Back to life, back to reality?

[istherehope]

Thank you Sep!

I am doing my best to stay in the positive frame of mind.

I do need to keep in mind the fact that I should be the one cutting the IM conversations short. I did that yesterday to avoid R talks, but today I was the last one to say anything without him responding. It was only on oils and cholesterol so no big deal, but it does leave him again as the one setting the pace for conversation.

Yes, things are going to start looking up. I am sure of it.

Thanks for keeping me positive!

ITH

[Separated]

No problem!!! I know from experience that sometimes during this it is hard to see the light that is right in front of us!!

[istherehope]

OK, still working on keeping the positive feelings there.

More IMs from H as usual. I was in meetings for 2 hours, and got back to a bunch of them spread over that time.

H)so how are you clothing wise sillyness
are you wearing your dorky sweaters yet
hmmm
i know you are there
lurking around

I ignored the clothing comment as I have nothing to wear for these 3 nights, had only expected to be away 1, but did NOT want to bring up anything to do with the living sitch in any way. I just told him about a really bad meeting I'd had where I yelled at someone. I wanted him to know that I am getting back into things at work, as me messing up my career freaks him out. Then I joked around about what outfit he would be buying me (some running joke from yesterday), let him respond and then kept quiet.

Thought we were done talking for the day--then he starts up again, and asked how I was. Just said good, you? And he asks what we should do on Saturday. Of course since one of his major issues was me choosing activities, I said it was up to him. He seems to want to go on a drive.

One more day of this before meeting up...
I can do this and remain positive!!!

ITH

[daisy282]

Sounds good ITH.

Keep it up!

[AliSuddenly]

YOu are doing really well and I'm impressed with your strength!

He's doing it again though.. calling you sillyness and labelling your jumpers dorky. I dont know ITH, there just seems to be this odd underlying passive aggressiveness (is that the phrase!?) with him.

So if he is 36 now, he probs is in his Pluto-Pluto, but he could have a bunch of other stuff going on too! If you really are interested, I'd pay to consult an astrologer (a good one). I spoke to one at Christmas over the phone, who also teaches and writes books... and the things he told me about my ex's chart just blew my mind! Was astounding and has helped me all year in the understanding of all of this (but some would say I have been too understanding!).

I am glad he is still contacting you regularly, well done on being strong!

Ali xxx

[optimistwife]

You are doing really well with this craziness. Stay strong with the IM, and don't get sucked into any serious talk. I hope you have a calm night and can be rested and fresh for your visit.

I AliSud may be right- you might be early in the process- sorry. I can't recall the start of your sitch. But my H first told me icky stuff back in sept 07, then again after x-mas, then again a month before he left. Lots of depressions stuff- unhappy in general, our m wasn't right- not sure what it was, I was too controlling, selfish, he may never be happy, etc.. etc...

but here I am 4 months into being on my own, more than a year of on and off badness prior- and I have hope (althought I have many days of not). My H seems to be coming back around... I think....

So hang in there. I think things can get better! You have to be the one not to give up though...

[istherehope]

Thanks Daisy, Opt, and Ali,

Ali--you are so sweet to worry about the terms that H uses. However, really, truly, "sillyness" and "dorky" are some of the sweeter terms of endearment that we use, and I called him silly earlier on IM myself. Sure there is the possibility that for him there is deeper meaning behind the words, but for the moment I am going to take these things as positives as they are terms that we used much before the bomb too.

Opt--thanks! I will be the one to hang in there. I know that H would give up if given the opportunity, but he is not going to get the opportunity :). I am not sure on the timeline for this really. He did say that he has been unhappy for at least a year, and this seems to make sense when I look back at certain things that should have been clues, had I been more aware.

All--after I posted this last night H continued to IM me (I deflected R talk a couple of times), and in fact started talking about his high cholesterol again. He said it was one of those "hmm" moments. I think he was going to say more, but then I had to leave with my friend so told him to have a good night. Well I left my phone at work by mistake, and I had a very strong feeling that he was going to contact me last night. I was right. I got to work and had a text from him at 11 PM saying good night, and that he was feeling a little bit sick. It has been a long time since he texted me good night, and telling me how is feeling is a good sign too I believe. I think maybe this high cholesterol thing has shaken him. The doctor said if he kept going this way he would need heart surgery in 10 years.

So trying not to have too many specific expectations, but I do feel like something shifted when he went to the doctor. Also, one of the R talk things I deflected yesterday was around me staying at my friend's house. He asked "are you sure we're not burdening X with our situation?" I just answered, "all is well, no worries", then talked about something else. A part of me thinks that he could be coming around a bit. If I had let that conversation continue, it could have been interesting, but he needs to learn appropriate IM etiquette :).

OK I need to get some work done today!

ITH

[istherehope]

Grr,

A "mini-fight" on IM, over something really stupid. H reached out to say he didn't feel good, and I just asked what was wrong etc., and then we got to tomorrow's plans. He said he could come pick me up, and then I said if he was sick he didn't need to and I could just get to the house. Then he explained how he really wanted to drive and such, then I said OK, well just let me know in the morning if you don't feel up to it. Then he said the following:

H: ok, lots of going back and forth and i am feeling manipulated
M: sorry was trying to be nice only
H: so either i come and get you or you tell me not to, i am not goign to go back and forth on it and do some convincing s**t
M:ok come get me
H: i am trying to make a decision and be nice and you do not make it easy; you want to make all of the decisions and that bothers me
M: I'm sorry I was just worried about your health. I am more than happy for you to come and get me.

By the way the reason that I kept emphasizing his health is that in the past he has felt like I don't care about his health, that I try to make him do things when he is sick etc. I thought this was a 180 for me, but it turns out that the decision-making thing is much bigger to him.

So we had a couple of normal sentences back and forth after this, just about where we are going tomorrow etc., but I am surprised that this made him so upset. I think I am going to need to be VERY careful over the next few days in terms of my responses to him.

ITH

[JCJ]

Hey ITH

I've learnt over the past few months to just agree if they offer something. you think you are being nice and making things 'easier' for them but in actual fact they just seem to get frustrated that we are 'making problems'. Bizarre hey?! Anyway, I would just say go with your h's flow for the moment. He seems to have a lot of frustrations (and i don't think they are all with you but he is projecting). Don't take it personally.

(((ITH)))

[istherehope]

Thanks Julia,

You're so right with what you've said. I guess it was better for me to get this lesson in a relatively painless way on IM about something that was clearly not very important than to get it in person about something more critical. Now I know what I need to do over this weekend.

I am going to go 100% with his flow. I thought I had been, but I guess me offering anything seems like resistance. In fact even when he asked what I wanted to do this weekend, I put it back on him, "what would you like to do H?"

I SO wish H would get to the relationships section of the MLC book that he's reading. It says such positive things, and talks all about this idea of projection. I would love for him to entertain the thought that he is projecting...

Anyway I think things have smoothed over a bit now. We had a chat for about 10 minutes or so on politics, and this is one of his favorite topics.

ITH