too many times is one reason our M broke. I now know what it is like to feel rejected. I don't ever want him to feel that from me again. I WANT him. But I also do not want him this way. I want to feel desired. I want to feel passion. I want to feel loved. Not used. I don't want to be his whore. I want to be his lover.

What do I do? Do I just say no? I think your wrong. I think that ML with my H can very well bring him back to me but it needs to change before that can happen. This "sex" that we have now won't. Your right. It can't be just "sex". So how do I change it? What do I tell him the next time? Not until you are committed to me?
What I've thought to say, "I want you more than anything H but I can't anymore until I know that it means something to you. I don't want to just have sex with you. I want us to ML to each other. I won't be your whore, I want to be your lover. If that isn't possible than I can not be with you."

Again, what do I do?

[theotherhalf]

an2m,
I understood completely. And I do see things clearly. And your right they did make great points. I agree with them 100%. I want to stop my H from using me. It's high time he gets off this fence and decides what he wants out of life. If we keep on like this we will end up hating each other and I don't want that to happen.
But he isn't ready to make that decision yet. So what do I do about it?

Lets back up a bit. Maybe I never should have said here that I was NC with him. That is impossible in our sitch. What I should have said is I've stopped all pursueing. That I'm leaving him alone and letting him go. That I'm dropping the rope.

an2m, I really am not a pathetic stupid woman. I REALLY am frustrated and feel like I am boxed in with no where to go.

[Andabelle]

TOH,
I ML with my H before I was detached enough, and couldn't handle it. Detachment is tough-- now I've got it, but it still slips A LOT. I don't believe you have it, not even a little bit.

I know it would be difficult for you to go completely dark on your H, but could you try "dim?" You disike going out, think of yourself as a homebody-- fine. How about getting into nature? A well-timed walk in the country will get you away from the house when your H comes by. You need to be gone when he does, at least some of the time. Maybe then he won't take you for granted as much.

You really work your a** off around the farm. Do you truly love it? Or would you ultimately be happier if you guys sold it? Just wondering.

Nobody thinks you're pathetic and stupid. We've all been where you're at. We just don't like it that you're stuck there, cuz we know how much it sucks.

[LL44]

What do I tell him the next time?

What you wrote would sound wonderful to a rational person. Someone open to being more with you, someone wanting to work on a satisfying marriage. Your H is not that person. In fact, I could bet my paycheck that he will pull the heck away from you if you push "I want to make love with you, not have sex" on him. He is giving all he can give right now. That can be fine, BUT, it is NOT fine because you are not fine. The only one you can change in this mess is you.

TOH I should hope that you know I meant "Do you want to be in this exact same spot in your marriage 365 days from now?". Because even if H isn't with OW, I can see him dating, flirting, and starting something new with someone else WHILE having sex and being married to you. I know this because it happened to me. xH broke it off with OW and continued to find others. We would still be married if it were up to him.

Our sex was good (in the marriage), but wasn't often enough. Guess what? You don't 'owe' H anything. You don't owe him sex, or need to show him that things have changed.

OMG I had to laugh at the 'moose' metaphor, because I was a total dead moose on xH's doorstep last summer. He practically had to step over me to go out on dates, all with me saying "I love you, have a nice night". Yup, been there done that. DON'T want the t-shirt.

[WCW]

TOH,
You really work your a** off around the farm. Do you truly love it? Or would you ultimately be happier if you guys sold it? Just wondering.

Nobody thinks you're pathetic and stupid. We've all been where you're at. We just don't like it that you're stuck there, cuz we know how much it sucks.

Working her a** off around the farm is a 180 for toh. Prior to this she did not help her H on the farm. Now she is and stepping outside her own lines of what she can do. I personally think it is wonderful of her to help her H but I am the minority with that opinion. I stick by it though because I know first hand what it takes to manage a place and how much helping hands are appreciated to get the work done. That could possibly be part of why her H thru HIS hands up and left, he was tired of shouldering the load without her help. He pulled a full time job plus ran a full time farm with no help from his W or kids. How would YOU feel while you worked your a** off and everyone SAT on theirs?

It's great you all have jumped in with things for toh to ponder. Keep her thinking!

[Nutty Chick]

NC,

How can you expect him to have respect for you if you don’t have it for yourself?

This is such a tough issue for me. I know you and everyone else is right. But lack of and quality of sex was a huge issue in our dying M. Although the sex has always been good between us it could have been sooo much better. Proven since the bomb. And the quanity was pathetic. Mostly my issues but H has some as well.

H has always been very HD. I'm LD.
H seen me naked for the first time in many many many years after he left me. I was too fat and ashamed for him to see. I was too tired. Didn't want the girls to catch us or hear us. Never wanted to do things out of the norm. So he'd push. He'd try to pursuade me. He'd reach for me. I'd pull away. I'd reject him. He'd get angry. I'd try to talk to him. He wouldn't discuss it. We'd both go to sleep angry, hurt, and without. This esculated. I tried to fix it. We got no where. Then the sex turned to just sex. He stopped initiating. And when we did there was no fun. No passion. Sometimes but very rare. And then he left.

After he left I changed. I lost weight. I felt better about myself. I WANTED sex. We've had alot of it. It's been good. But he is broken. There is no more passion.

So this is why it is so hard for me to tell him no. I know that telling him no too many times is one reason our M broke. I now know what it is like to feel rejected. I don't ever want him to feel that from me again. I WANT him. But I also do not want him this way. I want to feel desired. I want to feel passion. I want to feel loved. Not used. I don't want to be his whore. I want to be his lover.

What do I do? Do I just say no? I think your wrong. I think that ML with my H can very well bring him back to me but it needs to change before that can happen. This "sex" that we have now won't. Your right. It can't be just "sex". So how do I change it? What do I tell him the next time? Not until you are committed to me?
What I've thought to say, "I want you more than anything H but I can't anymore until I know that it means something to you. I don't want to just have sex with you. I want us to ML to each other. I won't be your whore, I want to be your lover. If that isn't possible than I can not be with you."

Again, what do I do?

I kind of feel that is what happens to many of us… sex kind of takes the back burner. Lifes like that. Same thing happened in my marriage. I rejected my H soooo many times. But there were reasons for that, emotionally my needs were not getting met.


Trouble is … you are now rewarding him for his bad behaviour. You are showing him by your responsiveness that you like the emotionless sex.

.. if you are finding the sex unfulfilling chances are he is too …


If you feel that reconnecting through sex is the way forward and only you know that, then you are really going to have to be more assertive and get Him jumping through hoops to please you.

So for example if he asks you for sex and you feel in the mood then make him work for it .. run you a bath, light a candle, wash your back massage you..

Tell him what you want for a change. If you want to be kissed tell him. If you have been quite submissive and rejecting sexually a 180 in the bedroom may be what you need.

Act like you are special and he will start to believe that.

Nutty x

[Nutty Chick]

Working her a** off around the farm is a 180 for toh. Prior to this she did not help her H on the farm.!

Thankyou for pointing this out WCW it is a really important point.

Whilst married; TOH did not help her H around the farm, nor did they ML.

Now he has left she helps around the farm and ML whenever he wants.

So … in the mans mind he must be thinking he is better off now than before there is no incentive for him to move back in with his W and lose his farm hand with extras on tap.


Why would he want to go back to be married?

Nutty