Moving her from Newbees

[Clayton]

I guess this is how most EA's/PA's start off - venturing into the land of "what if's".

This was my exact thoughts. I suddenly realized how easy it is to fall into the trap of an EA/PA.

The other thing is that as soon as this happened...I started thinking a lot about her and not my W. I guess this is exactly what happens to our ex's and their OM/OW. This situation was a learning experience on how easy it is to make this kind of mistake.

You don't really mean or plan it to happen, it just does....and then they start to fantisize about the other person instead of their significant other.

The Salsa dancing is for me. I'm not planning on including my W in this activity at this point and I don't think she would want to attend. This is my safety net GAL activity.

Getting attention certainly was an ego boost that was very welcome.

[Clayton]

I haven't had any contact with W since we went out last week for dinner. I have had absolutly no urge to e-mail or call her in any way....which is quite strange.

Yesterday she e-mailed wanting to go out again on Friday. I replyed that I might be available to catch up...and asked if she had anything in mind to do.

I don't really know if I can be bothered. I have started to move out of the limbo and have definetly started to detach from her. I don't want to go back into any sort of limbo-mode. I am in a pretty good place at the moment and don't want to go backwards in any way.

I'm pretty sure that if we get together again, she will notice my change of attitude and I'm not sure that will be a good thing.

Instead of thinking about her when I first wake-up and when I go to bed.....I am now thinking about dance moves, footwork, turns and spins. I think I am getting addicted to my dancing GAL.

[cotoffgard]

In the realm of DB'land, is there such a thing as detaching too much? Is that even possible? If so, is it a good thing? I'm sorta starting to feel the way you do, Clayton, but eventually I start feeling lonely and abandoned every now and again.

If you took away your salsa class, do you think you'd find "limbo-land" as disagreeable or would you find it more or less comforting? I'm starting to think that I'm putting too much reliance on one of my GAL activities and wondering if the same thought ran through your mind.

[Clayton]

Hey there Cotoffgard,

I don't know if you can detach too much or GAL too much. But I do know that I am starting to shine in my new life as a single guy again and I'm starting to enjoy it.

At this point...if I removed my Salsa GAL, I would just replace it with something else..no big deal.

The great thing about dancing is that it is very very social and I get to meet a whole lot of people and have a lot of physical contact with all of them. It is really replacing the contact I have been missing over the past few months. I'm sure that is what is driving the detachment I am currently experiencing.

What are you doing for GAL activities?

[cotoffgard]

First off, I try to exercise 5+ days of the week to chase away the loneliness and frustration gremlins. I've joined a few groups on meetup.com (young single professionals, foodies, etc.) to meet new people and just to eat, drink, and be merry in a pressure-free environment. BTW, I highly recommend that site! I'm also trying my hand at motorcycling (first safety classes this Sat. & Sun). All in all, just trying to keep busy by trying new things.

Like you, I'm starting to enjoy my "single" life again, but afraid that I might detach to the point where I don't want to save my M. The "greener grass" is oh-so-seductive...

And the attractive women here in SoCal really aren't really helping me DB effectively as they are starting to be a real distraction

[Clayton]

Hey there COG,

I think we are on the same page.
We are very lucky that we have the options we do have.
I'm just going to try to have fun again. I love my W....but if she isn't going to love me back....there are plenty of woman who will.

I'm starting to see that it is really her big loss.
Oh well.....I can't be responsible for her poor decisions.

Well....I'd better crank up that Salsa music and practice counting the beat.

[cotoffgard]

Hey there, Clayton! Just checking in to see how things are going.

[Clayton]

Hi COG,

Nothing new here.

Went out with W last Friday for dinner and drinks. i'm definetly in the friendzone here. Nothing romantic at all.

I think I will feel better if I saw her less and stepped right back out of the picture.
I'm off for a month long vacation in about 2 weeks...so that will give me a big break from the situation.

I'm pretty sure that when I come back she will want to start to talk about splitting up our finances..etc.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that this is not going to be a reconciliation as she is showing absolutely no sign of wanting to reconnect with me on an emotional level in any way.

Oh well.....I'm just trying to totally detach from her (pretty successful so far), so I won't get hurt when that conversation comes up.

I just don't understand how people don't take their marrage vows seriously. I thought when you got married, you became a family...and families dont abandon each other when times get tough.

In my case....it's definetly her loss.

[cotoffgard]

Are you at that point where you just don't want to work on reconciling or are you just frustrated that you appear to be stuck in the dreaded friendzone? If the latter, would you consider upping the ante a bit and...I dunno...be a bit more touchy-feely, flirtatious, dropping innuendos here and there? Wish I were in the same boat, but all I got are two worn out MWD books I'm reading from *rusty segue enters stage left* Have you set new goals? Experimented? Monitored results? Sorry...didn't mean to get textbook/academic on ya

[Clayton]

Are you at that point where you just don't want to work on reconciling or are you just frustrated that you appear to be stuck in the dreaded friendzone?

I'm just getting too drained from all of this. I feel much better when I don't focus anything on her and just get on with living my own life (not sure if this is detaching or moving on).

She seems perfectly content with just being friends and meeting up for chit-chat. I don't need chit-chat. I have better things to do with my time then small talk about what she's doing with her workmates.

I'm all for unconditional love of my W...but when I get more emotional connection from people I only just met...then it makes me wonder why I keep trying.