Maybe the problem is if I allow myself to see my H for the lying, cheating, manipulative, bitter, resentful, messed-up person he has been for so long now, I will draw the conclusion that he is incapable of change or at the very least totally unwilling to change. And then I have to stamp out that little Tinkerbell-sized spark of hope that I am keeping alive in my heart that he will one day (soon) be the Dan I knew and loved.
Except maybe he never was that guy except in my heart?
That is tough to take right now. Which is counter-intuitive b/c if I could see him as a jerk who is toxic to my life, I should then be able to let go more easily.
I would like a 48 hour break from thinking, please....
