Not feeling like writing too much right now, but I will get to the tail end of my last thread in the morning!
There are hugs, and food, and drink here, for anyone that wants them!
Tonight I took S10 to McDonalds for McTeachers night for his school. Some of the teachers were working or at least there. I think the school got a cut of the profits during the three hour period. He is really a blast to go out with, he is still a bit of a little boy, so he'll take a hug or a tickle! I'm going to miss it when I can't do that any more! I can't believe the baby is creeping up on 11! Time flies!
Yep, time flies.... how long can I let this situation go on? I'm getting older every day. How many years of my life do I want to live like this? If the M has to end, is it better sooner than later? Just thoughts that come to mind.... Forty eight is sneaking up on me, fifty can't be far behind. I don't feel that "old" but those are the numbers!
Oh, well, just the thoughts that have run through my head this evening....
Time is short and the choices we make, will eventually come back and "hit us". There are only a few things in life that we cant really change, even if in some cases it is a slow painful process.
So, I will give you an advice FG gave me, "it's all about YOU and who YOU want to be".
Sometimes, caught in the everyday routine we tend to forget to dream and we settle for what is in front of us, thinking this is how it should be. And usually something sudden happens to tell us this is NOT the way it is supposed to be. Most of us here, had this "luck" to have the awakening of the major R n our life falling apart. It's our duty to not let this awakening go wasted and use it as a starting point for a better, more fullfilling life. We were given a second chance. This is no rehearsal, this is it...
I think fear is making you procrastinate what you already know is inevitable. The same way you are your Ws security, she is some kind of security for you. Look at things for what they are and make some brave decisions.
It's time to use this board to help you and be selfish and focus on you and just you. It's time for a change. Thank you, Love M
It's our duty to not let this awakening go wasted and use it as a starting point for a better, more fullfilling life. We were given a second chance. This is no rehearsal, this is it...
That says it all Jeff. Don't waste another minute of your life wondering what should and could be. You have to MAKE happen what you WANT to happen. Do what you need. A happy Jeff is all that matters now. Trust me, happy people make happy parents. Your misery and frustration in your own situation is showing for the world to see. You don't think your kids feel it and are affected by it? I don't care how hard you try to act "as if" around them, they feel it.
What do you want Jeff? Be totally open and honest. You know we are not going to belittle or chastise you for it. What do YOU want? This is not a question of "what do you think you can get" but what does your heart of hearts want more than anything else?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
So, it seems that the relevant questions are what do I want to say, and, especially, what do I want.....
It's a good thing you didn't ask HARD questions!
I WANT to be married to W, happily, as a couple. Reaslistically, I just don't see it happening. She is carrying around resentments, justified and not, that she has had for years, decades, even. And she shows no inclination to discard them. And, as you all know, she has shown no interest in doing anything to improve the marriage. On the other hand, we all know that there are cases where things can change almost on a dime. I don't expect it, but I have to recognize that despite appearances, it could happen. But when, who knows?
So, what do I need to know? I think I need to know what SHE wants out of the marriage. Is she already getting it? In our last "talk", she said she wasn't miserable. Does she really accept things the way they are? Can she do this forever? What would have to happen for her to want to work to change things? (Maybe that is a big one?)
If things are not going to change, I really don't see any alternative to a D. I think that I would rather he alone, than like this (other than the kids). And, if I don't want to be alone, sooner is probably better than later. Which seems like a stupid reason to do anything, but it is realism, isn't it? But, if there was to be a D, I'd want to be fair, maybe to a fault. And, I don't really know if it is even possible. We've made commitments to the kids, and I don't want to back out of them. But, I have to be true to myself to! So, where does that leave me?
On top of it all, I really am the world's best conflict avoider. And she can argue me into a corner at the drop of a hat. So, whatever I want to discuss, I have to not let it turn into an argument. I even worry about validating.... when I do that, I think that she "hears" that I agree with her, not that I understand her feelings. Plus, she won't stop an argument until I agree. Of course, then she'll say I only agreed to stop the argument, so it is a Catch-22 of sorts.
I guess, ideally, I'd win $100 million in a lottery, give her half, D, and live happily even after. I guess I'd have to buy a ticket for that to work, huh?
Jeff.. have you ever paid for any DB coaching? Its really excellent. I see you are stuck and dont know how to have "the talk" with her, and also, you dont know really how to validate without it sounding like you are just agreeing (and therefore, giving her more ammunition to not fix the M). I reckon a coach could really help you with those things?
How do you think your W feels about you being avoidant? Would she prefer you to storm in, sweep her up and demand that she talks to you!? It would be a 180 ! Lol
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
