Living with disdain (OK, I avoided the word hate)

[Bworl]

Faithful, you don't get to classify me as part of ANY crowd, let alone a "move on" crowd. I post to more people than just FIB, and my advice is not predicated upon an assumption that moving on is better than working on your marriage.

That makes your presumption about MY post flawed.

Obviously I was not suggesting that FIB had NEVER done anything unforgiving or unloving towards his wife. I do not have the benefit of knowing much about their life pre-bomb.

What I know is what he has shared in the two years I've known him on this board.

I will say that, other than the fact that he is human and has sometimes expressed his frustration, I cannot recall a time that he has been unforgiving with his wife. Or unloving.

I remember a guy who extended his wife EVERY opportunity to come BACK from her dalliances with multiple other men.

I remember a guy who carried the load at home when his wife was too busy to cook, clean, or even care for their kids. I cannot recall him throwing that up in her face on those occasions. He simply did what needed to be done.

I think what you're trying to say now is that since he has made his decision to file, he no longer is open to his wife's positives. I would ask, what are they?

The fact that she asked him to go pay for the pumpkins?

The fact that she has made dinner and offered him some?

The fact that her lawyer says she doesn't want a divorce?

The fact that at some point in time SHE said she didn't want a divorce?


Are these some of the positives?

Because I will remind you of these things as well...

The pumpkin trip brought NO conversation, NO loving involvement such as holding hands, and basically NOTHING except allowing HIM to pay for the pumpkins.

The dinners that she now makes are no more impressive than the many meals that FIB prepared during her mental and emotional abandonment. It is simply something that needs to be done. None of these meals came with a loving invitation to dinner either. Keep that in mind.

Her lawyer has said she doesn't want a divorce. Then FIB goes home to the continued cold shoulder, criticisms, and hostility. Where is the consistency there that would indicate she does NOT want a divorce.


You provide good counsel Faithful. And you're a good man, I believe that completely. I do not want this misinterpreted as an attack on YOU per se. Even you have to admit that YOUR situation was NOT the same as FIB's. Your wife wanted out, but she did not repeatedly violate your marriage vows with another. She did NOT use you to cover for her with kids so that she could meet clandestinely with another man. She did NOT spew the vitriolic hatred that FIB's wife spews on him on a regular basis.


Infidelity, especially repeated infidelity, is a strong thing to swallow. Yes, some find a way to forgive and move on, somehow finding a healing place. But I submit to you that MANY, perhaps even MOST, do not. And for those that do, a STRONG statement of commitment by the offending spouse is almost always a need before the left behind spouse can be moved to trust again.


There has been nothing like that from FIB's wife. Unless of course he's left that out somewhere.


I grieve for his situation, just like you do. We see different sides of the matter, but I think we share the hope that the pain will soon come to an end, and all the family can reach a point of healing.


No, I'm not a member of the "Ya'll should just move on!" Club.

But I'm also not afraid to believe that sometimes moving on is in the best interests of those who are being continually abused by a spouses poor behavior.


Divorce is NOT a scarlet letter. And it does NOT preclude the possibility of healing and restoration in the future. If a miracle is to come, it can still come.


You know FIB well enough to know that he is a man of character, and that he is a man who has loved his wife truly and faithfully.


Blessings,

Bill

[FaithfulH]

Bworl,

Thanks for the response! As always I agree with much of what you write. Thanks for not making your response a personal attack on me....as mine was not intended that way either. I don't want to get into a point by point discussion....suffice it to say that everything I see as a positive...somebody else would see it differently. Most importantly, FIB is not seeing these things as a positive right now. My ONLY goal is to help FIB consider looking at her actions differently.

Yes, some find a way to forgive and move on, somehow finding a healing place. But I submit to you that MANY, perhaps even MOST, do not. And for those that do, a STRONG statement of commitment by the offending spouse is almost always a need before the left behind spouse can be moved to trust again.

This is probably the one part of your post that I am 180 the other direction. The idea of an "offending spouse" is foreign to me in that I believe that describes ALL of us. But if you insist on classing the WAS or MLCer as the "offending spouse", in my experience they will almost NEVER make a "STRONG statement of commmitment" early in the restoration process. If this EVER comes, it will be well down the path of restoration. And the trust thing...goes both ways. Believe it or not, the "offending spouse" often has as much mistrust of the LBS as the other way 'round. It's either a vicious spin downward...or upward if one spouse decides to stop it.

