For the Guy with Kids and a WW Dix-Sept

[hopeful4her]

Thanks for ya'lls support guys.

I think I bring the drama about to myself. I just can't face the reality of her moving on living happy without me.

I didn't realize that she had called my phone before she called S14's phone. I realized it after I put the girls to bed.

D7 is missing her mom. D11 called her just before bed. They talk, but D11 hung up thinking that D7 was asleep and she wasn't. She got upset so I let her call her mom. She starts to cry on the phone and tells the wife that she misses her. I let them talk for a while and I can tell that the wife is letting her know that she can go back early, like Saturday or something.

After I finally get them to bed, I go outside to listen to the VM. She was calling to talk to the girls, if I could have them call her. And also she will talk to me later on about how I handled the situation earlier, "And you know what I'm talking about."

So I call her back.
"Hey, you want to talk to me?"
"No...probably best to wait until tomorrow. I don't want to say the wrong thing."
"Okay" like I was ready to hang up on her again.
"No. I might as well get it over with now."

We ended up talking for about an hour and half. Started out as me being immature with my cussing at Tom. I need to be an adult. I told her that he pissed me off. She asks why. I told her why. She asks me what I saw. There was nothing that would have given any kind of idea.
"We walk in and the first thing Juli sees are his shoes. 'Oh, those are Toms shoes'!"
"What shoes? I don't see any shoes. Where are the shoes?"

"I don't know."

"Why are you snooping around my apartment anyway?!"
"I go take a piss and there his stuff was!"
"Well, your not allowed in my bathroom."
"I just took a leak!"
"Well, next time use the girls!"
"Next time, I will!"



She goes on a rant about it being her place, she can do what the f*ck she wants to do and blah blah. I let her know that I know its her place and she CAN do what the hell she wants, but I don't want my girls involved in it. I mean, we go back and forth. I need to move on. How S14 feels about marriage now. She justified it and told me that I was just mad because I had to hear it from a 14 year old and I didn't like it.

I remind her that we're still married. She denies it. That we do NOT have a marriage anymore. She moved out.
"Just because you moved out didn't make the marriage end."
"It is to me." she says.

How she doesn't ask me for sh*t for the kids, that she does it on her own without my help and that I need to stay the f*ck out of her life. I tell her that I take care of my kids. When they are with me.
"And I take care of them when they are with ME" she says back.

We end up going back and forth about doing the right thing. That D11 told me how she said that she would never lie to her and that she doesn't have a boyfriend blah blah. She says she never said that. Again, back and forth on stuff. Tom is going to be in her life. I tell her I don't care about that. I care about him not being in my girls life.

I tell her about being truthful. We say something about what the kids know and that if I end up telling them, that then she'll just have to deal with that. She doesn't want to live a lie anymore. I tell her that she needs to. She questioned me on my remark.

Then I questioned it myself.

"When the divorce is final, he MAY BE part of thier lives."
"If that day comes then fine. But he is not going to be in their lives right now!"

She talks about how she told D11 how I take care of myself now, how I'm buying things for myself. How the kids and I have gotten closer. This led into a different type of discussion. I tell her that some HAS come out of this. She agrees. I end up discussing realizations. Past discussions we had. I just want to do the right thing and that I just expect her to do the same. She says that she finally realized that her being unhappy all along was the result of herself making herself unhappy. Now she is independent and happy. I tell her how we relied on each other too much for our happiness. It was wrong to do. She agreed.

Slowly, our conversation turned a bit. I tell her that I remain strong and that I'm not going to apologize for how I feel. I tell her that the God that we believe in is a God of hope and that I will always hold onto that. No matter what happens. She says she tries to be civil, but we probably cant be friends. I tell her how I have struggled with wanting to be her friend. But that I cant. I say that I know she is wanting to be friends but that how can a friend do to another friend what she did to me.

She says that we both made mistakes. I agreed. She says she can take all the blame, but that she knows deep down that it wasn't just her. I agree with her and that I have always taken my share of responsibility for us. It wasn't just her, but that I won't take responsibility for what she did.

We talk about how I found myself again. How I have gotten my friends again. That I'm not a hermit anymore. That I'm much more social. I let her know that I have ALWAYS been social. I let her know that I have realized so much. How life got to us. We let it. That our lives changed so much when we brought nephew into our house. She says that I can't blame him. I tell her I don't blame him. Not his fault, but the situation started it all. That I realized how I changed. She agrees and that I pushed her away. I tell her that I take responsibility. That I DID change.

I can hear her cell phone ringing. I give a sigh. Funny thing is, so does she. A little bit later, she tells me to hold on. She clicks her phone over. A couple minutes later, she is back.
"Hello?" she says.
"Yeah?"
"Oh."

I continue. I tell her how she knows me better than anyone and that no matter what she tries to say, I know HER better than anyone.
I remind her that I told her long ago that I wanted to be absolutely sure that we tried everything we could. Our family deserved that. How we have something in both of us. Deep down we know how we feel about each other. She says she doesn't feel that way about me anymore. I tell her that she pushes it out. She chuckles at that comment. She lets me know that I will hold a special place in her heart. We've been through too much together, but she doesn't feel that way about me anymore.

I tell her that she knows me.
She says that I am only going to get hurt. I let her know that that is probably true. I tell her that hurt is actually not the right word. She throws out hate, anger, numbness? I say that I have gotten over ALL those emotions. That I don't know what it is now. I just have to see it through.

There were so many more things said. I just can't recall it all right now. She says she is done and needs to go get something to eat. She is starving.

Some how we talk about S14 and his dad. THAT situation. We talk about her ex and a discussion they had about S14 and his moving out and child support and so on. Another 20 minute discussion. Talking.....friendly. I discuss D7. How she was feeling. We talk about her for another 10 minutes. We talk about what the plan for tomorrow with me and the girls. How D11 wants to go see a movie with a new friend of hers. She tells me how she has to work on Saturday all day and then she has to go on a sponsored walk or something. Something for work. Not her choice.

By this time, I'm tired.
"Go get yourself something to eat. I'm tired. Gonna try to get some sleep tonight." I tell her.
"Its been a long day." she says.
"Yes it has been."
"hahaha."
???????
"Sorry, I had turned on the tv and an old episode of "Sex and the City" is on." How one of the girls had just fallen into some mud or a pool or something.

I tell her, "Okay, well you have a good night." Why did I say that?

"Ok. You too. I set my alarm. I'll try to call the girls in the morning. When they're not here, I try to sleep in if I can."
"Okay. Bye." I say.
"Goodnight. Bye." she tells me.

I tell her goodnight too and hang up.

I'm drained. I've rambled a lot, probably.
And she is just too gone, I think. Doesn't she sound like it?

I CAN'T keep OM from my kids. She still hasn't filed. No paperwork done. If she does divorce me, he will be in the picture.

But we're not there yet. It ain't over till its over?

I just don't know. It sounds like it is to me.