[WCW]

FIB - in the courthouse? speeding ticket? Just trying to add a little humor to your ohsoserious life/thread.

Believe it or not, the "offending spouse" often has as much mistrust of the LBS as the other way 'round. It's either a vicious spin downward...or upward if one spouse decides to stop it.

Oh yes, I agree. My H told me often in the beginning the he did not trust me. Whether he had reason or it was a his own reflection, it was his feeling that he could not trust me and I have to honor that - and, work on regaining his trust in me. Pretty ironic when he is the one.....

FIB, is your W a different person/W/mother now than she was a year ago, 2 years ago?

[faithisbelieving]

I will get to your comments.

Hurting.

The judge is portraying me as a wealthy MD hiding money. That if I don't pay the mortgage next month she will put me in jail.
They do not believe any psych issues existed with my W:
-where are the prescriptions?
-why wasn't she hospitalized during the M?
-that a one night stand is being made out to be mental breakdown
-the law guardian sees us both as fit parents
-that the LG likes my W and enjoys working with her

Today, my W's mother showed up for support

My L is now talking about me giving up the home in exchange for protection of my future income....that she hopes for joint physical without a guarantee of equal visitation......

I am sick...........

FIB

[graceallday]

fib

I dont understand, what about the fact that she committed adultrey and all the while you have been trying to reconcile....and what about the three men.....and be trnasparent with your money.....let them know you have nothing to hide.....

[smith18]

I dont understand how the judge could portray you like that. Is there not some financial papers that show what you earn and what the bills are?

I am sick too hearing about such lies and injustices done in divorce court. I am hoping to not have to go to court in the coming month because you just never know.

The days will come shortly when you see your life on the rebound.

[sofaraway]

FIB, unfortunately people have a tendancy to only look at the cover rather than reading the book. This includes Judges who tend to get so judgmental instead of factual.

Your lawyer needs to show exactly what your income is and exactly what your current financial situation is. As far as the judge making a determination about your wifes mental well being, maybe your L should ask for a psyche eval.

One of the thoughts that keeps popping into my head, and understand that I am not in your shoes and only think about how I would want to deal with it, is that I would keep fighting. I would not negotiate for future earnings I would stick to my beliefs on what is best for you and your family. Sometimes judges lash out in hopes that the party they are lashing out at will get scared and settle/compromise and then the judge has a freed up docket and can get a round of golf in or go to a titty bar.

My point is this, Judges make personal assesments of people sometimes because it is the easy thing to do rather than having to actually work at finding the truth (which is what they are paid for by the way. Then when the person they target does not back down and sticks to their guns those same judges finally do their job.

Do not be to quick to back down simply because this judge is throwing some bullshit your way.


Ian

[smith18]

Great point by Ian.

What kind of judge can put you in jail for not making a mortgage payment?

[deb13]

FIB, what can I say? I am so very sorry about all that you are going through! It is so obvious that the judge does not know you, the man you are, as we do. I do not understand how she can accuse you of hiding money!

So, is your lawyer proposing that you let your wife have the house? If so, who pays the mortgage then?

I agree w/ what Ian wrote.

I wouldn't settle for anything you don't have to! While there is a certain amount of compromising in a divorce...some things are worth fighting for more than others!

Please, as always, know that you are in my prayers! Things will not be this way forever! God always sees us through the storms!

deb

[SirPrizeMe]

FIB, sorry it's so tough.
I had a judge with an attitude too. Too bad these people get personally involved.

Weighing in on the "move on or don't move on" discussion, of course it is FIB's call. But I too have read the stories and thought "this is salvageable."

FIB goes home to the continued cold shoulder, criticisms, and hostility. Where is the consistency there that would indicate she does NOT want a divorce.

Sorry, Bworl, I don't see how "cold shoulder" implies "must divorce now." I get that it has been a long time.

I'm not saying it's a black-and-white call.

But when I read the stories from FIB, in between the lines I read hurt and pain, and that, I feel, is where the urge to divorce is coming from. It's a power struggle at this point.

I don't judge anyone though. We have all been through too much - no one can judge another here.